You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


31.12.08

a new chapter of new horizons


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BUGGED BY AN URGE TO THINK but ended up not thinking at all? that happens to me a lot. the desire to think is there but the thoughts just either decided not to come or they conspired to enter your mind all at the same time. there’s no point in thinking if there’s nothing to ponder about or there’s too much to think about that your brain couldn’t process them all. well, that’s not unusual for someone like me; someone with a disorganized mind. but since my mind seems to find itself a clearing in my fangorn forest of a brain at this moment, i guess i’ll just take advantage of it.

as the new year begins i figured it’s the perfect time to reflect on what last year was all about. don’t worry it’s not a year-end report (i don’t watch much of local tv), just the highlights and the implications of last year to me. i am just glad it’s all over.

last year was the toughest year of my life in this planet inhabited by earthlings and aliens alike. i should know because that was the year when i realized that my tear ducts could hold a chronic and continuous torrent of tears (not to mention those that flow through my nose). my heart got broken for the first time. i thought i was going nuts picking up the pieces. i felt like no one could understand the painful ordeal that even i couldn’t fully understand. i was socially dormant. i was afraid to embrace the pain. that, i think, was the main reason why depression was able to swallow me whole. long-term therapy was required but along the way i became so vulnerable and eventually got lost. i had nothing to lead me back to a solid ground. i was just there, floating, dead in the sea.

it didn’t take long before i fell in love with a rebound; or rather my head told me i was in love to spare me from the crushing pain my heart was causing me. i became so emotionally unstable, ready to self-destruct at any time like a time bomb. i couldn’t understand my emotions anymore. whenever i get romantically involved with someone, i go back to the conclusion that i might be in love. i guess when there’s a void in your heart that needs to be filled, the void usually becomes a black hole, sucking misery, and loneliness, and imitations of love. they enter your heart, corrupt your mind, and torture your spirit. there came to a point when i thought i was becoming an evil person; a monster. i remembered the argument whether man is innately evil or good. but i guess this is not the question that matters. a man is not purely bad or good. it is our choices that define us as persons. it is the side that we choose to nurture that becomes our identity.

it’s a good feeling to realize all these things after what had happened. indeed, when you grew empty of the ugly emotions, moved on, and drew the line of your sanctuary from hate and bitterness, you became much aware of what you were and are feeling. you learn and you grow. answers are just lurking underneath the broken pieces. we’re just preoccupied of averting our eyes to the ugly reality in front of us.

as the new year begins, new year’s resolutions becomes pretty popular. why not? a new year is usually co-notated to a new start. a lot of people wanted to change and have a clean slate but some are just faint-hearted to want change. i don’t believe in such resolutions but i do believe in the will of the heart, the power of the mind, and the strength of the spirit. with all these, coveted change is almost incontrovertible.

life is full of suffering; however, we still live in a ‘half-half’ world, according to my friend and a philosophy professor back in college. there were tears but there were still smiles and laughs. last year was the end of my academic life but the start of another course of intensive learning. we learn to live but more importantly we live to learn. i graduated from college with flying colors and passed the licensure examinations and became a registered nurse. then just recently i became a certified iv therapist, a trained basic life support practitioner, and a member of the philippine national red cross. five months ago i became a citizen of this blogging world which i love so much because i was able to connect and learn with people even those to the other side of the globe. so much had happened and yet there’s so much to come and to do. this is just a grain of sand of the mountain i want to climb. there’s so much to learn and loads to write about.

life goes on and i’ll continue to live and deconstruct life and love and anything between them. i am so psyched what the new horizon i am looking at has for me…

29.12.08

there and back again

MY FEET ONCE AGAIN STAND on this patch of reality called blogging. i have been hibernating for awhile now and loads had happened over the four weeks of my temporary blog leave. it was such an adventure and it kills me that i was not able to write all of my memoirs for every experience that had transpired. time really flies when you’re busy and as much as i have wanted to update my blog, i just couldn’t squeeze the time to write and find the energy to read blogs i use to visit. but as i have anticipated, i am thrilled to be back.

perhaps many of you were wondering why i have decided to leave so suddenly. i really enjoyed blogging probably far more than you could expect. aside from gaining friends and being able to tap on my passion for writing, i was able to express my thoughts and my deepest emotions the way i wanted them to be expressed. i was raving about it. talking about my friends of the things i have learned from you and sharing them your stories. it was such a thrill and in someway, very addictive. but like all drugs, i never expected blogging could also have some side effects.

when i grew intimate with blogging, i was in a sort of social dormancy. i was cut off from the real world and decided to linger in this virtual sphere. my friends were getting furious because i wasn’t returning any of their calls nor replied to their text messages (most of the time placing the blame on my cheap cellphone and my room’s poor network service reception). my mentality was that technology could no longer bridge distances between people even to those close to your heart. one primary reason why i ‘hid’ myself from them was that people were always asking the same questions and i was always giving the same answers in return. my life was becoming a loophole of boredom and monotony and i took refuge to this virtual reality that i couldn’t seem to leave.

an acquaintance here once called me a psychoblogger— in his definition, as someone who has a compulsion to write. he was a bitter person that had just suffered a traumatic experience in a chatroom (which i never dared to enter). my first reaction was to wince because i found it very offensive. but thinking about it now, i think it hurts because what he said was true. i was a compulsive writer and blogging pulled me back from where i should be. it became a distraction. i remembered divulging this realization to my bestfriend and implied that i should’ve realized this ages ago. i have realized that i am not good in balancing things in my life (i have a poor sense of balance. no wonder i never learned how to ride a bicycle).

that is when i decided to step back, took time to clear my head, regain the bonds of friendship, set my priorities and grow. one month could be a short span of time to measure one’s growth and to make you a mature person but in a way it has given me a new perspective of how my life should be going. but now i decided to come back, with a clearer head (i hope) but still with a twisted mind. my fingertips missed playing with the keyboard i can tell.

i wish everyone a happy new year. let’s brace ourselves to a new start of our lives.