You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


28.1.09

rootless tree


WORDS SLIT THROATS, invisible blades,

Painting wounds and scars when sunlight fades,

On this skin made of sand and stone,

On this heart once touched and now alone.

Tears burning my eyes, flooding my palms;

Salty rivers singing lamenting psalms.

Lost voices amplified in whispers;

Pained lips talk under frozen fingers.

Hurts grow in stealth like cracks on walls;

Walls of my heart as loneliness falls.

Trees go rootless, hearts undiscovered;

Rabid dogs waiting to be murdered.

Every breath taken is hope poisoned,

Withering blue roses I once owned.

First seeds of grief grow into sharp weeds,

That smothers the sun my soul needs.

I needed time but time cannot wait;

Stitching hurts and saving faith,

As white as bone, as free as ashes;

Dancing in the winds filled with wishes.

Words lurk in the dark unnoticed,

Heard only by hearts pain had kissed.

Love is a ghost most beautiful,

Haunting this heart forever hopeful.

My feet walk on rusted knives searching;

Lost in worlds swarming with hearts screaming,

Silenced solely by pure love or death,

Killed by lies underneath your breath.





22.1.09

on the coffin rock


SHE AND I SAT ON LARGE ROCK that sat by a shallow river, listening to the music of its cascading waters and of the birds singing by the tall trees in the forest that surrounded us. The panorama was a green-hued illusion, forged by the sunlight that penetrated the green blades of leaves above and bouncing off of the crystal clear waters of the river below. The cool air hugged us as she leaned on my chest with her back on me, warming my body and uplifting my spirit to a heightened sense of elation. The peace and the silence seemed to slow our heartbeats and muted breathing down. There was no place I would rather be.

She looked up to me with her big brown eyes. I couldn’t help but smile behind the book I was pretending to read.

“Tell me something.” She said with a smile on the corners of her lips.

“Tell you what?” I replied as I closed I Sat By The River Piedra and Wept, and looked back.

“Anything
.” She was teasing me, I decided.

“I love you.” I said and planted a careful kiss on her cheek. My reply sounded like a question than an answer.

“I know that already.” She said looking at the blue heavens.

“And how do you know?” I teased back. The smell of her hair that lingered on my nostrils was like an anxiolytic drug.

“I just do.” She answered. Even though I couldn’t see her face, I somehow knew that she was smiling.

“Do you love me?” I asked. I knew the answer of course. I just wanted to hear it again. Even the excitement of hearing the words from her lips made it sound like a chuckle.

“I do, I think.” she said.

“You think?!”
I retorted. And she laughed. It was contagious. I started laughing too.

And then there was silence, absolute that I could hear my self breathe. I could feel her slow breathing on my chest. The place overwhelmed us again, consumed by the majesty of the moment that seemed to hover.

“Of course I do. I don’t seem to care about my thoughts anymore.” She suddenly said, so softly that it was more like a whisper. I found myself standing on the moon. I wrapped my arms around her, my hands on hers, locking her in an embrace that says that I wouldn’t let go. We we’re so close and yet I was missing her so much. But standing on the verge of something I couldn’t stop was a worse torment.

“I know.” I whispered back fighting the urge to turn her head and kiss her.

How do you know?” She asked, our fingers intertwined, playing with each other mimicking our united souls. “That I love you?

“I just do.” We both heaved our deepest breath and sighed. “I never think. Not anymore.” She just replied with a careful smile and a look obviously screaming ‘I told you so.’

We both fell silent again. She took a piece of yellow paper from her pocket. After a few moments, she stood up, offered me her hand, and gave me a smile that rivaled the beauty of the sun that shone that day. I gave my hand willingly, just the way I was surrendering my heart.

We suddenly found ourselves standing by the river adorned by smooth rocks and pebbles, our faces reflected on the current’s steady stream. Her right hand was holding mine, and on the other was the yellow paper she creatively folded into a swan. It was art that crossed our paths and it was also art that witnessed the end.

“Have faith in your heart, Ron, for I trust in it.” She said with eyes filled with longing and sadness and hope and tears.

“I will. I will miss you.”
I said with a broken voice and a broken heart. I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I pulled her towards me and kissed her like I have never kissed before. I should, for I never loved this way; not this much.

Then, she carefully placed the paper swan on the cascading water. With hands holding each other, we watched as it went, freely surrendering itself to the currents that would carry it to the sea, with it, our hopes, and dreams, and prayers, and love that would someday pave the path to the endless road we’re on…







20.1.09

'idol' comes back

THE LONG WAIT IS FINALLY OVER. the new season of american idol premiered last week and i was so excited and devastated at the same time. we have no cable tv! but good thing my brother saved me from the frustration of missing it by downloading the episodes on his hard drive. whew.

there’s a new judge added to the threesome of paula, randy, and simon—kara dioguardi. it’s a cool twist. let’s see how she will cope up with the show’s craziness. hehe! i think the producers decided to add another female judge to compensate for paula’s looping comments. hehe!

i have a feeling this season will be an interesting one. only two cities down and yet there’s a lot of promising talents already. these are some of my favorites from last week’s auditions:

PHOENIX
, ARIZONA
AUDITIONS:

EMILY WYNNE-HUGHES. beautiful girls who kick-ass with their voice are really appealing. she somehow resembled keira knightly (with pink hair) at some angles. it requires a really good instrument to sing ‘barracuda’ and she sang it really good. i have my eyes on this one.

JB AHFUA.
he looked like a filipino at first glance. i hope he is. i love how he sang “flying without wings”. very soulful.




ARIANA AFSAR. I just love her sweet voice. She seems very simple and very down-to-earth. I hope she makes it.





MICHAEL SARVER. the oil-rig guy. he sings really well. it’s really rare to see buffed men to sing like he did.

CODY SHELDON. he reminds me of the noriega guy from the previous season. however, i am more curious of his fondness for making horror movies than his voice. haha! he looks like michelle branch (emo version).




ALEX WAGNER-TRUGMAN. i am rooting for the geek! woohoo!

SCOTT MACINTYRE. i love his story as much as i love his voice. he’s the first ‘blind’ aspirant to win a ticket to hollywood. i really hope he makes it. i can’t wait to see him perform with a piano and win people’s hearts.




KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI AUDITIONS:

ASHLEY ANDERSON. she’s really cool and beautiful. make her sing and you’ll fall in love. i almost did. hehe!

CASEY CARLSON. i love her sweet voice. i am more drawn to her looks though. she's a bikini model by the way. hehe! she reminds me of summer from ‘the oc’.




MICHAEL CASTRO. he’s way cooler and sounds better than his brother jason from the previous season. i love how he made justice to the song “i’m in love with a girl” by gavin degraw, who happens to be one of my favorite recording artists.



DANNY GOKEY. great vocals and full of soul. he’s one of the front-runners so far in my opinion.




LIL ROUNDS. really cool name eh? but wait till she open her mouth to sing. she sounds like beyonce but as she was singing, melinda dolittle popped in my head.




that’s all for now. i can’t wait for this weeks auditions! woohooo!

16.1.09

cinephile


AT THE MOMENT, our television has no cable connection because we were being delinquent in paying the bills. we have no decent internet connection either. we could have actually, if you consider smartbro a smart way to have one. and to save myself from dying due to chronic boredom, i’d do dvd marathon or if i’m a little desperate, i’d read the whole twilight saga on my computer. so, imagine my delight when i finally got my new video city card!

i consider myself a cinephile. i may not have watched a lot of movies compared to other people but i love watching movies, but not to the level of being a movie geek. i am a little choosy of the movies i want to see but i am easy to please. just don’t give me those that involve flying saucers and green-skinned monsters from other planets.

i usually rent the movies i watch because i want them to be as clear as possible on when i watch them on television. i don’t buy pirated movies either, unless they’re clear dvd copies. haha! harry potter movies are exempted. i’d buy them original or not. i remember leaving the movie house after watching harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban and grabbed the first pirated copy i laid my eyes on and watched it again in the cinemas the next day. haha!

i'm done with this following batch. can't wait to rent more! hehe!

SASSY GIRL (ENGLISH VERSION).
len-len lent me a copy of the korean version three years ago. being made to remember this romantic story makes it a nostalgic entertainment. you may think i am naïve (i think i am) but it gets me every time i watch it.

WANTED. this is the best action movie since the italian job. i love the car chase with the viper. bloody cool! and how about angelina jolie? is she hot or what? i just love her. i loved the concept of the weavers and the “loom of fate”.

DARK KNIGHT. for the first time, i found myself rooting for the villain. heath (bless his soul) gave justice to joker’s role. i am not a fan of batman but i’ll stick to him with this one compared to that guy who got bitten by a radioactive spider and the red-caped hero.

KUNG-FU PANDA. this is one of the funniest animated movies ever! i love pandas and po is so cute. the fight scenes were so awesome. i almost got blind because of pure awesomeness! haha!

IMAGINE ME AND YOU.
it’s about a woman who got married but eventually fell in love with another woman. so i guess it’s safe to assume they’re lesbians, right? it stars the girl from cayote ugly. i was a little uncomfortable watching her kissing that woman from 300.

THE INVISIBLE. very predictable plot but i got intrigued because of the concept of being invisible. i sometimes wish i could be, at my own will though; not to die and be an invisible ghost in limbo. i love the guy’s character and his poetry. the ending was crappy though.

CLOVERFIELD. i knew it. aliens. hays. one word for this one—headache.

SWEENEY TODD. Very artistically done! I applaud the art direction. However, it was a little disturbing. How's dead people for meat pies? Yummy! Ingeniously twisted eh? I guess it’s how Tim Burton wanted it to be.

i love watching movies at home especially with a cold weather like this; with a mug of coffee and high-carb food i could munch—just perfect. ;)



12.1.09

the bridge


I WATCHED IT AGAIN, this time the version i have not yet seen until tonight. but every time i dwell on every scene and every word spoken, the emotion after seeing it never left me. my heart wonders what makes it feel this way: is it the story or the person who shared the story with me? but for someone who had crossed the line between a romantic fantasy and delusion, i somehow wish our story would end like theirs.

i remembered when she shared me this story about love letters buried under a tree to which dreams were made, about how love unites two different souls, and how we could mold destiny to seek the love of our lives. it was three years ago and i could still remember the way she smiled-one of the most beautiful things i had ever witnessed in this lifetime.

there was this guy carrying a single red rose, slowly going down the stairs. eyes were upon him and yet he didn’t care. everything was a blur except for the face of the girl sitting by the piano, playing pachelbel. it is true that a girl is most beautiful when she plays with the keys of the piano. i would sometimes imagine being that guy, carrying a pink rose instead of red. i would give it to her after striking the last note of her piece. and then i would imagine her smile, and freeze the frame in my head; the same smile she wore the day she shared me this love story.

i miss writing love letters. i miss writing corny poems. i miss painting. i miss being with someone and yet feel completely free; free to love and express love the way i know how and in the way wanted it to be expressed. i am missing a lot of things when i am brought to the emotion of being in-love when i can’t be in-love. i am not sure how my heart reasons out, but before i finally give that rose to someone, i’d want to make sure i have already cut away its thorns… write a love story, live in it, hopefully with a beautiful end i would wish to see…




. . .

"Destiny is making a bridge of chance for your love..."

7.1.09

greatest story never told: the epilogue


I SAW HER FACE and suddenly my heart was home again. it was a conflicted feeling. i am not even sure what it means exactly. her memory once again knocked on my door and i welcomed it in like an old friend. i felt the familiar warmth, protecting me from this cold and windy night.

there are just too many memories that wrote my past, but hers is the one that i never tried to cast away. have you ever been to a point in your life when you thought you could never fit in this world? the very same place that dictates what things we should wear or what we should be afraid of or who we should love? well, she saved me from that ugly place and whenever i dwell on her presence or on her memories, i feel different…and yet feel so normal.

there were still nights when i would look up to the heavens and deconstruct this complicated emotion. sometimes it is love but most of the time it is more like an illusion. questions hang over me but they are no strangers to me anymore. sometimes, i would look back and wonder what if i took that path where she and i could be together. i have been trying to imagine what my life could’ve been if i walked along that broken road set before me. but the more i linger on these thoughts; the idea of the possibility that she still owns that sanctuary in me becomes more absurd.

sometimes i would convince myself that i just love the idea of her. for some reason she has become an epitome of the person that i could share a piece of my heart with. i am terrified that i might not be able to move on from her ghost; the most beautiful i had ever seen. i have learned that in someway, it’s harder to detach oneself from a fantasy than to accept an inconvenient reality.

a line was drawn when i walked away. another was drawn when i broke her heart. and beyond those lines was a wall. i was the one who drew the lines and built the wall. i should be burned at a stake for inflicting her pain she didn’t deserve, and yet there she was, silently knocking…

it was christmas eve…

len-len: ron… do you think we could still be friends? i mean real friends?

lucas: of course. why not? i was your friend before. i would like to think that i could still be despite of what happened between us. is everything okay?

len-len: no. nothing. i guess, i just miss you.

lucas: i miss you too. it might be too much to ask because of what happened between us but if you’ll ever need anything or you need someone to talk to…i’m just around, alright?

len-len: you still haven’t changed nor dropped that superman act of yours. i am fine. thank you…

if the heart could be measured i am not sure what part of it still beats for her. or what measure of time is needed to make this stop. with a heart, broken or not, it’s still in her memory that i run home to. a person could have multiple soul mates in one lifetime and i had found one. it was her. my comet, my lighthouse, the breadcrumbs that used to lead me back home. and as much as i wanted to write a never-ending story of our love, it is time to close the book we once tried to write. we were stranded on a crossroads before. but now, it is up to the bridge of chance of destiny to realign the stars that once lighted our paths…



4.1.09

on your doorstep


I SAT ON THE DOORSTEP, arms wrapped on my knees, and waiting. the cold night air caressing my skin was like an intimate lover as the darkness of hopelessness taunts me like a foe. but i still chose to sit on this patch of concrete where your feet used to linger, to leave some white roses and a love letter sealed by nothing but love and longing. every passing moment was a heartbeat and every exhaled breath was a thought for you as faith turns every moving shadow as your own. i chose to sit there because i know you’d come back home. i know you will.

last night was the perfect night for you to come home. a guitar was playing from a distance slightly obliterated by the noise made by speeding vehicles from far away. the golden glow of the lampposts cast long shadows of trees on the empty street, dark and bold against the water-washed pavement. the moon and clouds had conspired and the stars that hovered above me still spelled your name, aligning and screaming to the whole universe that our worlds will always be intertwined. if you only came back last night, it would’ve been the most romantic moment this lifetime could ever witness. i could imagine you wrapped in my arms, slowly dancing underneath the starry skies, bathed in both darkness and in light, celebrating the reunited paths of our lives and of our love. but you didn’t come home last night. perhaps you’ll come home tonight.

i am here again on your doorstep, this time leaning against your blood-red door as i watch a wisp of cloud travel the night sky and cover the faint crescent of the new moon. i am wondering if it’s what’s happening with my heart right now. but i can’t entertain such doubts, and despair, and hopelessness. i will not go weary for every night i sat on this familiar spot, littered with withered roses and unopened letters, hope nurtures my spirit. hope is what gives me happiness. if we begin to seek and wait for love, love begins to seek us. and to save us.

it’s almost midnight. a night and day is almost over and a new one is about to start. you didn’t come home yet again. perhaps you’ll come back tomorrow, and when you do, i’ll be here, waiting; holding fresh white roses on my right hand and a love letter on my left. just follow the trail of chance i have made and there’s no way for you to get lost. it is when you stop trying to seek love and to hope that you’d lost your way home and back to the arms you belong. if waiting could mean waiting for stars to fall, then, i’ll keep waiting. the earth shook when your eyes met mine. years ago, love is an impossibility. but now i have learned that everything is possible; like miracles, destiny, and stars falling from the sky. i chose to be here so that when they started to fall, i’ll be the first to catch one and then, you’d come back and my wish would finally come true.