You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


25.6.09

in dark and in light


WOULD A LOVE SURVIVE IN HIDING? Like everything else that has life and that breathes, will it suffocate in the torment of rules and ill fate?

They say love can see in the dark, but for how long? Our feet stand in the same ominous place now and I am grieving. For when love has finally found us, it is when we decided to take flight, away from the eyes of those who would take you away for me.

And for this I have to stay away. And you can’t be too close. And it pains me. Even God knows how I crave for your presence—so intoxicating to my soul that I would lock you in an embrace and not let go, if I could. I’d rather chew on these fleeting moments rather than walk alone in this dark path. My love is strong, but I am afraid my heart would crumble to pieces on the ground without knowing that you’ll be with me till the end.

The day dissolves into night, so fast that frustration is eating me up from inside because I am once again reminded of how powerless we are against the arms of time that strangles us. When this stolen moment ends and when we finally walk away from the shelter of our sanctuary built in stealth and endless longing, I will once again miss you, from the moment I turn my back till I take the last step to see you again. It’s strange because even at this moment with your back against me, my arms around you and my hands intertwined with yours, I still miss you terribly. I believe that the only times I forget to miss you is when I’m sporadically thrown into a stupor where my daydreams plunge me to a place where you do not exist, leaving me standing alone before a dead end. My nightmares are the only entities that kept you away from me, but they are still unable to purge you from my thoughts. You are everywhere, even in dreams.

When you love in the dark, nothing will seem to be enough. You can’t kiss enough. You can’t hug enough. You can’t love enough. You can’t be happy enough. Everything seems to lack because in the back of your mind, something is screaming that loving is an act that you should be proud of, and to show the world how blessed you are for being a keeper of the heart of the most amazing person; the one soul out of the billion that beats in time with yours. You shouldn’t need to steal a glimpse behind your back before you kiss or hold someone’s hand. One should love freely like breathing air in and out of your lungs, without consent, without restrictions—free. But this world will always choose to tell us who to love and what things we should be afraid of. And for this, I am sad. I have yet to love freely and fearlessly.

I am scared and torn, thinking the darkness might find away to finally eat our hearts and that I might lose you if we step out into the light. For now, we had to be this way, keeping the distance, chasing time, and struggling to force our hearts closer to bridge the distance. I’m all wrong for you and I know it but I have fallen in love without taking a step. I have to stay away but I do not have that kind of heart that could bear that thought anymore. All I want is to be here with you, and to love you, one way or another, both in darkness and in light.







11.6.09

the fallen star


WHEN MY EYES OPENED, I couldn’t see anything but stars—jewels craftily scattered on the dark canvas of the evening sky. To the common eye, they would appear to have arranged themselves in random, but to the faithful it is the ultimate form of artistry—perfect and divine. The more I gazed upon them, hanging on that black ceiling above me, the more it became hard to fathom the fact that they are actually lifetimes away, barely sitting at the edge of the universe. When I was a kid, I actually thought I could reach them by hand—a belief that was almost taken away from me by time. God had indeed stretched out the heavens.

For a moment, I forgot where I was. I could hear myself silently breathing the cool air that teased the locks of my hair. Every blade of grass underneath me sent tickles of sensation on my skin. Lying on that open field made me wonder how I must have looked like from above. I felt insignificant compared to the beauty that surrounded me. I felt so small. But everything was designed flawlessly. I have a theory that God made us small for us to appreciate and acknowledge the things bigger ourselves especially those beyond our fallible minds alone could never understand.

I then heard the crisp sound of breaking grass beside me. I suddenly remembered that I was not alone. We lazed under the majesty of the night dissimilated against the green grass and shadows of trees.

“You fell asleep.” She teased.

“Did I?” I said trying to sound ignorant.

“Yes, you did. Actually I was torn between laughing and waking you up when the snoring began.” She laughed.

“I don’t snore!” And I reached out to ruffle her hair. It is one those rare moments when happiness overflows that you just have to laugh it out.

A sporadic silence rang out, and we sighed at the same time, chuckled, sighed again, and then silence once more. The next moment settled and then lingered for more than a moment.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”
She said. There was always something in her voice that was just anesthetizing to the soul. I always felt like I had to stay close or else I would forget how to breathe.

“I snore. Oh wait. You already know that.” I teased back.

“I’m trying to be serious.” And I could tell she was by the way her eyes rolled on their sockets and the crinkle on her nose.

I sat up and wore my shoes off. The grass felt good against the soles of my tired feet. I surprised myself when I inched closer and lied down beside her. I took her hand in mine. And with heads conjoined, we pointed to the spectacle above us.

“That star, the blue one—that’s Rigel. That’s one of the youngest stars. And that one diagonally opposite it, the red one—it’s Betelgeuse, and unlike Rigel, it’s dying. These three stars, here, that’s the three kings. And if you connect them to this, this, and this, it will form the Hunter constellation, most commonly known as Orion.” I explained, my hand slightly trembling on hers. We were so close that my heart soared and pounded against my chest. But I knew I had to inch away and let go of her hand. And I did. I can point to a billion stars forever with her, I thought.

“Woah. You really paid attention to your Astronomy class, didn’t you? Impressive.” She mused, a shy smile etched on her ever beautiful face.

“When I was kid I used to lie on our rooftop at night and find stars and constellations I’ve read from books. Geeky perhaps, but yes. I wanted to be an astronomer. Back then I actually thought stars were within my reach.”
My eyes once again grazed the heavens. “But time changes things, including dreams. And because in truth, we change too.”

“So what have become of that dream?” She asked, her eyes squinting towards the skies, as if reading illegible letters she alone could see.

“Do you believe in fate? I have so many dreams. And I have come to understand that I can’t fulfill them all. But sometimes, destiny would just knock on your door and give you a gift; the one you once dreamed of having and you thought was lost forever.” I looked in her eyes ever wanting to get lost in the heaven behind them.

“Yes. I think I do.” She raised her hand, moving a finger in the air as if writing a name. “Life is a big box of surprises.”

Quiescence crawled away with time, and clouds eventually covered the twinkling celestial bodies that adorned the black sky. Thunder and lightning flaunted their power against the thick downpour of rain. Strangely, we still chose stay there, as the earth beneath the bed of grass where we laid turned into mud, silently enjoying the rain on our faces and basking in the moment like little rascals. She suddenly stood up, her eyes flinching to the water spattering on her face.

“Let’s dance.” She bellowed against the noise, beaming.

I stood up facing her, bowed in courtesy and offered a hand, never looking away from her gaze. And the moment her hand landed on mine, we began waltzing under the rain, endlessly laughing at our own folly. We knew it didn’t make sense, but we didn’t care. We twisted and turned, disturbing the puddles of mud that stained our feet and clothes. It was the first time in ages that I enjoyed the rain. I felt like I had gone back in time to the young days when I used to live a carefree-life. I was a kid once more and old dreams just came flooding back.

I once dreamed of reaching for the stars. But the innocence of my youth failed me to understand that you should not reach for them, not that it’s impossible, but because sometimes, when destiny calls, one of those billion stars will just fall from the heavens and land straight to your hand.






4.6.09

pillow talks








Fake a smile

Swallow the moans

Seal your mouth with memories

And shared vows known.

Dance if you can

But dry first the floor

Slippery with tears—

Knocks of goodbye on your door.

Change the sheets

Wash away my smell

But keep me as your pillow

Where your head goes I will follow.

Turn your gaze up

And catch a falling star

Close the hand, open the heart

Wish for it to never smart.

Whisper my name

Wish for time’s demise

In its ashes I’ll come back

To you where bliss does not lack.

Catch your breath

And bury deep your roots

Stand firm on the ground

Yet as free as the wind—

A speeding sound.

Drink down a purple pill

To stay asleep if you must

Through a song take flight

Towards me and away from the night.

Let me dwell in your dreams

Soft and sweet—a happy taste

Candy clouds on sticks we’ll chew

Then I will be just a breath away

Far but closer to you.