a bed-time story

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN HE LIES ON HIS BED at night and something happens. he doesn’t know exactly how to describe it but they are experiences that make him somehow escape. it is when he just stays there in the cramped space of his room; eyes open, watching as time walk pass him. he lets the darkness lick his skin as the cold evening air seizes his soul. he stands on the edge of reality; living between a dream and the world that corrupts his spirit. living in the middle is a relief. he can’t live in a dream and he’s terrified to live his life in this sick world. middle is a place better than anywhere else.

he was there again; on his back, ignoring the dust that littered his bed. thoughts flooded him like a gargantuan cascading river. powerful, petrifying, but nonetheless, beautiful. he embraced each thought as his eyes remained open; looking straight to the ceiling he could not see. as each thought touched his mind, he wanted to get lost in it hoping that he would find meaning. an absolution.

the mind is powerful. he knows this, because everytime he finds himself in the world his mind creates; he can make every thought real. he can even make feelings tangible and dreams turn into cotton candies he can eat. he was hurting and he tried to lie to himself by holding back the tears that burned his eyes. the pain and agony was so real that he was able to hold it in his hand; dark. hard. cold against his palm. he wanted to crush it with his fingers but he knew that what he held in his hands were his dreams too. pulverizing the pain meant breaking his heart. his name was synonymous with confusion and loneliness.

time kept crawling as his thoughts walked on icy water. suddenly, he was on the middle of a frozen lake. there was nothing before him but a vast expanse of endless white and snow. he could hear the swishing sounds of pine trees somewhere, the cold wind whispering. he felt cold but the feeling was welcoming somehow. he then sensed something building up from within him. sounds. music. a song. he closed his eyes and listened. it was a happy song. and then, the song became words. he saw them coming from his mouth. and then the words became him. he danced. he moved his body as graceful as van gogh’s strokes were on a canvas. smooth and flawless. he danced as free as the air and the dust and snow that came along with it. every step he took was a color and every movement of his limbs was a brush stroke; his feet pounding on the delicate ice beneath him. he danced with eyes closed and painted the white world around him into masterpiece with blinding colors. for a moment, he was an art and around him was the world he wanted to live in.

the colors dissolved. he was back there again, in the cold darkness of his room. the sounds were gone. the colorful world was now replaced by pitch blackness intimately kissing his entire body. the only light he could see was from the moon that barely broke the clouds. the sight gave him hope though. with a smile, he closed his eyes, emptied his mind and fell into a deep slumber. the pain no longer in his hands but the dreams still remained, blanketing him with warmth as words trickled down from his eyes that spelled a name he doesn’t know anymore...

measuring love

I WONDER IF THERE’S A WAY TO MEASURE LOVE. there has to be right? a love scale of some sort. of all human emotions love is the most celebrated one or otherwise. and to be able to measure such amazing and abstract entity would be truly ground-breaking. if love could be measured it would make neil armstrong’s stroll on the moon look like discovering how stupid it is to pick your nose and eat anything that sticks to your finger.

is love really measurable? i wonder if it could be measured by the width of one’s smile. perhaps by the number of love letters one could receive in a week? the number of grand gestures one makes? by the number of roses in a bouquet or by the size of chocolates? the number of times one thinks of someone in a day? could it be measured by the number of kisses or hugs or love makings? could it be measured by the length of time butterflies could keep fluttering in one’s stomach? is it by counting the total number of i love you’s said or sweet nothings sent via sms? could love be measured by measuring happiness? how i wish there’s a way to measure happiness too.

however, love is not all about sunshine and butterflies, is it? i wonder if love could be measured by the number of glasses one could fill with tears in a day. could it be measured by how loud a person cries or by how ugly a grimace looks on one’s face? is it by the number of tissue papers stained with rhinorrhea or number of tear marks on a pillow? could it be measured by the number of diversional activities or failed attempts to smile? could love be really be measured by measuring sadness, and pain, and suffering or by the length of time one succumbs himself to darkness due to a broken heart? i have learned that love is the most difficult thing to measure because it doesn’t exist in itself. it encompasses almost everything.

a friend once pondered about the duality of pain and pleasure; that there’s a possibility that one could not exist with its opposite, just like one of newton’s law of motion says. i am not even sure that pain and pleasure are opposites. however, i wish the law could be applied to complex human emotions too such as love, happiness, and sadness. but the law is found proven and applicable only when dealing with physical entities: to concrete and tangible things that occupy space and have mass--matter. but emotions like love aren’t. love is an abstract in its purest form. there’s no way newton could’ve measured it, but if he did, i’ll bet my harry potter books that he was the happiest person in the world in his time. i wish he knew how and made a law about it instead. who would have thought that a mathematical equation could shed some light to one of the famous questions generated by the human mind?

somehow, love is equated to happiness and pleasure. but some equates love in terms of sadness and pain. following the basic laws of algebra, could love be equated with both happiness and sadness at the same time? but the more curious question is could happiness and sadness exist together? could it be possible to be completely happy and completely sad at the same time? i guess not. like a friend had said, it’s a cycle. love is neither in black nor white and anyone who sees the world in this perspective has intelligence comparable to that of a dog.

is love really measurable? many people ask this question. these are those who frequently ask their partners the question, “how much do you love me?” people like to ask questions starting with ‘how much’ especially when dealing with the concept of love and yet they forget to ask the more basic yet the most significant question their lips can utter. love is not a question of how much but a question of how true. i am not sure if love could be measured by asking how much, but i am sure that if a love is true, there’s definitely no means to measure its immensity. people who try to measure the immensity of true love fail to have the answer but those who deny that such magnitude exists and are scared of it, are the ones who usually play around, no idea that they’re already lost...

. . .

i am no love expert. just a hopeless romantic single. crap.

metamorphosis

I WOKE UP ONE MORNING, the idea fixed in my head. i just knew i had to do it or else nothing would make the anxiety i was feeling to dissipate. i remembered opening eyes, walked like a zombie, taught our baby parrot how to caw, and consulted andrew and jing about it for the last time. as expected, i got the answer i was dreading for more than a week. but i didn’t care anymore. i knew i had to make a choice. and i did.

i walked outside, bathed in the morning sunlight as question marks and doubts sang together with the birds in my head. after walking five blocks, i went inside a barbershop, mouth dry. i consulted the barber first and heard the most beautiful words. after heaving my deepest morning breath, it soon started. it only took 30 minutes. with sweating hands and my pumping hard on my throat and the lulling sounds of a hair razor on my ear, i finally solved one of my life’s greatest dilemmas.

i was transformed from this…

...to this.

barely a month ago, my friends advised me to do something about my ‘wolverine hair’. my hair was a disaster. my hairlines were receding and thinning. i admit i used to apply a lot of hair gels on my hair when i was still at school and i like wearing caps. eventually, it had turned into a very serious problem. i can’t leave the house without wearing a cap because hair became virtually impossible to maintain. it looked dead and wiry. it made me looked very old too. haley (the mastermind), anna, and tracey managed to convince me to buzz cut my hair (semikal) in the hopes that i would look sexy (?!).

after meeting with hales and company, i went home and consulted my parents and brothers about my plan. surprisingly, they were so against it that i soon regret the idea divulging it to them. i told my plan to some friends and their reactions were all the same! marvie even texted me one night: ron, ano namang pinaggagawa mo sa sarili mo? may problema ka ba? they were just so used to my ‘genius-good-boy-look-sort-of-look’, i guess. but their arguments made sense. the haircut could make or break me. if it didn’t work out for me cutting my head off would be the best alternative.

if your problem is your hair, get rid of it. i feel great about it now. i am not sure if it looked good on me due to mix reactions (some say it does look good on me but others say it made me look like a con man), but it was way better than having my hair before. my head feels lighter, i can think clearer (?), and the best part is i have no hair to bother me anymore. no hair to maintain. and i feel more confident in a way. haha!

i was invited to attend a halloween party at anna’s place. it was the first halloween party i’ve ever attended. i wasn’t able to come up with a costume so just i insisted and tried to convince the party that i was supposed to be wentworth miller of prison break! haha! before the night ended, people were calling me by just my nickname---went. hahaha!

this photo of me was taken at the halloween party! nyaha!

perhaps, you’re right, hales. i look sexy. hahaha!

the path of light is laid...

I FINISHED REREADING DAN BROWN’S ANGELS AND DEMONS, yet again, yesterday afternoon and it was still a great read. it was like watching your favorite movie in your head. hehe! then, i went to the computer shop to check up on my site and do some net surfing. i decided to visit you tube and stumbled upon this:

i had chills while watching it! the concept of a half-angel-half-demon sculpture was a brilliant idea. there’s a frame in the clip where you can see a man (probably max kohler) being taunted by a red-hot brand. the brand was in a form of overlapping skeleton keys forming a cross. that can’t be good, can it? if my hunch is correct, the writers edited out the myth of the illuminati diamond. hays. I hope hans zimmer did the musical scoring. I love how he was able to come up with the stained glass-cathedral effect using a full orchestra and a chorus. bravo! The track used in this clip (chevaliers de sangreal) was ringing in my head while writing this post. hehe! 2009 will be jam-packed with block buster movies. angels and demons and harry potter and the half-blood prince are definitely my most anticipated movies for next year. ironically, time crawls when you want it to fly.

tom hanks will be playing the symbologist robert langdon again in angels and demons. i am disappointed at first when he played the role in the da vinci code but somehow he exuded some geekiness that helped him play the role. i think monica belluci (mary magdalene, the passion of christ) was perfect for the character of the french physicist vittoria vetra and somehow the actress who won the role resembles her. i am surprised to know that ewan mcgreggor will play the role of carlo ventresca but i’m not complaining. he’s a brilliant actor but i think jim caviezel (the passion of christ) would’ve made a good antagonist. i was thinking of the actor who played professor xavier to take the role of the director-general of CERN, maximillian kohler. it’s because of the wheelchairs, obviously! hehe!

angels and demons is one of my favorite novels probably because of my fascination towards conspiracies, ancient artifacts, and artworks. I was so hooked I even managed to make an ambigram of my name. I made haley’s one too. to have a stroll inside the vatican secret archives would be really cool! i promise myself that i will someday journey to rome, follow the path of illumination, visit the altars of science, see the markers, and drink a mug of coffee inside the illuminati lair beholding the beauty of tiber and st. peter’s basilica. hahaha! how cool would that be?! i am most curious to see the ecstasy of st. teresa. i want to see the toe-curling orgasm. hehe!

the book was very informative especially the scientific truths. for the first time, i have grown some interest with particle physics and drawn to discussions regarding CERN and its controversial particle accelerator, the large hadron collider. but i also find it very spiritual. it talks of faith, religion, and morality. i am familiar with the clash of science and religion but i didn’t know it’s that diverse, complicated, and surprisingly well-connected. the facts brown laid on the table are very trivial and controversial. i have also come to know some dark secrets lurking within the walls of the vatican and the roman catholic faith. i still wonder what the third prophecy of fatima contains. it was said that the first two came true and the third was so terrible the church never dared to reveal it? hmmm…

speaking of spirituality, a threesome of mormons came knocking to our door while writing this post. they wanted to do what they call ‘reaching out.’ i was hesitant and felt a little awkward at first. i am an evangelical christian, but i was able to convince myself that it would be better to keep an open mind. besides, i’m curious to know the nature of their faith and how their faith differs from other religion that i am familiar with. i welcomed them in and eventually they talked about family, prophets, and jesus, and somehow i couldn’t find any difference between my faith and their faith so far. i guess a single faith couldn’t be dismantled within just one sitting. they promised they’d be back this weekend. i am not sure if i want to see them again though… hmmm…

anyway, angels and demons is due may 13, 2009, here in the Philippines. For global release dates and updates, feel free to visit angelsanddemons.com.

peace out!

another tease from the 'prince'

I AM STILL DISAPPOINTED and a little frustrated towards warner brothers’ decision not to premiere harry potter and the half-blood prince until july next year. this was supposed to be my most anticipated movie of 2008. watching it on IMAX 3D would’ve definitely beaten the exhilaration of passing my licensure examinations. harry potter fanatic talking… hehe!

since i can’t do anything about it, i just keep my self updated with the latest potter news while waiting, along with wizards, witches and muggles who knows the lightning-scarred boy busy playing with his stick. i visited mugglenet and found out that a new international teaser trailer has been released. and as usual, i couldn’t help but get excited. hehe!

i like this teaser far more than the first one. i was not able to place some scenes in relation to the ‘prince’ book and it made the anticipation more exciting. i want to be surprised. i am neither a potter book purist nor a movie purist. let the writers do what they have to do just let the story be true to the books. i have come to understand that the storyline of the book must be altered for it to fit a prescribed and limited length of a movie. but 24-hour long potter movie would be really cool! piece of advice: don’t read the books before watching. it lessens the disappointed. hehe!i am frustrated at first especially towards ‘sorcerer’s’ and ‘chamber’ because of the deleted scenes and changes but ‘azkaban’ was really great! alfonso cuaron twisted the story and i loved it. the fate of the ‘hallows’ was somehow left to david yates’ hands. crap.

i consider myself more of a reader than a writer and if harry didn’t pass under my nose i don’t think i could handle any extensive reading at all. the series made me love reading. i can’t remember how many times i’ve read each book from it. a principle somehow was formed in my head: if i could read a book as ‘thick’ as harry, i could deal with any thick books out there (except for medical books of course. there was this medical-surgical nursing book required for our curriculum. it was five inches thick and as big as the book of shadows in the tv series charmed. the letters were so minute it could practically blind you not to mention that it could cause severe cerebral hemorrhage due to very strange and difficult-to-pronounce medical terminologies. this book could kill, i tell you. but still i’m alive, you see? haha! did i mention it’s on two volumes?). i was fascinated by jk rowling’s descriptive and creative prowess. since harry potter, i was motivated to read other literary works and authors. i usually dig novels about mysteries and conspiracies that’s why i admire dan brown’s works. as time went by, i was also able to view reading not just a form of entertainment and aesthetic pleasure but somehow, an escape.

it was on my sophomore year in high school when a very close friend, tracey, let me borrow her sorcerer’s stone. it took me three weeks to finish it given that it’s just a relatively thin book. i was a slow reader back then. my reading incompetence probably gave tracey a clever idea because soon after i returned it she turned lending harry potter books to a business--5 pesos a day. haha! three weeks of reading would’ve cost me 70 pesos. hehe!

anyway, i went to haley’s place last night to do some catching up and watched some one tree hill episodes. the marathon was going fine until the sounds went out. haley’s crappy sound system was the culprit. hehe! i forgot to bring my ‘dolby surrounds’ because i was so excited to hang out with her. the sounds went back anyway and i was glad the episodes were a lot cheery than the previous set. i remembered watching it, insisting on watching some gossip girl afterward, just to neutralize the heavy mood.

after watching we ate three large fries, burgers and cola at mcdonald’s, my treat. we were so full! i missed hanging out with her in that place. i couldn’t remember the last time we ate there. so many memories. after some funny and mushy talks i walked her home, her arm wrapped on mine. upon arrival at her place, i kissed her good bye and went home. she had no idea she’s the one person that keeps me sane through all my emotional baggage. i’ll definitely miss her when she leaves for saudi arabia. but just like peyton’s father had said, “people always leave. but sometimes it’s good.”

hales, if you’re reading this, please don’t comment! hahaha! peace out!