awake

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME

to end the haunting dream.

i had to wake up soon

or let death take me with eyes open,

gazing up the stars we used to catch.

i have to break my hands off

for my palms could still feel yours holding them.

i have to gouge out my eyes from my head

for they can still see the fireflies,

for they can still see you.

i had to amputate my feet

or else i won’t stop walking.

alone, along this broken road of loving hearts.

let me leap as high as i could,

shaking away the thorns your tongue placed under my skin.

i need some noise tonight

to drown away the songs that aren’t mine.

i need to stitch my lips close

using your rusted needle and my own heartrings.

no more love songs for you.

i’ll drown myself in the rain

as cold bullets of water numb my spirit

from your arms ‘round me that aren’t there,

let it freeze this heart that won’t stop beating

for a memory as vivid as a shadow in the dark.

i have dug the ground

i have carved the tombstone

engraved names using the bones of my remaining limbs

what flowers do you like?

dead lilies for you, white roses for me.

i see myself sleeping

and slowly losing breath.

someone please wake me up

for tonight has become a nightmare

and reality a joke that don’t deserve my smile.

it’s the perfect time

to finally let go of the rope

of which one end you once held.

time to strip my body off this flesh

and decaying skin you made me wear.

i am naked for all eyes to see

and after tonight i’ll be free

tomorrow i will wake up

and try to walk without feet,

see without eyes and live, free of shackles and chains.

any moment now till sunrise

the time has come to rest the soul that feeds on days past;

the emaciated soul, as feeble as your love.

an alarm went off breaking the silence as thick as glass

as sunlight danced in front of me

five, four, three, two, one,

and i am still standing but now awake.

loving lana lang

I WAS THINKING last night of what to write for my blog. unfortunately, nothing cheery came into mind. the bad weather seems to affect me in a very weird way. once again, i sat in front of my computer and started playing with the keyboard until 2 am. i had two drafts saved on my flash drive. (did i mention i have no internet connection at home? i usually write at home, save my drafts on my 256 MB kingston flash drive, and go to the nearby internet shop before i could post something here. poor me T_T) the first one is something about a pathetic guy who doesn’t learn from his mistakes or whatever, and the other is about a boulder on which bodies of seven murdered people where found, naked, disemboweled and had cult symbols written on their decomposing skin. who’s thinking of jack right now?

but thanks to smallville i have something cheery to write about! hahaha! i was so bored earlier this morning that i decided to do a dvd marathon of all the dvd’s i brought home from haley’s last sunday (going there again this week end). the set happened to include smallville, season 7. i finished it in just one sitting. hehe! enough of this! hehe!

ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce…

the girl of my dreams…

the girl i love...

you could break my heart anytime, lana...

isn’t she beautiful? hays… T_T her asian beauty never failed to leave me breathless. i only know one person who could cause me the same effect. hehe! i couldn’t imagine watching smallville without kristin kreuk. i mean look at those expressive beautiful eyes. they’re so ridiculous, i could look at them for all eternity. shakespeare once wrote, “if i could only measure the beauty of her eyes, then i was born to look at them and know myself.” well, i couldn’t agree more! haha! and her long black shiny hair… i would love to run my fingers in them. one more thing i love about kristin kreuk is how she laughs. when she laughs, her nose kind of wrinkles. it’s so cute.

i just love her character in smallville. innocent-looking and gives out that girl-next-door vibe. that’s when she’s not infected by the green radiocative meteor rocks, and of course, busy lip-locking with clark kent. i wish i was superman T_T).

unfortunately, the dvd is incomplete. it only had 6 episodes. i have to buy a complete one. i’m done with the 3^rd season of grey’s anatomy. i had to exercise my medical brain cells, which is currently being rusted away, probably due to chronic boredom and too much caffeine. i am planning to start prison break soon… again. apparently sarah tancredi is not dead after all… so whose head was in that freaking box in season 2? one tree hill mania happens weekly at haley’s place. my brother downloads the fresh episodes for me. wee! see you soon, hales.

i wonder if kristin kreuk walks slow too…

hmmm…

. . .

JUST GOT IN: Kristin Kreuk will play Chun-Li in Hyde Park Entertainment's Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li! Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak from a Justin Marks script, the action pic starts filming in Thailand in March, 2008. 20th Century Fox will distribute the live-action feature based on Capcom's video game. The movie is focused on female fighter Chun-Li and her journey for justice. Thanks, ice! :)

the dream

YOU ARE A DREAM. how did i know? i know because every time i touch you i couldn’t feel a thing. that white skin sure looks so soft. how unfortunate i couldn’t feel it. you are a dream because everytime my lips touch that curve on your neck, i couldn’t feel any sensation. everytime i lean on your breasts, i couldn’t hear a heartbeat. but you’re not dead because i could hear your slow breathing. because i hear your soft voice. because i feel your presence. but not you.

perhaps you’re a ghost? that’s not likely either. you’re not a ghost because you’re beautiful and ghosts are scary. i am afraid of ghosts but i am not afraid of you. i am drawn to you, actually. well, if you’re a beautiful ghost, could you haunt me forever? but you’re not a ghost. ghosts glide and you walk with your feet touching the ground. you just walk so slow. and that’s one thing i like about you. when i walk with you in such slow pace, the world seems to slow down too. i see everything. every blink, every step. i feel everything thing, your presence, but not you.

if you’re not dead, and you’re not a ghost then what are you? perhaps you’re an angel. but i thought angels have wings and have that circular thing hovering on their heads. angel or not, but being here with you…i am definitely in heaven right now. i could kiss those lips a thousand times. i mean what kind of being own that kind of lips? they’re so perfect. if i could only kiss and actually feel them. but i can’t. i can’t do anything but just look, bite my own lips instead… and sigh.

so what are you? who are you? you are dream. that’s the only explanation. you’re here in the sense that i can feel you’re presence, but in reality you’re just so far from me. you’re a dream because i am unbelievably happy. crazy happy. like i-could-die-right-now happy. and in the real world no such thing exists. no such feeling could survive in a world full of misery, and of hopelessness, and hate. true love is a hoax, the same goes with true happiness. people only pretend to be in love. people pretend to be happy but in the back of their heads, the same question troubles their soul. they’re not happy. i feel happy and make you make me happy. but happiness doesn’t exist in my world that’s why you’re a dream. you are dream and this is your world. this place is much better than anywhere else. i don’t want to wake up anymore… don’t pinch me okay? i want to stay here.

i love your world. because here, i am able to love and be loved back in return. you love me, right? i want to live here with you. i don’t want to go back because here, i have someone to write me poems, love letters, and someone who sings me cheesy love songs. who watches me sleep and who hugs me from the back. someone who laughs at my corny jokes and cooks me my favorite spaghetti for dinner. who waits for me when i work late, and doesn’t sleep till i get home. who writes me books and give them as presents for my birthday. who whispers my name in the winds and prays that i would be always safe. no one in the real world does these things to me. i want to live in your world because you live in it. i want this world to be my world too.

you’re not a ghost. you’re not dead either. you’re just not real. and in spite of the i-could-die-right-now happiness, i feel terribly sad because any moment now i’ll wake up from all of this. i will wake up on my bed hugging my pillow pretending it’s you. i’ll wake up with a heavy heart and the sun will lick my face and my bug-infested bed will stop me from moving a muscle.

you’re a dream. that’s why i can’t be with you as much as i want to. as much as i wanted to be in wonderland, i couldn’t beat the fact that i have to live in this freaking reality. this is my world not yours. and as much as you want to live here, you just can’t. fantasies do not survive here. sad but soon i will wake up. and as i close my eyes from your dream, i’ll open my eyes to my nightmare. i’ll open my eyes as i lie in my bed, nothing to do but hug my pillow, close my eyes so hard, whisper your one-syllable name, in the hope that i’ll dream of you again…

...

"Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't? And what you thought wasn't true was? Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream. And the only way to wake up is to face what lies hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone..."

--Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

para kay len-len

WE ARE SO FAR APART but i am not at all surprised. a little sad but i know everything happened for a reason. actually i’m currently swimming in memories as i write this open letter. i couldn’t help it. tomorrow is a special day for you. you have really matured through the years and i unfortunately am wasting my time waiting for something i don’t know what. speaking of immaturity.

last night, i was planning to write something for this blog, but inspiration didn’t come as i had expected. i just stared blankly on my monitor with my fingers on the keyboard. but the words didn’t come as they usually do. i even took a shower, drank my favorite mocha coffee, and turned on some alternative music, but i only ended staring at my monitor… waiting for the words that didn’t come…

i couldn’t sleep last night. writing usually lulls me to sleep but last night, it failed me or rather i failed myself because i was not able to make my head turn its gears and do its job. i was not inspired to write, i guess. i remembered how excited i was to write whenever i get an inspiration. i used to lie prone on my bed, take a glance of your painting on my wall, and write using a pencil on my tattered notebook filled with your four-letter name i unconsciously wrote. i write whatever comes into my head. back then, words were overflowing. limitless. powerful surges of words like blood from an artery rooting from my heart to my hands. i could clearly remember how those words filled pages, and how those pages turned into books. it was js prom when i gave you the first one, on your 18^th birthday, the second, and six months ago, you gave them back to me. again, i was not surprised. it’s just karma.

since i wasn’t inspired to write last night, i decided to read something instead. i first thought of angels and demons, but dan brown could wait till tomorrow. i browsed my bookshelf and found it—'i like you just because' by albert j. nimeth. it was a very remarkable book and i was able to spot it almost instantly because of its bright yellow cover. the yellow book i call it. i turned to the title page. there was a note from me. i know i’m a corny person but upon reading the note, i could bet my head, that i’m the corniest person on earth alive. i gave that book to you on your 17^th birthday. i told you on the note that it cost 75 pesos. i lied. it was only 50---bought it from the catacombs of national bookstore in pavilion mall. it is a book about friendship. i gave it to you in an attempt to mask my true feelings. we should’ve taken that book seriously. now i’ve realized i became your lover first before i became your friend… and now, we’re nothing but strangers.

what struck me upon reading the note was the date. 18 sept. 2004. “it’s today!” i silently screamed to myself. you’ll be celebrating your birthday soon. and i got excited—that, i am not surprised. that familiar excitement never left me. the excitement i feel on the eve of your birthday. the same excitement i still feel whenever i see you. i never told that you’re very intimidating, but in a good way. intimidating in the sense that i have to be at my best whenever you’re around. in the sense that you never fail to make my heart skip a beat or make me jump off my skin. i am not good in remembering dates, or numbers. you might find this weird, but i never forget to remember your birthday.

i wish you all the happiness, because you deserve it. this day would be really hard to celebrate without her around but i know--she’s with you. you are one of the strongest persons i know. i have always envied and admired the strength that emanates from you. life has been difficult, and i had made it much worse for you, i know i did, and i did so sorry.

logic tells me you’ll not be able to read this, and i know you’re busy taking care of glyneth and preparing for the upcoming boards. but my heart hopes, in some way that you would. i am drowning in memories right now. happy memories. i am not asking nor hoping for anything. i had learned to accept that. i just can’t let go of the memories. let me keep them just for awhile. i want to keep them for they remind me of who i was. i am so far from the person i have always wanted to be and in some way the memory of you makes me a step closer. let me keep them till i find my solid ground.

happy birthday. stay safe.

always,

-- Basta

alcoholic thoughts

THERE WERE THREE THINGS i promised myself i will never ever do: one, i will not smoke. two, i will not be an adulterer. and three, i will not drink alcohol (i mean at all). my dad was the main reason i made this pact with myself many moons ago, when he was still a jack-ass of a father. there came a point in my life that i despised him so much that i became so determined not to become like him, especially his not so good attributes back then -- the three i just mentioned. but i’m not going to talk about my relationship with my father because i also promised myself to make this post a little happier this time due to insistent public demand. hehehe! let’s stir things a bit, shall we?

well, things are easier said than done. i broke one of the three. i became an adulterer! hahaha! did i mention i’m single? hehe! i was not able to fulfill the third one, actually. if you were able to read ‘tag number two’ you may already know that i was a late bloomer in terms of romantic relationships and same goes with my social drinking. believe it or not, my first taste of alcohol was when i was in 2^nd year… college! hehe! crazy, right? well, call me naïve but my principle about drinking back then was so rock-solid as my heart for my father, not to mention that i have lived my young years with my conservative grand parents.

as much as i valued my promise, it was rather very hard to keep. whenever there were birthday parties or special occasions with friends, and i refuse to have a drink, i couldn’t help but feel a little like an out-cast. the phrase ‘kill joy’ rang in my ears many times, and i couldn’t help but ask myself if i was still being reasonable. however, i was able to talk myself out of the personal conflict by saying ‘peer pressure’ over and over in my head.

i remembered the first time i got drunk and how amused i was for being able to finally feel how it’s like to be possessed by the spirit of alcohol. it seemed like a right of passage and i did it, finally. being an alcohol celibate, i became more curious about being drunk especially because of the myths and legends that had been formed about it. drunk people deny that they’re drunk. drunkenness becomes an excuse to socially unacceptable acts. (girl: something happened to us last night! boy: really? i really can’t remember. i was drunk!). and some says, you are the real you when you’re drunk. i think i need a couple more drinks to master alcohol’s effects… :)

i have learned to drink, but only the hard ones. i couldn’t enumerate them all but most of them were amber-colored, and the clear vodka, of course. my stomach couldn’t tolerate beer or let’s just say the soft ones. i hate the taste and they make me want to vomit out of nausea. i just don’t know why.

since i started to drink i have been to a lot of ‘drinking sessions.’ but more importantly i have learned something really vital: terrible things happen when you lose control. it is very important to know your limits and be a responsible drinker. learned it the hard way though. haha! i got drunk one time and i flirted with someone, with of my ex right infron of me. hehe! there was one time when i lost control. i can’t give you the exact picture of the craziness that had transpired that night. besides, they are too ghastly to tell! hehe! but to those who had the same experience, there’s a chance it had also happened to you :)

but the point is, since then, i became more apprehensive of how much i drink. that night will never happen again, i told myself. the lesson i’ve learned was tested, again, one night when we were invited to a fiesta. booze and fatty foods were everywhere. there was a videoke machine (my eyes literally sparkle in the sight of these ingenious inventions). everything was so festive and there’s no point of holding back. hahaha!

i got drunk as usual, but this time, due to a desperate attempt to hang on my sanity, and determination to be hailed as the only one who did not ‘met the goal’ (vomited), i did some things (i have no idea why i’m telling you this) and they actually worked for me. you could follow them, if you’re totally mental like me! haha!:

1. do push ups. (i can’t remember how many)
2. do jumping jacks. (just imagine the scene. people drinking while a groggy idiot jumps up and down)
3. punch a wall. (i still can’t help but laugh when i remember marky saying: ron, ‘wag ganyan. ilabas mo yan. alam mo ang selfish mo! i-share mo yang nararamdaman mo!) hahaha!
4. sing your lungs out. (i ruined my reputation. i can’t remember destroying a song completely. haley was my witness! haha! my favorite song to sing in the videoke lately is ‘bitiw’ by sponge cola)
5. isolate yourself. (i sat on an empty pedicab, but, being stationary made the ‘spinning’ worse so i decided to stand up against a lamppost. i think i was praying and singing a gospel song to drive out alcoholic spirits).
6. water and coffee therapy. (i asked the host for two large mugs of strong black coffee and plenty of drinking water. i killed a lot of potted plants that night).
7. take a shower. (i nearly got sick of seeing the toilet bowl already filled with semi-digested food my friends ate that night. happy fiesta! people lose manners when they’re drunk)
8. massage someone. (as i wait for the alcohol lose control of my central nervous system, i busied myself by massaging haley’s back. she told me i was good. i am good in a lot of things, i told her. hahaha!)
9. eat a lot. (food slows down the effect of alcohol. ate a plateful of chicken macaroni that night)
10. don’t sleep immediately. (alcohol is a depressant so it’s natural to feel drowsy. however, in my experience, risk of vomiting increases when you sleep immediately).

i hate the feeling of having a hang-over. hays… but somehow i miss the feeling of being ‘possessed.’ perhaps because of how it helps me get rid of my inhibitions, eradicate all pretensions, break my walls, and build bridges…

long post again… hehe! sorry, guys! at least it’s a little cheery, right? hehe!