You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...

-Walt Whitman


before sunrise

HIS SILHOUETTE is sharp against the bluish gray skies and the murky-colored lake. The sun hasn’t risen yet and a ghostly panorama envelops the harbor. His gaze falls on the horizon. But there is something in his eyes indicating he’s not looking at something at all. Hands in his pocket, he mulls on a melancholic thought; his brow curves and his lips purse, occasionally parting and billowing white vapor into the chilly morning air. He stands on a wooden dock, a couple of inches from the edge. He pulls out a hand and takes a look at his watch. There it is again. In his eyes is an unmistakable sadness; a deep sea barely calmed by a thin sheet of hope. He puts his hand back in his pocket and fixes his gaze ahead. He stands so still as if the world will freeze by doing so.

She rolls down the window. Cold seaweed-scented air immediately crashes against her face, enfolding her, filling her lungs. Outside is the familiar ghostly sight of the harbor. From the distance, she can see the young man—as motionless as a sculpture carved in black stone. The girl looks at him with eyes burdened with the same desolation. She opens the door of the car and walks out into the gravel pathway towards the harbor. Her hair dances gracefully against the wind, revealing her beautiful face. She walks on till she reaches the wooden dock. Her heart beats fast wishing the world and everything in it to stop.

The young man lost in his own reverie hears footsteps. He closes his eyes for a moment tilts his head backwards and opens them again. He sees feathery white clouds and gulls disrupting the dark-colored sky. Even with the sounds of the birds above him and the waves crashing on the breakwater, and the echoing horns of ferries, the sound of the footsteps is very distinct in his ears. As he listens to it, the loneliness that drowns his heart abates like a tide retreating from the shore. Then, the footsteps stops cueing his heart to skip a beat.

“You probably thought I’d left without saying goodbye.” She says.

“Almost.” He turns around and gives the girl a gentle smile.

The girl gives a shy smile, walks to his side and sits on the edge of the dock, her feet dangling just above the water’s surface. She looks upon the horizon now turning into a cyan color. The sun is about to rise. The young man sits beside her and looks at her face. His eyes are now replaced with wonder, sorrow, and flickering joy.

“You’re doing it again.” The girl says with eyes still straight ahead.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to memorize everything.” He looks at her, carving the image into his soul—an attempt to permanently stain his memory with the beauty that lay before him.

“I will miss you.” She meets his gaze with glassy eyes.

“I miss you already. So much I almost can’t bear it.” He says. Their expressions become mirror images of each other, crumpled with loneliness. The girl turns her gaze back to the horizon, her lips slightly quivering in the attempt to delay the cracking floodgates of emotion.

“Do you regret knowing me?” She silently asks.

“Yeah. Sometimes.” The guy held the girl’s hand. “But right now, I don’t understand why such thought found me. Maybe because I knew this day would come. And there are times when I don’t know how to deal with the thought of us apart. I will never be able make sense of my world without you in it.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it? To love someone and knowing that separation is inevitable.”

“Just looking at you right now is torment beyond words. And now that that day is upon us, I again find myself at that point where I do not know what to do with it. It hurts. But I don’t regret knowing you or loving you. I just wish there’s a way to keep you forever.”

The girl turns to wrap her arms around the guy, who in turn embraces her, tightly like he’s not letting go. He breathes her scent, her presence, taking in as much as he can.

“There should be a reason why people hurt when they love. There must be. And I think there is. The sorrow is what makes our love real. And I think knowing that’s the kind of love we have is enough. And if it’s true, we will always find our way back.” He says in her ears. He can feel tears flowing across his face.

“Love should be simple. For something powerful and sublime, it shouldn’t be this complicated—Love and life. But apparently, they aren’t. And that scares me.” She says with a broken voice.

“I’m scared too. And I think we are afraid because there are still much we have to learn. It’s the ignorance that makes us feel inadequate in a way. But we will get there, I promise you.”
“I don’t want to go.” The young man releases her from his arms and cups the girl’s face with both hands.

“I don’t want you to but I won’t let you stay either. I’ll be just here, alright? One day, when all your dreams are finally realized, I’ll make sure I am the one standing next to you, celebrating my own dreams with yours.”

The first ray of light bursts out from the horizon. Everything it touches immediately bursts into life. The mist hovering over the surface of the lake retreats, revealing a silver plain of sparkling water. Two figures stand by the dock, hands joined before a new sun ever wondering what ventures lay before them and the love they hope to kindle through the darkness of the unknown beyond.

image by Kathy


jonathan said...

I never cry reading entries but today I did. It hit me hard, just like your story, it happened to me.

Anonymous said...


RJ said...

Winner! Maganda ang pagkasulat; walang kupas si Roneiluke, RN!

Naramdaman ko talaga ang mga emotions sa kwento, parang ako 'yong young man.

Teka, nasa anong stage ka na ba ng book na isinusulat mo, Ron? Baka kailangan ng name ng character, isali mo- RJ. Parang gusto kong sabihin sa 'yong iwanan mo na ang pagiging nurse, magsulat ka nalang. o",)

ELAY said...

Oh my.. how sad. :'(

Anonymous said...

來給你加油打氣!!!保重!!! .................................................................