You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...

-Walt Whitman


your love is a song

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I hear you breathing in

Another day begins

The stars are falling out

My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open

I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Your love is a symphony

All around me

Running through me

Your love is a melody

Underneath me

Running to me

Your love is a song

The dawn is fire bright

Against the city lights

The clouds are glowing now

The moon is blacking out

I've been keeping my mind wide open

I've been keeping my mind wide open

Your love is a song

With my eyes wide open

I've got my eyes wide open

I've been keeping my hopes unbroken.

Title: Your Love Is A Song
Artist: Switchfoot
Album: Hello Hurricane


First heard this song from the 7th Season of One Tree Hill. Now that Hilarie Burton and Chad Michael Murray are no longer part of the show, the soundtrack plays a major part in keeping the whole thing afloat in my opinion-- and that includes the alternative music of Switchfoot. I love them. Need I say more?



HEAD TILTED BACKWARDS, my thoughts moved forward into nothingness. My head was as empty as the bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table in front of me. It felt strange because I am usually burdened with too many things, but not that night; not that moment. Within that gap in time, I was weightless. All was clear. Nothingness. But the ironic part was that in that moment of clarity, my senses seemed to have shut down. I saw a ceiling where shadows of trees danced against the wailing wind. The rain crashed against the windows and poured like bullets on the roof. I perceived the things I saw, the things I heard and smelled, but I couldn’t make sense of them. They just passed through me and into a void, without leaving any trace or echo to validate their existence. What was left was just a blank expanse of quiescence, so potent that it silenced even the roars of thunder brought by the storm. All was clear. All was quiet.

But then from the very center of that clarity, came a rumbling sound. It stemmed from my chest, sending tremors into my throat, posing like drum rolls resounding in the hollows of my consciousness. The blank universe slowly broke and in the center of it all, stood a memory. It revealed itself as a fine dust at first. With no definite shape, its colored particles moved randomly towards everywhere. And then very slowly, it collapsed into itself to form a solid image. It was so beautiful. What stood before me collided with every functioning sense and defied every ounce of reason. Conflicted waves of euphoria washed over me; bittersweet and sharp. I looked at her, memorized every line, every curve. I inhaled every detail like a drug. In an instant I was addicted, detesting anything that could inspire sobriety.

I was smiling under the shadows as I continued to revel in her presence, all the while trying to keep reason at bay. I wanted to pluck her out of my thoughts into the real world. I wanted to open my eyes to see if she’s really there but I didn’t. I was afraid I might lose her if I did. She looked so fragile. My breathing was shallow because even a soft gust of wind could sweep her away. She wouldn’t talk. I couldn’t make her talk. I couldn’t dare to touch her because I didn’t want to break her, all the while fighting the idea that she’s real.

She came back to me that stormy night like a ray of light and lingered for a brief moment. And then she went into shadows, whispering false hope from the dark. Eyes closed, I watched as the details blurred; her smile, her lips, her love. And finally it burst into a puff of smoke, disintegrating, succumbing into nonbeing. She was gone. And as she went, my senses crept back. The alcoholic taste of wine returned on my mouth. The rainwater forged music against everything it touched. The shadows on the ceiling looked like permanent stains I would never be able to scrub away. Thunder bullied the skies. Flashes of light illuminated the night and finally the cold blade of loneliness seeped through.

I longed for how the memory burned inside me. And so I closed my eyes once again, but she wouldn’t appear. Not anymore. The moment of clarity had gone. My mind was once again cluttered, recoiling to its usual chaotic state. They say that the truth is easier than a lie or any form of evasion. It’s easier to deal with; easier to live with. But not this one. No lie or fantasy can break it. There’s no way of evading it or hiding from it. She will always find me, and be with me, without any promise of staying. The truth I was facing was absolute—I fell in love with a memory. And each time I remember; each time I see her face when I think of her, I can’t help but fall…over and over again.

image by copycat_s


before sunrise

HIS SILHOUETTE is sharp against the bluish gray skies and the murky-colored lake. The sun hasn’t risen yet and a ghostly panorama envelops the harbor. His gaze falls on the horizon. But there is something in his eyes indicating he’s not looking at something at all. Hands in his pocket, he mulls on a melancholic thought; his brow curves and his lips purse, occasionally parting and billowing white vapor into the chilly morning air. He stands on a wooden dock, a couple of inches from the edge. He pulls out a hand and takes a look at his watch. There it is again. In his eyes is an unmistakable sadness; a deep sea barely calmed by a thin sheet of hope. He puts his hand back in his pocket and fixes his gaze ahead. He stands so still as if the world will freeze by doing so.

She rolls down the window. Cold seaweed-scented air immediately crashes against her face, enfolding her, filling her lungs. Outside is the familiar ghostly sight of the harbor. From the distance, she can see the young man—as motionless as a sculpture carved in black stone. The girl looks at him with eyes burdened with the same desolation. She opens the door of the car and walks out into the gravel pathway towards the harbor. Her hair dances gracefully against the wind, revealing her beautiful face. She walks on till she reaches the wooden dock. Her heart beats fast wishing the world and everything in it to stop.

The young man lost in his own reverie hears footsteps. He closes his eyes for a moment tilts his head backwards and opens them again. He sees feathery white clouds and gulls disrupting the dark-colored sky. Even with the sounds of the birds above him and the waves crashing on the breakwater, and the echoing horns of ferries, the sound of the footsteps is very distinct in his ears. As he listens to it, the loneliness that drowns his heart abates like a tide retreating from the shore. Then, the footsteps stops cueing his heart to skip a beat.

“You probably thought I’d left without saying goodbye.” She says.

“Almost.” He turns around and gives the girl a gentle smile.

The girl gives a shy smile, walks to his side and sits on the edge of the dock, her feet dangling just above the water’s surface. She looks upon the horizon now turning into a cyan color. The sun is about to rise. The young man sits beside her and looks at her face. His eyes are now replaced with wonder, sorrow, and flickering joy.

“You’re doing it again.” The girl says with eyes still straight ahead.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to memorize everything.” He looks at her, carving the image into his soul—an attempt to permanently stain his memory with the beauty that lay before him.

“I will miss you.” She meets his gaze with glassy eyes.

“I miss you already. So much I almost can’t bear it.” He says. Their expressions become mirror images of each other, crumpled with loneliness. The girl turns her gaze back to the horizon, her lips slightly quivering in the attempt to delay the cracking floodgates of emotion.

“Do you regret knowing me?” She silently asks.

“Yeah. Sometimes.” The guy held the girl’s hand. “But right now, I don’t understand why such thought found me. Maybe because I knew this day would come. And there are times when I don’t know how to deal with the thought of us apart. I will never be able make sense of my world without you in it.”

“It hurts, doesn’t it? To love someone and knowing that separation is inevitable.”

“Just looking at you right now is torment beyond words. And now that that day is upon us, I again find myself at that point where I do not know what to do with it. It hurts. But I don’t regret knowing you or loving you. I just wish there’s a way to keep you forever.”

The girl turns to wrap her arms around the guy, who in turn embraces her, tightly like he’s not letting go. He breathes her scent, her presence, taking in as much as he can.

“There should be a reason why people hurt when they love. There must be. And I think there is. The sorrow is what makes our love real. And I think knowing that’s the kind of love we have is enough. And if it’s true, we will always find our way back.” He says in her ears. He can feel tears flowing across his face.

“Love should be simple. For something powerful and sublime, it shouldn’t be this complicated—Love and life. But apparently, they aren’t. And that scares me.” She says with a broken voice.

“I’m scared too. And I think we are afraid because there are still much we have to learn. It’s the ignorance that makes us feel inadequate in a way. But we will get there, I promise you.”
“I don’t want to go.” The young man releases her from his arms and cups the girl’s face with both hands.

“I don’t want you to but I won’t let you stay either. I’ll be just here, alright? One day, when all your dreams are finally realized, I’ll make sure I am the one standing next to you, celebrating my own dreams with yours.”

The first ray of light bursts out from the horizon. Everything it touches immediately bursts into life. The mist hovering over the surface of the lake retreats, revealing a silver plain of sparkling water. Two figures stand by the dock, hands joined before a new sun ever wondering what ventures lay before them and the love they hope to kindle through the darkness of the unknown beyond.

image by Kathy


when you find me

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Something is said

It sits in my head

It's been there too long,

It's killing me slow

It's rolling around,

It's pushing me down

It's keeping the good part of me closed

My only weakness is knowing your secrets

And holding them close, and hold them tight

I know the way to silently make you smile with my eyes,

When you're trying to fight

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me?

I need you to know today--

I'll wait for you always.

Title: When You Find Me
Artist: Joshua Radin
Album: Adam Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

First heard this song from the movie Adam. It's a fantastic movie by the way. It's about this guy named Adam and he has this disorder that made him difficult to interact with people. And then he fell in love. This song was perfect for the movie. I like Johua Radin's music. Makes me love folk even more. Thanks OTH for introducing new and great artists!


poisons and antidotes

I AM STUCK IN REVERSE, thoughts reeling backwards from the day you decided to take back the heart you placed on my hands. As I watched you walk away, your back on my face, the world began to spin the opposite way. The day grew darker till it completely faded into night. And I was left there alone like I usually am until you came. And I am still here, alone, drinking a cocktail of sadness brewed with my own hands—a poison to the soul I wish I could suck out of my system but couldn’t. Because in truth, you’re the only brand of happiness that could intoxicate me. You’re my antidote.

I need you and I want you back. I am mustering what’s left of my pride to choke out these words because I have no right to implore for anything. It is wrong for me to ask for forgiveness or any form of absolution. I am stripped of everything when I took that wrong small step that caused you a big deal of pain. And for that, no one should be blamed but me. It would be poetic justice for you to just loathe me for what I’ve done, and look me in the eye as you watch me slowly die in misery. I will leave you without harboring any trace of neither hate nor bitterness in my heart because you have given me the opposite. You have given me love, as sweet as any true love can be. And that what makes the separation much more unbearable. Because I fail to understand the reasons why I was able to give you hurts as much as I give you love.

There are people who believe in second chances, and those who don’t. I sincerely hope that you belong to those who do. Because if there’s still a sliver of chance, no matter how small it may be even to the point of almost impossibility, I’d still take it and bridge the struggles that I need to take for me to hold you in my arms again, facing new days with faith and hope renewed. I have betrayed your trust. And I don’t think there are right words to earn it back. But if you don’t believe and your door is already sealed shut, I will not barge it down. You deserve a safe haven free of lies and deceit, and selfish desires—a sanctuary where you can find healing from all the wounds I have inflicted upon you. I will not knock, but I’ll wait by your doorstep till you open the door and let me in, with nothing but a flower and a promise of always being there for you. But until that moment comes and we see each other somewhere in the future, I would look at you with joy and reminisce how we spent that one night basking underneath the flickering lights of the stars.

I am sorry and I love you—I hope these words would fail to diminish the true essence of what I am trying to say. Because in my heart, these two things stretch as far as the heavens and I hope they would reach and kindle yours and still find in it a special place for me to stay.