a new chapter of new horizons

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BUGGED BY AN URGE TO THINK but ended up not thinking at all? that happens to me a lot. the desire to think is there but the thoughts just either decided not to come or they conspired to enter your mind all at the same time. there’s no point in thinking if there’s nothing to ponder about or there’s too much to think about that your brain couldn’t process them all. well, that’s not unusual for someone like me; someone with a disorganized mind. but since my mind seems to find itself a clearing in my fangorn forest of a brain at this moment, i guess i’ll just take advantage of it.

as the new year begins i figured it’s the perfect time to reflect on what last year was all about. don’t worry it’s not a year-end report (i don’t watch much of local tv), just the highlights and the implications of last year to me. i am just glad it’s all over.

last year was the toughest year of my life in this planet inhabited by earthlings and aliens alike. i should know because that was the year when i realized that my tear ducts could hold a chronic and continuous torrent of tears (not to mention those that flow through my nose). my heart got broken for the first time. i thought i was going nuts picking up the pieces. i felt like no one could understand the painful ordeal that even i couldn’t fully understand. i was socially dormant. i was afraid to embrace the pain. that, i think, was the main reason why depression was able to swallow me whole. long-term therapy was required but along the way i became so vulnerable and eventually got lost. i had nothing to lead me back to a solid ground. i was just there, floating, dead in the sea.

it didn’t take long before i fell in love with a rebound; or rather my head told me i was in love to spare me from the crushing pain my heart was causing me. i became so emotionally unstable, ready to self-destruct at any time like a time bomb. i couldn’t understand my emotions anymore. whenever i get romantically involved with someone, i go back to the conclusion that i might be in love. i guess when there’s a void in your heart that needs to be filled, the void usually becomes a black hole, sucking misery, and loneliness, and imitations of love. they enter your heart, corrupt your mind, and torture your spirit. there came to a point when i thought i was becoming an evil person; a monster. i remembered the argument whether man is innately evil or good. but i guess this is not the question that matters. a man is not purely bad or good. it is our choices that define us as persons. it is the side that we choose to nurture that becomes our identity.

it’s a good feeling to realize all these things after what had happened. indeed, when you grew empty of the ugly emotions, moved on, and drew the line of your sanctuary from hate and bitterness, you became much aware of what you were and are feeling. you learn and you grow. answers are just lurking underneath the broken pieces. we’re just preoccupied of averting our eyes to the ugly reality in front of us.

as the new year begins, new year’s resolutions becomes pretty popular. why not? a new year is usually co-notated to a new start. a lot of people wanted to change and have a clean slate but some are just faint-hearted to want change. i don’t believe in such resolutions but i do believe in the will of the heart, the power of the mind, and the strength of the spirit. with all these, coveted change is almost incontrovertible.

life is full of suffering; however, we still live in a ‘half-half’ world, according to my friend and a philosophy professor back in college. there were tears but there were still smiles and laughs. last year was the end of my academic life but the start of another course of intensive learning. we learn to live but more importantly we live to learn. i graduated from college with flying colors and passed the licensure examinations and became a registered nurse. then just recently i became a certified iv therapist, a trained basic life support practitioner, and a member of the philippine national red cross. five months ago i became a citizen of this blogging world which i love so much because i was able to connect and learn with people even those to the other side of the globe. so much had happened and yet there’s so much to come and to do. this is just a grain of sand of the mountain i want to climb. there’s so much to learn and loads to write about.

life goes on and i’ll continue to live and deconstruct life and love and anything between them. i am so psyched what the new horizon i am looking at has for me…