You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


31.12.08

a new chapter of new horizons


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BUGGED BY AN URGE TO THINK but ended up not thinking at all? that happens to me a lot. the desire to think is there but the thoughts just either decided not to come or they conspired to enter your mind all at the same time. there’s no point in thinking if there’s nothing to ponder about or there’s too much to think about that your brain couldn’t process them all. well, that’s not unusual for someone like me; someone with a disorganized mind. but since my mind seems to find itself a clearing in my fangorn forest of a brain at this moment, i guess i’ll just take advantage of it.

as the new year begins i figured it’s the perfect time to reflect on what last year was all about. don’t worry it’s not a year-end report (i don’t watch much of local tv), just the highlights and the implications of last year to me. i am just glad it’s all over.

last year was the toughest year of my life in this planet inhabited by earthlings and aliens alike. i should know because that was the year when i realized that my tear ducts could hold a chronic and continuous torrent of tears (not to mention those that flow through my nose). my heart got broken for the first time. i thought i was going nuts picking up the pieces. i felt like no one could understand the painful ordeal that even i couldn’t fully understand. i was socially dormant. i was afraid to embrace the pain. that, i think, was the main reason why depression was able to swallow me whole. long-term therapy was required but along the way i became so vulnerable and eventually got lost. i had nothing to lead me back to a solid ground. i was just there, floating, dead in the sea.

it didn’t take long before i fell in love with a rebound; or rather my head told me i was in love to spare me from the crushing pain my heart was causing me. i became so emotionally unstable, ready to self-destruct at any time like a time bomb. i couldn’t understand my emotions anymore. whenever i get romantically involved with someone, i go back to the conclusion that i might be in love. i guess when there’s a void in your heart that needs to be filled, the void usually becomes a black hole, sucking misery, and loneliness, and imitations of love. they enter your heart, corrupt your mind, and torture your spirit. there came to a point when i thought i was becoming an evil person; a monster. i remembered the argument whether man is innately evil or good. but i guess this is not the question that matters. a man is not purely bad or good. it is our choices that define us as persons. it is the side that we choose to nurture that becomes our identity.

it’s a good feeling to realize all these things after what had happened. indeed, when you grew empty of the ugly emotions, moved on, and drew the line of your sanctuary from hate and bitterness, you became much aware of what you were and are feeling. you learn and you grow. answers are just lurking underneath the broken pieces. we’re just preoccupied of averting our eyes to the ugly reality in front of us.

as the new year begins, new year’s resolutions becomes pretty popular. why not? a new year is usually co-notated to a new start. a lot of people wanted to change and have a clean slate but some are just faint-hearted to want change. i don’t believe in such resolutions but i do believe in the will of the heart, the power of the mind, and the strength of the spirit. with all these, coveted change is almost incontrovertible.

life is full of suffering; however, we still live in a ‘half-half’ world, according to my friend and a philosophy professor back in college. there were tears but there were still smiles and laughs. last year was the end of my academic life but the start of another course of intensive learning. we learn to live but more importantly we live to learn. i graduated from college with flying colors and passed the licensure examinations and became a registered nurse. then just recently i became a certified iv therapist, a trained basic life support practitioner, and a member of the philippine national red cross. five months ago i became a citizen of this blogging world which i love so much because i was able to connect and learn with people even those to the other side of the globe. so much had happened and yet there’s so much to come and to do. this is just a grain of sand of the mountain i want to climb. there’s so much to learn and loads to write about.

life goes on and i’ll continue to live and deconstruct life and love and anything between them. i am so psyched what the new horizon i am looking at has for me…

35 comments:

kokoi said...

ganun naman lagi... tapos ang isang kabanata this year then next year, another sequel. parang pelikula.

:)

happy new year!

Dhianz said...

wow!... galing moh tlgah magsulat... u almost said it all... walah na akong maihirit...btw congratz sa lahat nang accomplishments moh... and don't worry for sure you'll soon find d' girl na magpapatibok at nang puso moh at nde kah na muling sasaktan... ok well i don't know how soon but for sure d' least time u expect it and of course in God's perfect time.. so yeah... again...hanga tlgah akoh sau... galing moh magsulat... how i wish i can be like dat too... but hey we are all different... i guess i wasn't given dat talent... but daz ok... i'm still a writer in a different way... take care alright... and have a blessed new year lucas... is dat wat u wanna be called lucas? or good-looking writer na lang kayah... i think dat sounds better...lolz... sige... hanggang sa susunod na taon... have a blessed new year! GODBLESS! -di

alex said...

HEY RON!!!!

happy new year! nice to see you back

anyways you're right new year co-notates to start anew. i hope this year's gonna be a better one for you....

like what pusang gala says

tough times don't last but tough people do...

i think you're tougher than what you give yourself credit for. just be positive and who knows? miracle happens!

Abaniko said...

Soar high, Lucas. You have so much potential in you. Cliched as this may sound but life is what we make it. We decide to be happy. Go! :)

lucas said...

kokoi: yeah! tama ka... buti na lang mahilig akong manood ng pelikula...pero may mga times na may mga eksenang kinatutulugan ko :)

dhianz: wow... lam mo consistent na laging mahaba ang mga comments mo sakin at tlga namang nakakataba ng puso :) naku sana nga magkita na kami at sana d2 xa sa earth nakatira..ahehehe! we're all writers in our own way...iba't ibang paraan nga lang :) uhmmm... pwede bang "good-looking-lucas" na lang??? ahahaha! joke! pansin ko ronz ang tawag niyo kay R2R..ron na lang siguro...kaw? san ka comportable :)

happy new year din sayo, di :)

alex: hays...sige tatandaan ko yan...napaka-nega ko kasi most of the time. i guess it's the time to be optimistic kahit paunti-unti :)

happy new year to you, mate :)


abaniko: ahehe! you're right :) happiness is indeed a choice... i just wish my heart is willing enough to seek it...

happy new year :)

Elay said...

ako kasi.. oo last year was a tough year but hey it's a new beginning.. diretso kagad.. 360 degrees.. no turning back. pero un.. treasure the lessons. GodBless

RJ said...

Isang napakalaking kabiguan, pero may napakarami at malalaki namang mga tagumpay na naabot sa buhay! Sa tingin mo naging patas lang ba?

[Mas gusto ko ang Roneiluke, dito ako mas komportable.]

RonTuron said...

Lucas,

writer's block yun di ba?

hehe

anyway, emotionally unstable ka pala sobra before, well, ok lang yun ... we all need that state for us to grow.. pero dude, dont let it keep you from doin what u wanna do.

sabi ng isang malapit kong kaibigan dati.. tears are those deeds left undone, and words left unsaid. so when u cry for that one person, it means u still have so much to say and so many things to do... but hey, thats just her opinion. i believe her though.

welcome back ulit. i hope u found stability na sa lahat. Peace out parekoy.

JoShMaRie said...

wala ka talagang kupas lucas! hehe.

buti naman sinabi mo na member ka ng red cross. guguluhin ko ang buhay mo one of these days. hahaha. :)

lucas said...

elay: it's good to know you were able to make the transition quite smoothly--360 degrees pa! ahehe! thanks :)

RJ: ahehe! sige, roneiluke :) pinagsama-samang name ko yan :)

ron2ron: ahehehe! buti na lang tapos na lahat..bagong taon na. time to move on :) thanks :)

joshmarie: huh? bakit? anong meron? ahehehehe! slamat :)

jamadi9 said...

A Blessed New Year, RON!

I am sooooo GLAD you're back!

Yup, indeed there is so much to learn! Enjoy the journey!

GodBlessYaMuch! :)

lucas said...

maam jane: wahehehe! yep :) i'm definitely back...ahehehe! a lot were learn from the previous year...:)

God bless you, maam :)

Eyprille said...

hehehe.. just a very good way to start a new year... dunno why but ngayong year lng yata ako mas naging motivated.. i made up plans or goals.. hahaha.. even scribbled them down.. sana i get to accomplish them.. heheeh.. :) God Bless to you especially your love life.. harhar..

jericho said...

hey. happy new year. hope you'll have ... i guess, just another year. whatevs ;).

rowjielogy.com said...

it's nice to see you back ron! happy new year!

lucas said...

eyrprille: ako nga rin ganun..ibang motivator din ang new year..somehow parang narefresh ang utak ko pagdating sa mga long-term goals..sana matupad natin lahat :)

jericho: happy new year too, mate :)

rowjie: thrilled to be back :) happy new year to you, rowjie :)

KRIS JASPER said...

hmmm... just to ask with what you wrote: "about this planet... is for earthlings and aliens".

DID I READ THAT RIGHT?

ALIENS.

PLURAL?

ilan kami?

but as again... I really need a day off to read your post.

lol!

HAPPY NEW YEAR COLLEAGUE!

FerBert said...

"half-half" parang sa tuesday in morrie?

So many people walk around with a meaningless life. they seem half-sleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. the way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. -Tuesdays with Morrie

happy new year ron/lucas!

lucas said...

KJ: actually i don't have the clearance to reveal that classified information..ahaha!

ferbert: wow... i am impressed :) nabasa mo na pla yung 'tuesdays' ahehe :) yep :) alot of people are living a meaningless life...sticking to the culture that doesn't work :)

REDLAN said...

not to mention those that flow through my nose- natawa ako bigla dito.

am so happy you are totally back to normal( hindi ka na naging alien at nagtago bigla for about a month, joke lang). totally back kasi mahaba ang post, meron damdamin ang bawat kataga tas back on replying-back the comments. talagang na-miss ko 'to.

nakarelate ako sa post na to dahil naranasan ko rin yung sakit, alam mo ang sakit sakit sa puso. pero tinatawanan ko na siya ngayon dahil naka move on na ako at na sense ko ikaw rin. kasi parang wala ng bitterness at realization and learning na ang nakasulat dito. Ito yun: it’s a good feeling to realize all these things after what had happened. indeed, when you grew empty of the ugly emotions, moved on, and drew the line of your sanctuary from hate and bitterness, you became much aware of what you were and are feeling. you learn and you grow.

i do believe in the will of the heart, the power of the mind, and the strength of the spirit. - plus action para mangyari at mabuo.

kaya goodluck and happy new life to you!

lucas said...

steph: ahehe! you have no idea how much i craved for this..ahehe..todo na to and then, back to the real world... neexcite tuloy ako lalo..ahehe! mwah!

red: ahehe! namiss ko din to sobra... the whole month i've been away at ang daming nangyari at it's really frustrating not being able not to write about it... but i'm back...so kelangan mahaba ang post ko para ma-consider na NORMAL. ahehe! ayun na nga yata trademark ko and i'm surprised na meron pa ring nagtityagang magbasa tulad mo..hehe!

goodluck on your new life too, red :)

Chyng said...

Hi Ron!
New layout, ang ganda! Really, toughest year mo? Consider mo nalnag to as your learning year. And I wish you more happier days ahead! ;)

lucas said...

chyng: thanks, chyng :) bago kasi bagong taon na..hehe! yep. been a tough year but i guess we become tougher this year :)

odin hood said...

happy 2009!

.::. Vanny .:. said...

ang drama ng picture! =)
happy new year!

MC said...

AMEN to that! speechless ako after mabasa ang post mo :)

gravity said...

they say that love is the most wonderful thing you'll ever have in this world. ironically, it is also the most painful especially when it has to come to an end. be thankful for the heartbreaks, for they will teach you 2 valuable lessons in life; that you are capable of loving someone, and that someone is capable of loving you.

Dhianz said...

since kinausap moh akoh at tinanong moh akoh sige hihirit akoh... dehinz koh kc feel ang lucas... so sige... don tayoh sa good-looking ron... naks!... GLR? haha... lolz.. dehinz naman siguro akoh malilito cuz si ronturon... i call him kuya ronz... you... ron... good-lookin' ron actually.. hehe... nag-explain daw bah akoh eh noh... hayz... sige... keep writin' lang.... cuz i'm a fan of urs... and for sure 'ung babaeng 'un nasa earth nah 'un... na-traffic lang... hehe... ingatz GLR! =) GODBLESS! -di

lucas said...

odin: happy 2009 din, mate :)

vanny: tamang-emo lang..ahehe! happy new year!

MC: thanks MC :) thanks for dropping by :)

gravity: very well said... :) again: the duality of pai pleasure...hays...basta magmahal na lang ng mgamahal :) hehehe!

tinay patadyong said...

i envy you. you can determine 2008 as the toughest. til now, i cannot even point out what has been the darkest in mine. but i always remind my self that great storms are only given to those who can survive them. you look great with the semi-calbo :)

i want that hair. haha.

lucas said...

tinay: ahehe! thanks! i'll never grow my hair ever again! :)

really? i hope that is because all is well in your life :)

thanks alot :)

PUSANG-gala said...

galing ako probinsya---namundok---at masaya na ngayon balik ako sa sibilisasyun dyan kana....welcome back mate....

eliment said...

bagong taon, bagong pag-asa. bagong simula. happy new year ron!

tinay patadyong said...

hell no, uhm not the hair ha. magaling lang ako sa management. especially in taming emotions na negative. ewan tumatanda na nga talaga ako masyado inside. haha :)

lucas said...

tinay: that's a good thing right? i wish i am accomplished in taming negative emotions :)

thanks for dropping by :)