You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


20.7.09

forward to the edge


OLD GROWS THE NIGHT that I am trying to kill, but keeps on slipping away from my grasp like a fearful foe. The bottomless silence is an irony of what flourishes inside me—doubtful thoughts, masked questions, and meaningless noises; almost anything that speaks of unrest and of truths barren of peace.

I stand awake at the edge of the velvet black, trying to see beyond the lack of light, groping, silently screaming my prayers into hovering invisible dusts. The eerie calm teased my senses of every sound, of every moving shadow, of every sensation perceived by my brain that tells me that I need to sleep. But how can I?
I can no longer blame the large doses of caffeine that runs through me. If I didn’t know better, I would think it’s caffeine that really lulls me to sleep. How I wish it didn’t fail me tonight. I just want to go into a deep slumber and drown myself with sweet dreams and nightmares. I do not know the difference between them anymore. It doesn’t really matter because in the end, when I wake up, they’re still dreams—mere figments of fantasy and imagination formed by a twisted mind. And because no matter how good or bad they are; I will still
wake up to find myself dreaming. This is the reality I’m trying to endure.

The clock continues to sing its usual tick-tock song—a loop of sounds playing in the most boring beat. Every move of an arm across its face is a push closer to the edge of insanity. The edge is somewhere I don’t want to find myself standing but the cruelty of the night brings out old haunting ghosts, terrifying but real, each driving me an inch closer towards a unyielding darkness. I lay here completely naked to every stimulus, eyes wide shut, trying to taste the void into which I am succumbing myself.


A personal struggle is once again amplified; raging, like water and oil in a constant brawl. The heart fights for happiness while the mind stands firm for what it thinks is just. My beliefs are put to test but the bewildering emotion that challenges these beliefs remains as strong. No side is ready to give up. Each side is waiting for the other to waver. And this war is destroying me, tearing me apart from both ends. A decision on to which side I should kindle is inescapable. The torments of indecision, fear, guilt, and loneliness have proven themselves stronger than I am and every way out seemed closed shut. Deciding to which path I should wade is like barging against locked doors. The thought of escape though cowardly, is very seductive. This is a silly thought of course. How can a person escape himself? I am trapped.


The arms continue to move clock-wise as the earth turns
westward. Sunlight will soon pour from the east and the night will burn into day. Shadows will retreat against the twilight but the dawn will never heal the lasting scars forged in the dark. My heart longs for the warm light of a new day, but time crawls when you want it to fly. I only need to suffer a few more hours before sunrise. I hope it comes soon before I run out of solid ground and fall completely. I’m nearing the tipping point. The edge is close… very close…











34 comments:

ACRYLIQUE said...

Wow! Showcase of words. *sigh* galing!

Nearing the tipping point, but im invincible. :)

Rcyan M. said...

goodluck on your journey. god bless!

ZARA 札拉 said...

may God bless u dear!

Rchrd said...

One of your paragraphs reminded me of Zhuangzi:

"It doesn’t really matter because in the end, when I wake up, they’re still dreams..."

That quote reminded me of this:

"Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man."

I like the similarity between those two. Ü If it's a comfort, I am also plagued with the same affliction, sleeplessness.I can relate.Ü

ShatterShards said...

The coming of dawn does not promise a solution to your bisected stance. Though it gives you a respite on the shadows that threaten to devour your sanity, if you yourself cannot endeavor to solve your predicament, the twilight, and the darkness that follows, it will usher another sleepless, dreamless night full of unanswered questions.

I hope you find an end to your existential wanderings, and soon.

Chyng said...

Stop sleeping and go forward. ;D

RJ said...

Kakaiba ito, hindi nakatayo sa crossroads kundi sa bangin! Sa bangin ng... kasiraan ng isip? Huh!

Hindi specific ang post na ito kaya hindi ako makapagbibigay ng aking suggestion/recommendation/advice sa 'yo. [Though I am not actually sure kung tama rin ang maipapayo ko.] "You are not alone," ('ka nga ni Michael Jackson) because there are times na ganyan din ang pakiramdam ko.

...pero ng masasabi ko lang: You're still young, very young and talented. Take it easy. Manood ka nalang ulit ng '...the Half-blood Prince' sa IMAX kasama sina Lenlen at Hale. U

ELAY said...

andito nanaman ako master ron and as usual i'm blown away with your words. eye love eeeet

leslie said...

The torments of indecision, fear, guilt, and loneliness have proven themselves stronger than I am and every way out seemed closed shut. Deciding to which path I should wade is like barging against locked doors. The thought of escape though cowardly, is very seductive. This is a silly thought of course. How can a person escape himself?

...being locked up by one's own limitations and doubts...it's the worst situation one can ever find himself in...

hay, lucas...galing!

lucas said...

acrylique: thanks for the compliment, amigo.

rcyan: thanks, rcyan :)

zara: thanks, zara :)

rchard: wala pa akong nababasang zhuangzi but i like the quote. it could be interpreted in so many ways...

thanks.

shatts: thanks for the advice. the solution will not represent itself unless you take a step to look for it.

chyng: kulang na kulang nga ako sa tulog ehhh... T_T

RJ: yeah! i'm planning to watch it again in IMAX at North Edsa. but not with any girls but with my brother, aunt and cousin...

elay: master ron///? hehe! thanks :)

leslie:
i agree. confronting your own self and being defeated is very tough...

jei said...

I've read this post a coupe of times, 'di ko yata ma dig sa lalim ah. Hello Lucas!

jayvie said...

im not sure if my comment went through =(

lucas said...

jei: i apologize for being a little cryptic with it. it's intentional . hehe!

jayvie: oh, am sorry. i think it didn't get through..hehe!

jayvie said...

haha, i was saying.. try mo tylenol pm. makakatulog ka dun. kidding =)

Rcyan M. said...

hehehe. sanity trip ito.

hahaha! salamat sa pagbisita sa aking munting mundo.

pa-segue way lang po ha.

Kuya, pwede bang bumoto ka at mag-iwan ng komento sa site na ito?
Heheh... Patulong lang po. Desperado lang makakuha ng t-shirt ni kuya mon. Heheheh... Pasensya na po sa abala.


http://www.designbyhumans.com/vote/detail/58792?page=1

Pakilagay rin po na kaibigan po kayo ni Rcyan. Salamat po talaga ng marami. Pasensya na po uli sa abala.

Denis said...

I like how the author of this blog leaves post for days then suddenly come up with something new.


something really worth the wait.

jonathan said...

There would always be conflict and decision making, a war between comfort and hardship, but the direction to be taken seems always there.

I enjoy reading the entry because of its rich content and meanings. Keep it up!

Toilet Thoughts said...

I only need to suffer a few more hours before sunrise. I hope it comes soon before I run out of solid ground and fall completely --->

Parang vampire lang. hehe.

Man, if this was true, I felt the weight of the struggle. Parang pag decide kung kakain ka ng Ice cream na sobra sa calories at fats o kakain ka ng chichirya na sobra sa alat.

lucas said...

jv: sige matry nga yun! hehe! :P

rcyan: sige boto ako mamaya. ilang beses ba pedeng bumoto?

denis: nako draft lang yun from my hard drive. i was lucky may natitira pa. hehehe!

jon: yeah. the path is there but sometimes the courage to take the step and to make the decision is the one missing...

jepoy: hahaha! that's a very cool way of looking at it, especially with the twilight hysteria in the air.. :P

moonsparks said...

sabi nga ni joseph conrad: “Facing it, always facing it, that's the way to get through. Face it.”

kaya mo yan. :)

lucas said...

moonsparks: I very much agree. There's no easy way. And confronting what's ahead is the best thing to do...no looking back whatsoever...

jasonhamster said...

the pain.
its travelling across
my nerves. At this instnance my
mind is rumbling gerunds that
may possibly attack any moment.
AHhhhh..
I want to nurture this moment
with capital realizations.
I will not let any disruptions.
Let me do what i want to do

leslie said...

teyngks sa comment...i'll post something inspired by it :D

Angelo said...

Dude, you need to take an ambien... hehe just kidding, say NO to drugs.

I hope that you will find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in the pre-twilight.... fighting with myself has been a favourite passtime of mine for some time. All I can say is that you will never run out of solid ground if you keep your feet firmly planted, even if you are already teetering over that precipice. Grow roots from your soles if you have to, or just turn around and let that edge taste your heels. There are angels around you who will help you keep your balance and keep you from falling.... they'll catch you too if you insist on going over the edge. I hope you'll recognize those angels when they come along.

take care bro.

The Lady in Green Ruffles said...

galing!

lucas said...

leslie: hays... i sooooooooooooo love this line! just perfect :)

[it could be hidden somewhere in one's entirety. but the biggest miracle would be when another soul sets it free...]

angelo: you have no idea how i found your words comforting... and really inspiring...

i'm praying that the angels would fly by my window tonight :)

thanks, mate.

green ruffles: thanks po :)

The Lady in Green Ruffles said...

i like the style of your writing...actually, i am thinking and i am recommending you to write a book..that would be a lot more intresting!

leslie said...

thanks, once again, for appreciating :D

The Lady in Green Ruffles said...

i must say, or i think the right word would be recommend or suggest that you righ a book. You has a good sense of writing..Nice style..It made me think deep..

Richard the Lionheart said...

Hello friend! Hows the Poet Nurse? hehe!


I am back... Musta naman ang buhay? Hehe :)

mark said...

huhuuh!,,,
DumuDuGo na ata iloNg ko...

So deep!
hayaah Moh..

nXt time visit ko Dito..
ill Try to read it again...baka maliwanagan...
wahah!

was here..

tinay said...

you leave me mourning somewhere. a mourning that calms.

The Lady in Green Ruffles said...

padaan ulit!

Rhaingel said...

WOW! Ang ganda! :D