You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


7.7.09

resting place


IT IS WHEN I SEE YOU that I can freely breathe, inhaling gusts of wind that replenishes whatever part of me that decays. But it is when you’re away from my sight that the same wind is sucked away from my struggling lungs. Just like tonight, and what it will be like tomorrow, and the night after this. I have to gasp because I want to know how this ordeal will end. I know when the end comes; you’ll not be here with me holding my hand. I can’t fully fathom the thought but it’s a truth that I’m trying to learn and to accept. I want to know the greater purpose for this loss; the grand plan behind your permanent absence, from me and from this world.

What measure of time will it take to escape the agony brought by grief and sadness? Will absolute healing come hand-in-hand with acceptance? These questions reels in my head in every moment I succumb into that pure solitude, looking deep into the sharp eyes of melancholy, trying not to flinch against the pain nor blink in the overwhelming darkness in front of me. Stifling a moan and faking a smile are some of the skills that I have yet to master. But what’s the point of doing so? I can be calm as the deepest ocean on the outside, but my insides is harboring a gathering storm, so destructive that I am surprised that my heart can still have the strength to beat, expelling blood through veins. And because I thought it had already shut down, the same moment yours had stopped, never to beat again.

I’m here, standing once again on the ground of your final resting place—that will become mine too when my life finally ends one day. I can’t wait for that day to come, not because I want to die, but the thought of embracing death is very seductive thinking it’s the only way to linger in your presence once more. I know you’d want me to walk the face of this earth for as long as I can, and to find my purpose besides the purpose of loving you for the rest of my life. For this, I’ll continue to walk for you, and breathe for you, and live—looking upon those memories; vivid images that inspires and crushes me at the same time.

The drizzle softened the grassy earth beneath me, falling and gliding like stardust in the yielding evening air. I am holding a bouquet of white calla lilies you loved so much, scalding my hand in a desperate hoping that it is your hand in mine instead. My eyes burn in my losing fight against the inevitable stream of tears. I called out your name in the wind, breathing it in; breathing what was left of your existence lost in the even flow of soft moist air. My eyes gaze upon the blurring lights of the stars and to the wet granite carved with your beautiful name. I whispered the name as my voice trembled, broken and stained with longing and powerlessness. The resonance of the words felt painful on my throat and tasted bitter on my tongue. My body shook and my knees buckled, landing on the moist ground. I let the tears fall—crystal droplets silently hidden in the darkness, drunk by the ground that covered your bones, and obscured by towering tombstones of the dead. You are now one of them, hence, these death-scented lilies. I will receive this kind of flowers someday when I become the ash that will hover above you-- my true resting place.

I will be forever thankful for the love that had awakened my heart but unfortunately, had stopped yours.






29 comments:

ShatterShards said...

Welcome back!

ShatterShards said...

Will absolute healing come hand-in-hand with acceptance? Unfortunately it doesn't, and time isn't also a guarantee that the grief will fade into nothingness. There are wounds that are cut too deep and are unhealing, and we just have to deal with it and try not to be consumed by it.

ZARA 札拉 said...

Owh..that's really lovely..=)

Denis said...

now, where do all these come from?

RJ said...

REQUEST: Sana next post ay ma-expound ang final paragraph. Salamat.

...as it is always expected, well-written piece!

Roneiluke, you really have this extraordinary power to transmit your feelings and thoughts to your readers through the sincerity of your well-chosen words! I won't be surprised to see your name printed on the cover of a book in the shelves of National Bookstore, Powerbooks, Goodwill, Dymocks and Angus & Robertsons someday.

Good luck & God bless!

i'm a narnian said...

this pulled a heartstring.

jayvie said...

you sound like florentino ariza from the book, Love in the Time of Cholera.

galeeeeng mo talaga sumulat =)

REDLAN said...

assignment ko naman 'to mamayang gabi

RJ said...

Final sentence ang ibig kong sabihin. Huh!

Lance said...

she must have donated her own heart for you.. touching.. lolz

great piece Ron.. and yes, welcome back to me..

were you absent from blogging lately too? how come the first comment says welcome back..heheheh

---
ako nga at first parang natatakot mag play mag isa ng left 4 dead kasi creepy talaga xa at exciting pero ngayon na eenjoy ko na.. yung mga cousins ko na highskul natatakot din so nanonood lang sila while i play..hahahah

Angelo said...

I'm glad I saw that this is categorized as fiction, because that would be a horrible thing to experience. I can't even bear to think about losing my beloved Nermal let alone the love of my life... actually Nermal is the love of my life right now hehe....

My Soulmate tells me that I'm a tortured soul. She says that I seek trouble in my relationships because it brings out my creative side. I sense from your writing that you too are a tortured soul. Even when the experience is not your own, you are able to capture the tone and feel of it in verse or prose. Not to psychoanalyze again, but what is the source of your torture/inspiration? No matter, the greatest creative geniuses in history have been tortured souls, so just keep up the great writing. Just don't cut off your ear in the process hehe....

Theo Martin said...

PWEDENG MAGREQUEST?

pwdeng maging bading ka na lang at mahalin ng puso mo ako?!?

HAHAHHAHA! putang-ina, nakakabakla ka! (ay, wait, bakla na nga pala!) hahaha! :) Galing as always.

ordinary_guy1234 said...

another work of art. what's new. hehehe. galing

Chyng said...

REQUEST: Sana next post ay ma-expound ang final paragraph. Salamat.
^
Agree, na-bother din ako eh.

Bakit di kna madalas magblog?

ShatterShards said...

I'm re-reading this entry, and it still bothers me. Stories upon stories of what might have happened presents itself to me, but I can't find the words to piece it up yet. Maybe in time, I'll get to it.

----
Yung younger sister ko ang kumuha, pero di niya ako binibigyan ng concrete reason kung bakit niya ginawa. Anyways, the important thing is I recovered my book. hehe

Okay si Lynne Thruss! You should check out her bestseller: Eats, Shoots and Leaves (with a Panda on the cover), it's hilarious! It's a book about punctuation, pero the way she relayed her ideas was REALLY funny.

.pOot! said...

tsk. tsk. that's sad!

jonathan said...

The agony of losing but the promise of peace both for the the living and the departed. It could be a dedication to a family member or a beloved friend. Losing entails sadness but the fact that you experienced how to love and share your love gives meaning to your existence.

Splendid writing!

dylan dimaubusan said...

hardcore emo is back.

hehe.. wag ka lang masyadong madala ng mga compositions mo ha..

ShatterShards said...

True, ang daming magagaling na writers around. My inferiority complex is a given, I envy a lot of people. But I do get to learn from these people. :-)

---
Those with tortured souls make the greatest art, but they are also prone to burning out before their time. Take care to find a healthy equilibrium, Ron, I don't wanna write obituaries in the near future. haha! :-p

jasonhamster said...

i can possibly say that
the courage that i might be stacking inside my leathery armor could be outnumbered by this fearful setting.

Ahhhh!!!!! i dont want to think about it!!!

jei said...

I hate it when love ceases because of death. Again, nicely written. The emo is finally back, huh?

Rcyan M. said...

Hey... Did you have the same experience as mine? Did you also lose an essential part like me?

KRIS JASPER said...

"The drizzle softened the grassy earth beneath me, falling and gliding like stardust in the yielding evening air"

Those words are like chocolates... sweet and smooth.

Hey Ron! Nice to see you being active again.

ADRIAN said...

The language of this blog is tempting! Is it truly a master's work?

Roland said...

i will be forever thankful for the love that had awakened my heart but unfortunately, had stopped yours.

... so sad T_T

leslie said...

one of the best...one the many that really hit a nerve...how can someone possibly like you exist?

ang ibig ko lang sabihin you're too great to be just somebody...

lucas said...

Thanks you guys, really. I'm sorry if i wasn't able to give decent replies to your comments...

I really appreciate it :) Blessed be!

leslie said...

my fave lines:
IT IS WHEN I SEE YOU that I can freely breathe, inhaling gusts of wind that replenishes whatever part of me that decays. But it is when you’re away from my sight that the same wind is sucked away from my struggling lungs.

who can say it best but you, ron :D

lucas said...

thanks so much les :) i really appreciate it. i'll drop by later, ayt?