You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...

-Walt Whitman



THE LAST TWO MONTHS have been probably the most trying times of my life so far. I have been testing my physical limits while witnessing my emotions fester. Placing sadness and despair into hidden compartments within me while brawling with physical exhaustion was indeed hard. But surprisingly enough, I have seen myself rising up to the challenge settled on my shoulders. I haven’t cried a single tear which could only mean two things—that I’m strong and maturing or that I am emotionally sick, stepping beyond the lines into a state of frigidity.

When your plate is filled even with stale food, it’s very easy to forget everything else. Time. Friends. Yourself. You live by the moment, with no thoughts for the future because if you think about what’s ahead and not see an end, the ounce of drive that keeps you going will just vanish. And whatever that is, you have to kindle it like an invisible flame illuminating the darkness in your heart.

I have been struggling to understand the proverb—Everything happens for a reason. And I think God wanted me to fully fathom this in a way I am hesitant to accept. Soon after my Lolo Philip recovered from his respiratory ailment, a series of unfortunate events unfolded. It was then that My Lola Nelia suffered from a cerebral infarct—stroke. And since then I have been seeing death eye-to-eye and neither of us wanted to blink. But he knows I am growing weary, and tired, and I sometimes feel that my heart is going to give in to the pressure, to the lack of sleep, to everything. His stench never left my nostrils and how I wish I could sneeze him out of my system.

My world has been in chaos and the circumstances are taking their toll on our family but I can’t afford to break down and give up. I am clinging to the hope that there is still so much to live for in spite of everything. After a month and a week (and counting), after two cardiac standstills, two surgeries, being tended by twelve doctors, a gazillion medications, a thousand needle injections (and counting) and she’s still here. We’re still here inside this hospital room, breathing the same sterile and forbidding air. But the fact that we are still able to breath in air into our lungs is a realization that we’re still alive.

There is very long road ahead and I have to muster all my strength to wade it even though I am not sure if there’s a good ending to it. Fear licks my heart and the feeling of inadequacy is always on my doorstep. But I think the lesson here is to learn how to keep those things at bay. There are so many ways to endure in the middle of an ill-fated reality, and sometimes it just includes closing a door to everything that will feed the gathering clouds of despair and hopelessness.

I think God wants me to appreciate all the good things when the world seems to crumble down before my eyes. He wants to teach me that hope can be found even in the smallest of things; that it can be in a form of a good urine output, or well coughed-out sputum; a spontaneous eye-opening, a contorted smile or simply a beating heart. God is training me, and disciplining me, because he loves me. He is bigger than I am and I couldn’t help but wonder what plans He had set for me. And I think, to see the end, I have to brave the troubled waters and traverse the ominous paths. I have to walk on, in the hope that a beautiful journey awaits…


ShatterShards said...

Challenges are presented to us to test our breaking point. It is one's character that determines whether you would be at par with the challenge or tip to oblivion.

Hang in there. You can master this dillema.

Lance said...

yey! First! ehehe

Sigh. This past weeks were also the most struggling times for our family actually. My facebook friends know that because I do update there regularly. It was the most unexpected thing that shocked the family and even relatives. I wanted to share it in my blog pero I think it's something really personal and doing so would not anymore show respect the concerned person.
Pero, Ron, just like you, I really tried my best not to tumble and fall. These are just test and trials and yes, God won't give us something he knows we won't be able to endure. Just keep the faith mate, everything's going to be alright.

Anonymous said...

a beautiful journey indeed awaits those people who put their trust in Him.

hold on, pareng ron. when God leads you to the end of the cliff, trust HIM fully and let go because only two things may happen:

either He'll catch you when you fall or He'll teach you how to fly. :p

Chyng said...

Amen to that!
The world will continue so might as move along too. When I also got sick, inisip kong ako ang pinili ng Diyos para sa sakit na yun. And it's ok, kesa yung mga walang mag-aalaga/pambili ng gamot ang magkasakit. ;D

Goodluck and Pray!

Theo Martin said...

Hi! I didn't know that you were experiences some serious family concerns. I really do hope everything will turn out right.

I so envy you and your devotion to your family. Magaling ka nga magmahal. :)

ELAY said...

"God is training me, and disciplining me, because he loves me."

AMEN... our sufferings are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to us in the end. I've experienced those situations where God teaches me to appreciate even the smallest and unnoticed things like bread in the table, a small amount in my pocket etc.


wanderingcommuter said...

I haven’t cried a single tear which could only mean two things—that I’m strong and maturing or that I am emotionally sick, stepping beyond the lines into a state of frigidity.

we happen to have the same dilemna...

i feel this post.

lucas said...

shatts: yeah i know i can... but still a battle is waging in my mind that i can't. Thanks shatts.

i wish you well and your family. we'll endure and get through all these... God bless you, mate.

lucas said...

flamindevil: tama ka... but sometimes when our faiths are tested, we tend to go weary and afraid to completely trust in something our eyes couldn't see...

Chyng: yeah. God ordains everything for our own good. Hindi man natin marealize sa ngayon kung ano yun, time will come that God will reveal them to us...

God bless.

theo: [Magaling ka nga magmahal. :)]

hahaha! ewan ko lang.. walang gustong magkamali na magmahal sa akin eh.. :P

elay: [our sufferings are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed to us in the end.]

nakakaexcite noh? God really works in the most mysterious ways, sometimes so subtle we barely feel it because we are too preoccupied with other things.

ewik: i wish there's a definitive way to determine which is which...

ELAY said...

ur right minsan tlga preoccupied lang ang isang tao. tipong they fix their eyes on the situations rather than realizing that we have a Big God who is oh so bigger than our problems.

jonathan said...

Prayers for you, be strong, take care and God bless! We all experience them, and you find ways to make yourself stronger.

lucas said...

jon: [Life is sweet but so dictates
Some things may seem so harsh
Embrace, believe, make mistakes
Hold, fight, immunity to crash.]

i'll take this to help me get through my dilemmas i'm enduring lately.

thanks for your words of encouragement.

elay: naalala ko tuloy yung kantang 'Big Enough' Alam mo ba yun?

it goes:

God if you;re there
i wish you'd show me
and God if you care
then I need you to know me
I hope you don't mind me asking the question
But I figured you're big enough
I figured you're big enough.

Anonymous said...

Yes, everything happens for a reason. This is one proverb I'd like to keep. I am actually keeping it since I've read and heard it.

Sometimes, struggling times can actually be a blessing. It's up to you.

take care and best wishes for you.
God bless your grandlolo and lola and the rest of your family!

There must be some reason behind all of it.. Just observe how God is moving into your life..

God bless!
Cheers mate!

Anonymous said...

everything, indeed, happens for a reason..God is still in control, right? Try reading the Psalm 23.. ^.^

lucas said...

thanks dylan :) i bet there is.

pugadmaya: you're right. i should read the Bible right now :)

jei said...

Have faith and keep strong...that's the only thing that matters now. Good luck Ron and I do hope that whatever happens, you won't give up.

eli said...

hi ron,

you never fail to touch my emotions everytime i read your post.
tulad mo, i am trying to conquer every trials and now i am facing another chapter of life...another level of challenges..(emo)

i really miss your writings.

jamadi9 said...

hi, ron...been seeing "Joe Black" for the past year at our very own home...even now as i leave this comment. i must admit, it indeed is a challenge--especially when it collides with the other dimensions of our life. but, i KNOW you'll make it. ;)

Everything indeed happens for a reason...

thing is, i don't think we'll ever get to know (in this lifetime, at least) His exact reasons for allowing certain events to happen...but believing that everything happens for a reason--for His good reasons, to be precise--makes all the much-needed difference...

believing is what gives us the strength to smile--or force a smile --even when it hurts at the end of each day...

believing is Faith.

GodBlessYaMuchRON! :)

Anonymous said...

siguro ah,,

si God talaga ang nakakaalam
kung anong makabubuti saayo dahil sa mga pagsubok na yan..

siguro ah,,

magnilaynilay ka muna at magmunimuni at mag backtrack
sa mga nangyayari.

REDLAN said...

As usual, I printed this post and read it as my bedtime story. I can relate in the first paragraph and I like the last paragraph most. You said it all. Hope your grandma get well soon. I pray her recovery. Kaya mo yan. Just bring strong.


Congarats on being strong. Dont let the intensity of the moment pull you off. :)

Anonymous said...

dumaan ulit para magbigay support..

hope you're ok parekoy. :p

Allen Yuarata said...

You never know what's out there so keep a tight grip on Him.

Sabi nga ni Arnold Schwarzenegger:

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”


Anonymous said...

hang in there. no matter how dark the night becomes, the dawn always comes after. you just have to keep the faith. i also went through these trials and it lasted for two years. my mom got sick and i had to work abroad. all the while, my father went womanizing and eventually left my bedridden mom. she died last year but my troubles didn't stop because the cousin who was left in our house got hooked on drugs. i had to return home because he was using the house for their pot sessions. i eventually got rid of him just this april and now am picking up the pieces...i remember attending my first mass sa quiapo after my return to the country. i almost fell on my knees and cried in front of all those other people because of what i went through. but it was all in thanksgiving for having made it through all that had happened. He never let me down and am sure He'll do the same for you. =)

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

Ganyan talaga ang buhay.. Parang life,....

Nurse ka rin kaya alam mo yan na sangkap na iyan ng buhay...

Just always pray... :)

kalansaycollector said...

magtiwala ka na may bukas pa. hehe.

seriously malakas ang kapangyarihan ng dasal. pero kung naiiyak ka iiyak mo lang. masarap ang pakiramdam pagkatapos.

*hugs* ;)

Anonymous said...

Everything is gonna be all right.^^v


It's maybe a cliche but yeah, there's a reason for everything. Sometimes, unfortunately, we only notice the negative aspects of life and we ignore those small things that we should still be thankful for.

Hold On Ron. Ur a nurse. Ur a survivor.

Anonymous said...

The last part of the post is truly a mind opener. A reminder not only to you but to all of us..

Cheers Ron!
There might be unexpected circumstances, but God has perfect plans.

Ecc. 3:11.

tinay said...

this is another reminder of the healing might of writing. don't give up on it ron. don't give up on L I F E. :)