You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


3.8.09

a waste of words


SOMETIMES AT NIGHT, while waiting for that weight on my eyes that usually tells me that I need to sleep or cry, I try to deconstruct and make sense of the complicated emotions I feel. And in every attempt to find answers, I always end up disappointing myself, for the answers I come up with don’t satisfy me. I came to a conclusion that there is a flaw in the way I do it, resulting to my futile attempts—I tend to reason out using solely my intellect and forgetting to reason out with my heart. I also think I knew why this is so. I don’t trust my heart anymore.

She and I, after all that had happened between us, were able to keep our friendship. I think it is safe to assume that we’re friends right now. I am so grateful for it but it’s not as easy as I have expected. It’s quite hard actually. I wish for us to be friends but I am not sure if I could act like one or be one.

For the past few days, we were exchanging messages; casual talks, which in my part, I find painfully platonic. I woke up this morning, with a smile upon reading her message that simply said “Good morning, Ron”. My mind tells me it’s just the kind of message a friend would give to another but my heart forces me to find meaning beyond its simplicity. Whenever I send her a message I make sure that each is free from anything that could indicate that I am crossing the line. Reason tells me that it is just fair for her part. But my heart silently hopes that by some miracle, my true feelings, whatever they maybe would come across and kindle her heart. The ironic part is…it feels unfair. Not fair for her.

People should be friends first before becoming lovers. But sadly for most people, it’s the other way around, which is why when the relationship breaks, it’s almost impossible to keep the friendship. In my mind there is this intimidating and beautiful image of her. We never committed ourselves into a formal relationship but in the strangest way, it feels like I had broken up with someone. I am struggling to move on in a way that’s quite frightening. She has stolen my heart many years ago, and I refuse to get it back. I am lacking the courage to let go for she will always have that secret place in me, so familiar and comforting, that I’d want to let it linger for as long as I can.

It was one sunny afternoon. A day when all the paths we took together led to two more.

“Why give them back?” I asked. I made it sound so casual, carefully concealing the pain eager to break my voice.

“I have to.” She whispered with her head on a bow. “Because every time I see them and look at you, I see the person who wrote them. I want that someday, I would look at you and see a friend. Nothing more.”

“But why? Don’t you believe that what we had was real? They were real. My feelings for you were real.” I pleaded. In the back of my head I was praying that she would have a change of heart and decide to carry them back home with her.

“Returning these letters and books to you, doesn’t mean I don’t. Because I do.” She firmly said with conviction in her eyes. She handed them all to me, imagining it was her heart in my hands.

I couldn’t quit her. I need her or at least that version of her in my head or in my heart or wherever. It may sound weird, but the thought of her stirs me to the right path. And her memory encourages me to have faith in my heart and to find the right place to where it should be.

It was one sunny afternoon. A day when all the paths we took together led to two more. And we took them separately, wondering if there’s another crossroad ahead.











. . .

This entry was written barely a year ago and I never had the chance or should I say, I never had the heart to post this until now. A lot of things have changed in such measure of time, including the feelings used to forge these words. We saw each other before a crossroads once again, seeing for the first time how time changed us, puzzled faces reflected in each other’s eyes.

36 comments:

ShatterShards said...

Being able to post this now, I think you have moved on, after a fashion. Sometimes it is inevitable for love to fade, and with one more quickly than the other. And much like other forms of energy -- for love, indeed is a form of energy -- love can evolve. Yours evolved into friendship. Not all people are fortunate enough to have that after a relationship has shattered, and in that, at least, you should be thankful.

PUSANG-gala said...

""My mind tells me it’s just the kind of message a friend would give to another but my heart forces me to find meaning beyond its simplicity."--wag kasing malisyoso mate-kidding.

It's just really hard especially if you had a lot of history together. hay. love, life, complications.....

Chyng said...

Just curious, do you really became good friends now? (the girl is not Hailey correct?)

ELAY said...

aray.. sobrang naexperience ko na toh (at my very young age) naks I have written several stories about ganitong relationships narin. Siguro like what shatter said nakamove on ka na kasi mejo matagal tagal na rin toh. Mula dun sa intro mo na "weight in my eyes blah blah" hanggang sa huling part na "forge these words" grabe lupet tlga. Nagiging geeky nanaman ako sulet ang pagbabasa ng mahabang post. n____n master hehehe

richarddiongson.com said...

nakakarelate ako ah.. best of luck! hehe

.pOot! said...

are you still friends?

jonathan said...

When both of you decided to end your love relationship, she was ready to do it by giving away things that will remind her of your love to her. She is moving on. Sad to say, things end.

Let the memories give you a-flutter but never make them boulders to carry. The best thing, we experienced love.

jayvie said...

si poknat?
hehe. anyway... the fact na friends kayo, it's one good thing/sign..Ü

Theo Martin said...

Thank you. :)

haleyjames said...

luke,Ü

..i'm still rooting for the two of you. i know it's unbearably cheesy, hehe, but you guys are meant for each other right from the very beginning.

..someday, you'll both find your way back home.

..but, whatever the ending is, i'll always be here.Ü

..damn, i miss you.

Angelo said...

It's funny how time can change things huh? I'm glad you finally feel okay about publishing these words... I guess it means you're moving on. I have a feeling you haven't moved on completely though.

I thought that "time heals all wounds" but for me, 6 years have passed since I reached my own fork in the road. She never gave me back my letters, and I kept hers. I only destroyed them all recently because of a new selosa gf, but maybe we should have exchanged everything before we went our separate ways for better closure? She still haunts me today, especially when I find old letters, poems, songs from her tucked away in old books that I had forgetten about. Maybe when we reach a crossroads, I can have my final closure.... I hope! I'm planning to force a crossroads one day when the dust around my life settles.... it's for my own sanity.

I wish you well bro, those kinds of girls can make a man go nuts... I'm glad you channel that energy towards your writing though.

cheers.

jei said...

That's the reason why I can't really imagine being friends with your ex-lover. Until now, I still think that's not possible. Even if you started the best of friends then you became lovers and you broke up, the friendship after that would never be the same.

Tell me Ron (your name's Ron, right?), naging posible ba yun sa inyo ng girl na 'to?

ACRYLIQUE said...

I wanna quote Spongebob Squarepants:

"Everything will be ok in the end. If aint ok, it aint the end."

richarddiongson.com said...

off topic:

thanks bro.. i really appreciate it..

it's not the end of the world.

:-(

lucas said...

shatts: […love is a form of enegy.] I’m liking it! Hehe! Indeed love, friendship is a form of enegy that becomes a source of strength to anyone who can harness it. I’m fortunate… and blessed.

antonio: tama ka, mate! Haha! Maxado lang akong assuming masyado! Hahaha!

chyng: Yeah, we are. But I admit I still feel awkward whenever she’s around. Can’t stop the skip beats. Hehe! And no. she’s not Haley James. Our relationship is totally platonic (for now?) hahaha!

elay: at least naexperience mo at a very young age. Not everyone is lucky enough. Hehe! Thanks. And I’m still not used to the “Master” thing. Hehe!

richard: Salamat, Chard!

poot: We’re still friends 

jon: Yeah. I always knew she has the stronger heart. And I admire her for that.

jv: yeah. I just so glad that afterall that has happened, I can still have her in my life. And yes, it’s always a good thing to keep a friend as special as her.

angelo: [I have a feeling you haven't moved on completely though.]… I feel the same way too. Hays… I have an inkling it will stay for awhile. There are just some dead things that refuse to get buried

Selosa pala si GF. Tsk. Hehe! For now I can’t dispose all her memories (letters and all) and I don’t think I will. 6 years is a very long time… but I guess kailangan mo talaga ng closure.
I wish you well too, bro. There are still positive points when things end. It all depends on how you’d look at it.


theo: you're welcome :)

hales: you really think so??? Well don’t keep your hopes up. Hehe!
I really miss you hales. And I feel like I am missing so many things already. T_T

jei: like I said, we’re friends but it’s really tough. I can’t seem to shake off that strange awkward emotion. I talked to her about it and she said we need to work things out. Things are much better now.

acrlique: Thanks for that very enlightening quote  Are you a painter of something? I paint or I used to paint, and acrylic is my fave medium. 

Fjordan Allego said...

kaya minsan natatakot akong magbasa ng mga post mo, kasi kahit na pakiramdam ko, nakamove on na ako kahit isang step lang mula sa nararamdaman ko, kapag nagbabasa ako ng post mo, para akong ibinabalik ng mga paa ko sa pinanggalingan ko. Parang sinasariwa ng post mo yung emosyon na pinipilit kong takbuhan, kasi ayoko nang masaktan...

sa post na to, maswerte ka pa nga kasi nakakapagsend pa kayo ng text messages (kahit na matagal mo na pala itong post na ito) kumpara sa akin na kahit konting communication wala. Kahit na sobrang lapit lang namin sa isat isa.

Hayz! buhay nga naman.. gusto ko pa ring isiping darating din ang panahon na magkakasalubong kami ulit sa daan at muling magsasabay sa iisang daan..

lucas said...

chard: it's not... but the frustration will force you to believe that it is. just suck all the frustration. it's normal coz i know you worked hard on it. keep your head held high, mate. you've got nothing to be ashamed. you gave your best shot. and no one has the right to look down on you coz they're not you. they didn't experience all the struggles you've been through for the exam.

AJA!

leslie said...

i'm sorry, ron...wala talaga akong masabi, eh. ayoko nmng malungkot, ayoko din magsaya...sorry

patola said...

it is true that it's quite impossible to let the friendship stay after all the hurtings.. lucky for you because you still became fiends...

"my heart forces to find meaning beyond its simplicity"... you're still hoping from deep within.. that's just normal..

be happy for whatever relationship right now.. take it slow and maybe someday, in God's will, it's you and her together or maybe someone will come who'll let you feel an extraordinary love.. :)

lucas said...

fjords: i'm so sorry, mate. that just shows that my story doesn't stand alone. it reflects your story too... and like any story, they will end, and better brace yourself for what's ahead...malay mo, there's another crossroads for you two.

leslie: it's okay. :) there's nothing wrong with being neutral from time to time...

KRIS JASPER said...

U let go of a memory by sharing it to us.... That means u now feel emotionally and mentally stronger, perhaps maturing... Tumatanda ka na nga Ron.

:)

Seriously, that background song fitted so well with your diary/post.

The Lady in Green Ruffles said...

waah.sadness

havenlei said...

*lunok ng laway
(speechless)
*lunok uli

ordinary_guy1234 said...

kuya lucas. halata bang inlove? hehehe hndi nmn masyado. inspired lang. hehehe.

jasonhamster said...

i salute you for ano... teka..

ayos ka kasi nagawa o pa rin makipag kaibigan sa ex mo. mahirap yun at kaunti lang nakakagawa nun.
nandyan pa rin kasi ang pain at hatred.

Pero mahirap pa ring sagutin ang
"holding on or letting go?"

karmi said...

heartfelt. =) grabe, ibang klase ka talaga ron, you never fail to amaze me.. parang ako lang to noon.. and its good na finally naipost mo na rin =)

jasonhamster said...

parang di ko ata kaya na makpagkaibigan sa ex.

tulad ng nangyare saken,
kasi naaman baka araw araw pa
maalala ang nangyari sa nakaraan kung frends pa rin kami.

flamindevil said...

iloved the last paragraph.

isama mo na to.

'My mind tells me it’s just the kind of message a friend would give to another but my heart forces me to find meaning beyond its simplicity. '

-ganyan yata talaga.dati rin nng hindi pa ko nakakamove on,feeling ko lahat ng text ng ex ko may ibig sabihin.

i'm a masochist. gusto ko yung nasasaktan. in short, engot pagdating sa love.

wanderingcommuter said...

then perhaps hindi lahat ng bagay ay kailangan ng kasagutan... you just have to enjoy the moment with giving any reasons to it. then perhaps thats the only way for you to appreciate it.

gentle said...

ron, nakakasad ang post na to. well, all partings are sad. you managed to turn your feelings into beautiful but heartwrenching words for all of us to read. you'll be ok.. eventually.

RJ said...

Magta-type na sana ako ng comment ko nang bigla kong nasulyapan ang LABEL nitong post mo, Ron. 'Si Lenlen'.

Uhmn. Siya pala! Siya rin ba si Poknat? At siya rin kaya 'yong babae sa kwentong nakahiga sila sa damuhan, isang gabi, at biglang bumuhos ang ulan? o",)

Whew! Nakalimutan ko tuloy ang comment ko. Ano na nga ba 'yon?

Dori and Auj said...

as usual.. very nice!

visit my new blog at http://www.murmursinthenight.blogspot.com

-Auj :)

Dori and Auj said...

as usual.. very nice!

visit my new blog at http://www.murmursinthenight.blogspot.com

-Auj :)

lucas said...

Kris Jasper: Yeah. I’m turning 23 this year. Waaaa! Ang cool nung song noh? It’s Amie by Damien Rice.

Lady in Green Ruffles: I say, bittersweet :P

Havenlei: Kamusta naman ang swallowing reflex natin? Hehe! Thanks for dropping by.

Ordinary guy: take the advantage while the inspiration lasts… mahirap magkaroon ng writer’s block.

Jason: nako hindi ko nga xa ex. Hindi nga naging kami eh. Hehe! I think pareho. Kasi hindi ka naman bibitaw unless nakapagdecide ka na to let go.

Flamindevil: nako pareho tayo. Kahit sino naman yata. Unpredicatable kasi ang pag-ibig. Akala mo OK na, hindi pala…

Karmi: thanks :P nako isang factor kung kaya naipost ko na e wala n’kong maipost na iba. Hehe!

lucas said...

ewik: [enjoy the moment withou giving any reasons to it. then perhaps thats the only way for you to appreciate it.]

yeah... i'll try to do this. but it's quite hard given the complicated history.

gentle:

RJ: nako hindi...fictional characters lang si poknat at yung girl sa damuhan na yun. but anyways, she was the inspiration behind those posts... :)

gentle: I'm okay... thanks :)

dori and auj: i'll try sometime. thanks.

Reyn said...

Ron, I'm a bit damned I wasn't able to visit your blog often, but hopefully you understand.


How's everything? I still haven't found a job, but so far I'm enjoying my "tambay" state (irony).


Miss you, Ron. Sa text na lang tayo nagkakusap, paputol-putol pa. T_T