You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


18.9.09

forgotten


I HAD FORGOTTEN THE SCENT OF LOVE and its bittersweet taste on my tongue; the fluttering wings in my gut and the calming warmth I used to feel from an embrace or a kiss. I had cast away the elusive emotion in the deepest trenches of thought, oblivious of remembrance. Nothing remained but the faint traces it had left on my memory; embedded, echoing like a lost whisper in the air I wanted to inhale and exhale at the same time.

Once upon a time, I was struggling to forget but my heart just won’t let me. There are some things that are best left forgotten but the heart remembers things that the mind easily fails to remember. It was impervious to my will of purging my consciousness off of the repugnant memories, but most of all, the beautiful ones; that were reeling in my head on an endless loop, blinding and causing me unyielding pain.
Beautifully painful—it was irony in its cruelest form.

I couldn’t choose what my heart wanted to remember that is why I wanted to forget. Because whichever memory it had decided to keep in its beating chambers, the feeling had always been the same. Those fragments of fading thoughts became a part of my identity. I couldn’t deny nor lie about them. They constantly reminded me of what I had become and who I was. No wonder I wanted to lose myself. I was desperate to shake them away from me; those parts that were hurting so much. Before I knew it, the hurts had already transformed my face—severely scarred and wrinkled to the point that I couldn’t recognize myself anymore.

But time happened and I had succeeded. I had forgotten. Nothing was left except for the fading shadow of a love that used to light up my grey skies; forged by my imagination in an attempt to bring back the sensation to love and feel love. I guess I was just starting to learn that it’s better to hurt than not to feel at all. But now as I lay in silence, witnessing the creeping daylight wash over the absolute shade of the night, and with my hand upon my heart, I am once again reminded and I remembered. I braced myself but surprisingly enough, there is no pain. Wide eyed, I have come to learn—it doesn’t hurt anymore. It feels like letting go. But how I wish there’s a way to know for sure.












17 comments:

REDLAN said...

I need to print this out and will be my weekend story to read. I'll be back for the formal comment here. Happy weekend Ron

jonathan said...

It had not been forgotten but once you write them, you will as writing is one form of letting go. Though the words will be there for you to read again and again, it would not be the same as before. It is sure good to be able to feel, rather than not feel anything at all.

pie said...

there is a way alright.. and that is if you could look straight into the person's eyes and not feel the hurt anymore. if you could embrace the person and feel you've just embraced a long lost friend.

fufu said...

i always enjoy reading your entry!! but well... i agree that we shall try anything and at the same time...try not to let ourselves hurt that serious ok?

Chyng said...

I was very disappointed with Haley James Scott!

Sorry out of topic!

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

Well, still... Idol pa rin kita sa pagsusulat....

Forgotten... Maybe... Pero kung may isang bagay ka na nagawa for him/her na kahit kailan ay hindi pwedeng malimutan... Baka hindi forgotten.. Unforgettable...

Haha!


Wala lang.... Masyadong serious... Hindi ako sanay....

Catch said...

time heals all wounds. thru time, your mind will govern your heart and by then you shall live free from setbacks. nice post.

RJ said...

Tagos! Huh, napakatalim ng mga salita. Magaling, Roneiluke! You are, indeed, a master of Literary Cardiology!

I think Grey (Anatomy) and Guyton (Physiology) should consider this blog entry in the next edition of their book.

PUSANG-gala said...

no matter how painful our experiences in the past may be about love I think we should not shut ourselves out from the emotion---never be a stranger to love or else it will shy away from us.

flamindevil said...

another sappy but excellent post pareng ron.

the way you write reminds me of how lei writes. you are both very good with words.

i envy you.dang. :p

Fjordan Allego said...

gusto ko yung last line mo. Parang yung pinagdaraanan ko lang hehehe..

akala ko kasi, all these times, okay na ako. pero hindi pa pala. Nahihirapan pa rin akong magmove on. Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan ko sa YFC, baka hindi ko pa raw kasi napapatwad yung sarili ko kaya hindi ako makaalis-alis sa anino ng kahapon. Kung sa bagay, may punto siya. Parati ko kasing sinisisi yung sarili ko sa mga nangyari. Kaya maaring hindi ko pa nga talaga napapatawad yung sarili ko.

ACRYLIQUE said...

Once you're forgotten, you seize to exist. :(
Mahirap pala mag-isa. :(

ordinary_guy1234 said...

wow kuya lucas galing tlaga sumulat. lei nga pla toh. lumipat ako wordpress

tomato cafe said...

"I was desperate to shake them away from me; those parts that were hurting so much."

This is all too familiar. Funny thing is, I don't exactly know how I managed to shake those rotten parts off.

Haha. good post. :) cheers

eliment said...

lumalabas ang pagka-emosyonal ko kapag binabasa ko ang mga sinusulat mo ron.

its not easy to forgive and forget..allow the time to do it.

REDLAN said...

Ganun rin ang nangyari sa akin. Masakit, mahirap at matagal nakapag move on pero once na ma overcome mo na ang situation lalo na ang feelings, lahat magaan na. Buti nakapag move on ka na. Alaala na lang nag natira

Knoxxy said...

Very true! Nice composition.