You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


15.7.08

here comes the day of reckoning

FIVE DAYS TO GO till the most feared and anticipated day of the year, at least for those who took ‘the’ board exams last june. as a bachelor degree holder in nursing, i took up the licensure examinations last june 1 and 2 in tup, manila. and now the wait is ending the way i never expected it to. . .july 20, Sunday…interesting weekend…

the clock is ticking…counting down….the anxiety levels are shooting up. . .’everybody’ is thinking of the best way to know whether he or she passed the grueling two days of examinations. and i still can’t believe it’s really this soon…because I thought it wouldn’t be released until late august or early September this year. excitement could be felt anywhere…a nervous excitement. confusing really, because almost everyone is confused of how will they face that day where a lot will be decided. the sacrifices, the sleepless nights, the personal struggles, dreams—a lot is at stake, and it will unfold in five days time…it’s an inevitable moment. the moment of truth. even me, i couldn’t fathom of how the day will unfold for me. actually there is a part of me that is scared. afraid. somehow i feel that it is best for my ego not to know. i recalled the saying, ‘what you don’t know couldn’t hurt you.’ quite true. but not this time.

i have to know. it’s just plain stupid not to know. I can’t hover and do nothing. perhaps i’m just so anxious and scared for what the results will have for me. if i didn’t pass, i’ll be disappointed, of course, perhaps, depressed, but i’ll have to try and pass it again, right? that would mean sleepless nights again, drowning myself into piles and piles of medical books (thick as they could possibly be), lecture photocopies (some already unreadable and some with sick on them), charts (duh?), audio q&a (not the monotonous voice again!?) and strong coffee (the best part of it all) to make sure i wont sleep and slob around. if i pass, then, that would mean i’m gonna be working. period. i can’t stay at home any longer. i feel like i’m going nuts already. if i pass, i’ll have to set aside my plans to work, in call and tutorial centers. goodbye, easy money. (hehe!). what i mean by this, is that the board results this coming sunday would be a turning point of what the rest of the year will be for me, and i speak also for those who have the same sentiment. (hays)

i could now feel the anticipation. it’s really strange that no one speaks about it. seems everyone had gone into radio silence perhaps in a desperate attempt to alleviate their personal anxieties. not talking about it seems the most convenient way to do so, just like refraining from talking about your ex-girlfriend after a really bad break-up. i don’t even want to talk about it at all…i mean verbally…because it would make everything real. am i making sense? for me, i’m just going to enjoy the remaining days and let the time pass…and let it be. but in the back of mind, questions are reeling…will i choose to know by looking into the morning’s broadsheet? or just use the internet? or wait for a few days? (right. this is a stupid option) but one thing is for sure. i’ll have to turn my cellphone off when the day of reckoning comes. i wouldn’t let anyone send me messages telling me i passed or worse, i failed. i have to know it on my own, in my own terms, in the right time, meaning when i am ready to fail. (hays) i just can’t be optimistic right now. i am a pessimist, i know that. and people points this out a lot…one reason the results day pressures me somehow, altogether, with all the pressure in my life right now…

i am really pressured right now primarily of what people will say if i fail the examinations. i know it’s wrong to think that way. a lot would say i did my best and that i shouldn’t think about other people, but people and circumstances gets to me very easily. i was a student achiever in my school, because i was top of my class, and of my batch. i graduated with flying colors, and i have very proud friends and families. i would be really heart-breaking to disappoint those people that matters to you, who counts on you to pass, who thinks you’re almost ‘invincible’. but i am not. i couldn’t understand why it is so hard for people to see that…to see through me…that beyond the façade is a struggling being. ordinary. Just ron. i have a constant feeling of mediocrity and inadequacy, and i think those are the things that pull me down. i guess it’s all in the mind. i still surprise myself sometimes for even though i have negative feelings for what i do, i still stand out…i hope the same thing is applicable and would happen to the upcoming results day…i am anticipating to surprise myself…in the most positive way, i hope.

five days to go, and i hope there’s a way to escape the anxiety and all. but there is none. i guess i’ll have to face it, head raised, and proud…and i say this also for those who sacrificed a lot and for those who give everything they could to pass…to those who rose above themselves and gave their best shot…

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