You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


6.3.09

a pianist's monologue


IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS AGAIN. The kind of days when blinding daylight magnifies every shadow of an almost forgotten memory. And once again, I was helpless against your ghost that should’ve departed to the afterlife many moons ago. But still you managed to linger in the air I breathe, stuck to my lungs, exhaled through my skin. You just won’t let go.

I suddenly found myself sitting by my withered piano, a side of my face on the keys, while I lazily played a tune with one hand. It was our song. I remembered every note. It’s the meaning behind them that I couldn’t remember. It didn’t make sense anymore. No matter how beautifully the notes aligned themselves, and how perfectly I struck the keys, the outcome was nothing but noise; just a series of unintelligible constellation of sounds that screamed of despair and regret. It was once the most beautiful song, and now it’s like hearing fingernails wailing against a chalk board. And yet, the search for meaning beyond the sounds kept me going, hoping that if I found something that made sense, like happiness, then all the bitterness that was tormenting my spirit would fade just like how I vanished from your heart.

The sun was angry and my room was overflowing with its light, almost scalding me. The humid air invoked the sweat out of my pores, flowing like small salty rivers. I continued playing the song I once loved and now hated so much as blades of the fan whirred, sending dust and air that played with the locks of my hair, warming my face. But I couldn’t get myself to stop as tears ran away from these eyes that knew every inch of your face so well. Pain comes with every chord, penetrating knives sliding through me. But a couple more songs wouldn’t hurt as much as they did before.

I languidly continued to play the melancholic notes, hanging over me like falling flies desperate to fly. As the inferno within the four walls of my room consumed me I remembered you and your broken voice that broke my heart, hoping the noise I was making could obscure the endless echo in my head of the ugliest truth you spat on my face turning into a lasting ugly mask. Just a couple more songs and I will no longer wish the air kissing my face is not your lips but just air; cool and invigorating, the way it’s supposed to be and total opposite of your existence had caused my life.

The sun will set soon. And when the darkness takes over, every light will at last be amplified, along with silence, and hope that will struggle to kindle its own fire against the coldness of the night.




. . .

I woke up very late one day, the sun peeking through my window. The heat woke me up. And then this image of a man sitting by piano flashed in my head. The gears turned, reeling words in my head. It’s curious how inspiration hits you. It was very unpredictable. I tried to establish a contrast between light and dark. The room filled with daylight against the darkness the man was battling inside.

There are places in a man’s heart that even light couldn’t touch.

39 comments:

vanvan said...

wow. this again moved me..

ilang beses ko man sabihin ito, hindi ako magsasawa..iba ka..

meh pinaghuhugutan ka noh..

aheks..

ShatterShards said...

Loves this one! Made me grab a pen and scribble (so to speak).

The keys aligned, from black to white
as shadows and light play on
dreaming of her, radiant, bright
and this emptiness, now she's gone

These tunes of piercing, love-less pain
drives this beating husk crazy
nothing to haunt me in this den
but the shadow of your memory

Our song -- this tune of love and faith
now obscured like road on fog
erased everyting in my slate
but a pianist's monologue...

Still a work in progress, but it's a start.

ShatterShards said...

Well, I welcome all the distractions I can get these days. hehehe

Nice! Sunday it is! Will just wait for any of my friends to drag me along tomorrow... and hopefully, no more twilight zone incidents.

gravity said...

woah! i love how you amplified the contrast between light and darkness, and yet got more doomed with the former. the infernal sun, so merciless really had him/you hurting much eh?

it's really wonderful how a song becomes a piece of us, and how it could uplift or sometimes bring us down, especially when we associate a certain kind of emotion, or better yet a certain person to it.

lucas said...

van: ahehe! siguro... dati. i could relate to the guy. channeling past experiences to fiction does the trick, i think. hehe! salamat, van :

lucas said...

WOAH, dude! THAT WAS FAST! i'm impressed! you should make more of this. your poetry sums the essense of my prose...

i love this image btw:

"The keys aligned, from black to white
as shadows and light play on".

---
wish i could watch it live. i guess i'll just have to watch it on tv. hehe!

peace out!

ShatterShards said...

Hehehe. Thanks! Your imagery was strong enough to make me write. Something I thought I lost already. Thanks again!

-----

okay pa rin naman to watch it on TV. buti na lang sa coverage ng Studio 23. hehe

jonathan said...

Beautifully written. I play the piano, learned it by myself so when I am down or even happy, I just hit the keys and create some music. And when all the senses play together - sight, sounds, smell, sensations- the effect is not just melo-dramatic but felt to the core.

RJ said...

Sabi nga ni Homebodyhubby, (Mayaman Pa sa Daga) "3's a crowd, 2's a company." How about 1? uhmn, 1's alone and lonely! Nagkahiwalay ba sila bago namatay ang babae rito sa kwento mo, Ron? Parang showbiz ah. Hahaha! o",) ["...then all the bitterness that was tormenting my spirit would fade just like how I VANISHED from your heart."]

I like your style of writing some notes below the text of your main posts. It helps me to get to the bottom of your heart and mind. Minsan kasi magkaiba ang naiisip ko sa ibig mong sabihin. Whether you are simply mentioning a fictional movie scenario or just naturally revealing real-life scenes that inspired you to write, the vividness of your words really bring those imaginary posts into a life!

RJ said...

At heto pa tanong ko, literal bang namatay ang babae? Huh, it's 'troubling my mind'! Ayan siniseryoso ko na itong kwento ng pianist.

lucas said...

shatts: you have a wide vocabulary, shatts. you'll just have to rekindle your intimacy with words again :)

and very well done. your muse is hovering on you right now. hehe!

---

yeah. talo ang mga manok ko! hehe! DLSU won in 4 sets. ahehe!

RJ:
she didn't die. in fact she's alive and kicking. hehe!

teka...bakit mo naman naisip na namatay yung babae? hmmm..hehe!

salamat sa mga compliments, mate. mas nainspired pa tuloy akong magsulat. hehe!

keep safe.

thanks for the shoutout! :P

jonathan: woah! you're musically talented too, i see. only gifted people could learn how to play just by listening. :)

i agree. i can't imagine this world without music.

RJ said...

Sorry. Hahaha! Naging literal ang pag-unawa ko ng GHOST na 'yon na humahalik-halik sa pianista! At may 'afterlife' ka pang binabanggit.

Huh! Kasi naman... napaka-metaphorical (?) pala nitong post mong 'to. Natatawa talaga ako sa sarili ko, Ron ah! o",)

Myk2ts said...

Lucas, what if gawa na tayo ng book mo, produce naten, tara sige na, i think, it'll hit millions of people! :)

;;;

yeah, sad yung kay kiko, super affected ako :(

ShatterShards said...

Hmmm... Hopeless romantic nga ba ako, or helpless romantic? haha!

Thanks, I'll try not to lose my muse this time.

----

Yep, FEU lost kanina. Saw it live. Parang walang bearing yung first 2 sets, pero both teams upped the ante sa 3rd and 4th sets. Exciting!

Nebz said...

If only I could weave those words as beautifully as you did here...

Nakakahawa. Hmmm...dapat ko itong balik-balikan.

bena said...

i always love reading your posts ron.. it gives me chills! and i love the background music too.. it complements everything!.. you're one heck of a great writer coz you seem to know how to capture the emotions of your readers.. keep it up! by the way, thanks for the condolences.. i appreciate it much.. keep safe.. =)

lucas said...

RJ: it's ok. ahehe! ganun talaga. art is subjective even in literature :)

michael: uhmm. saka na lang siguro. magnunurse muna ako. but i'm enjoying writing as a hobby. :)

---
yeah. nakakalungkot. nabalitaan ko kanina na pararangalan daw siya ng presidente. naisip ko naman, bakit ngayon pa eh wala na siya. hmmm...

shatts: helpless romantic? pareho yata tayo! hahaha!

---
pumunta ka sa arena? cool! enciting nga yung laban. sayang nga lang. i was anticipating a 5-set match. hehe! can't wait for the next season.

V-League yata ang susunod eh.

nebs" thanks for the drop btw :)

bena: thanks bena sa compliments :) ang ganda ng music noh? bagong discovered artist ko sila--"the album leaf" instrumentals lang. hehe!

ingat ka rin... :)

Myk2ts said...

yeah, odd kasi kung kelan wala na yung tao tsaka may mga ganun... tsk tsk

duke said...

ang ganda naman basahin kasama ng background music mo. anong tugtog yan, gusto ko yaaaan! penge. may ibang ganyan pa ba? penge.

REDLAN said...

uy ron, mamaya ko na basahin ang latest post mo. ako ko magcomment kaagad na hindi ko mabasa ng buo. kelangan i-take time (not it takes time)para maappreciate ko siya. pang bedtime story talaga. kagabi pagod ako pag uwi sa byahe. i'll shall return here later.

lucas said...

mykt2s: yeah...uy na-add na nga pala kita sa friendster.

duke: ang ganda noh? it's from the "album leaf" instrumentals lang sila. ambiance daw yung tawag sa genre nila eh... hehe! 4 na yata yung albums nila...

ShatterShards said...

Yep, sa Arena kami nanuod ng finals. Cool talaga, except the ventillation, hindi kinaya ng aircon yung dami ng tao. haha!

V-League na ba ulit? Akala ko katatapos lang ng V-Leage before mag-start ng UAAP. I hope I'll have time to watch, if ever.

Cheers!

Allen Yuarata said...

your words seem like music in my ears. If only I could hear it being read before me.

Very nice!

Mon said...

indeed, all good things come to an end.

i feel sorry for the pianist. i felt sorry for myself as i was reading this.

Mon

Dylan Dimaubusan said...

Habang binabasa ko 'to parang naririnig ko yung Moonlight Sonata ni Beethoven...pero di ko nabasa lahat, naduduling na ko..ahaha!

"There are places in a man’s heart that even light couldn’t touch."

So true. And it's so amazing how a single thought can create a piece such as this. T'was like it's smoothly running not just through your thoughts but in your deepest vein as well..

REDLAN said...

As the inferno within the four walls of my room consumed me I remembered you and your broken voice that broke my heart, hoping the noise I was making could obscure the endless echo in my head of the ugliest truth you spat on my face turning into a lasting ugly mask.<------NAUBUSAN ako ng hininga sa sentence na 'to.

General ang dating ng post na 'to. Hindi ako sure pero hindi halata kung sino ang lalaki o babae na character. Just correct me if am wrong.

eliment said...

ang galing ng music..at syempre pati yong sinulat mo. da bes talaga!
saang balon mo ba hinukay ang mga yan? hehe

Denis said...

well orchestrated. I mean the music and the post- there exists a great symbiosis. Parang im watching your words turn into a cinematic scene while the music is playing.

i think you have a future with screenplay. give me something to criticize naman, puro compliments eh haha

------------

do u rily play the piano?

LhanDz said...

nice post..


i also like the bacground and the song.. nakaka emo..

xlink po tayo..



http://unicohija.blogspot.com

Herbs D. said...

hmm. who could that man be? im quite intrigued haha.

echos! haha. nice writing style :)

Dhianz said...

wow goodlookin' Ron.. ang galing galing moh tlagah.. everytime na napapabasa akoh sa mga post moh... parang ayoko nang mag-post... wehe.. ang galing galign sa mga words... walah akong masabi... as in wow!... galing moh... gusto koh i-print.. at idikit sa wall koh... ganonz kagaling mga post moh... sensya nah naamaze lagi akoh sa mga post moh eh... wow how i wish i can write somethin' like dat... dat i can be as good writer as you.. sometimes kc i'm lack of words... but eniweiz iba iba naman ang talent nang tao... saludo akoh sau sa galing sa pagsulat... suwerte nang next girl na maiinluvan moh...tapos next time puro love romantic sweet post... ayonz.. ingatz lagi... Godbless! -di

KRIS JASPER said...

You really have to start that compilation of short stories. DO IT NOW!

And of course, dont forget my signed copy.

XD

lucas said...

shatts: oo nga eh. mukhang ang init nga. alam ko ganun. salitan sila. i'm not sure kung kelan. ok na siguro ako sa bahay manood. at least malamig kahit papano. hehe!

peace out!

allen: naisip ko minsan na basahin na lang yung mga nasulat kong drafts. uhmm..parang podcast or audioblog? hehe!

mon: i feel sorry too for the pianist. na-add na kita dati pa..ahehe!

dylan: i love beethoven. xa yung bulag right? or xa yung bingi? nakalimutan ko eh. hehe!

nainspired lang talaga akong magsulat nito. :) salamat po.

red: "The heat woke me up. And then this image of a MAN sitting by a piano flashed in my head."---it's a guy. hehe!

when i make monologues i make it habit to pose as the character speaking. lolz! ganun kalala ang mental illness ko. lolz!

naubusan din ako ng hininga dun! i tried to figure out a way to dissect it. it just didn't work for me. :)

check out "the album leaf" astig yung mga music nila. ang galing kasi mag set ng mood ng music nila eh... hehe! a trick i learned from watching too much movies and tv series. hehe!

mukhang busy ah?

peace out!

denis: uhmm...naghahanap talaga ako ng music na babagay sa mood ng story na sinusulat ko. i'd play it while i write. hehe! ang OC ko noh?

you think so? thanks! you're free to criticize me you know. napapaisip nga ako baka nahihiya lang yung iba. tingin mo? a blogger friend advised me to switch to deviant art if i want to grow as a writer. kasi daw dun, most people give honest criticisms.

i play. but just the basics. ang tigas na kasi ng mga joints ko sa kamay. hehe!

herbs: uhmm. the guy's just a figment of my twisted mind. hehe!

thanks for the drop.

lhands: thanks for the drop :)

dhianz:hays..everytime you gave those flattering comments, i always find myself speechless. wala akong masabi kung 'di salamat :)

KJ: i'll make the compilation when i'm dead. hehe! i left the instructions to haley.

so there's no guarantee for a signed copy. haha!

Fjordan Allego said...

"There are places in a man’s heart that even light couldn’t touch."

tama ka. kaya siya naitatago. kaya siya nababalutan ng hiwaga. kaya siya pinagmumulan ng samut saring mga pangyayari sa buhay mo pero hindi mo makontrol.

http://fjordz-hiraya.blogspot.com

Roland said...

wla akong mai-comment.
natulala ako.
sa sobrang ganda ng pagkakasulat.
tama ang friends natin sa blogosphere,
shud start compiling your stories into a book
maging best-seller ito!


OT:
natulala rin ako sa id pic ni vanvan. :D
ahhhh... tumotoma pala. akala ko kung ano na.
haha, talagang tinitigan ko eh.

sparkzspot said...

Hi Friend.. Interesting post.. Nice blog.. Keep up the good work.. Do find time to visit my blog and post your comments.. Take care.. Cheers mate!!!

lucas said...

FJORDS: i agree. i think this is the reason why the most part that involves the heart still still remains as a mystery.

ROLAND: i'm planning to compile this when i'm already dead. hehe! i left the instructions to hales. hehe!

oo nga noh?! hindi ko napansin! hahaha!

SPARK SPOT: thanks for the drop, mate :)

PUSANG-gala said...

nalala ko tuloy isa sa mga fave quotes ko----everything changes---including our definition of this amalgam of life they call happiness....nice one

istepf said...

hehe,, sensya nman, e ngayon ko lng nbasa to eh.. haha..

berigud!

sna minsan mgcing din ako tpos my bgla ko maiisip n isulat.. haha.. iba ka!

see u later kila arie h..Ü