You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


28.4.09

a night on scraps


WHILE READING THIS, imagine me sitting by a bed, breathing the stench of disease inside forbidding white walls of a typical hospital ward. I am looking over my hyperglycemic grandmother that is trying to convince herself that she’s already well and fit to go home. But not yet. Her glucose level just sky-rocketed from 344 to a staggering 419. But besides that and a snag to expel the mucus from her throat, she’s stable. And now I’m treading the line of time that silently stretches itself in front of us while waiting for the results of her laboratory examinations.

Earlier this afternoon, Lola Cornelia experienced breathing difficulties preceded by an unproductive cough and a sore throat; apparently a respiratory ailment that unfortunately exacerbated her fight against a silent assailant—diabetes. I volunteered to watch over her. But I needed something to carry me through the long night so I asked Nanay, my Lola’s daughter, for a pen and paper before she left. I thought I’d write an update for my blog. I told her that I forgot to bring my phone, MP3 player, and the The Rosary Girls novel I’m currently reading. She just stared at me with a puzzled look before giving me a pen and scraps of paper she got me from the nurses’ station. I can understand if she thinks I’m going nuts. She doesn’t know I’m into blogging :P

Let’s talk American Idol if you don’t mind. :P Anyway, I was literally punching the air last Thursday when America decided to give Matt one more week in the competition. Do I think he’ll sail through the finals? I guess that depends on how well he’ll perform in the following weeks. The same goes for the rest of the remaining contenders, which are very musically talented. I think Gokey is somewhat losing his touch and I can now sense an Allen-Lambert finale. But my fingers are still crossed for my dawg, Matt. :P And I think Allison is going home.

I am really psyched that the latest Gavin Degraw album—Free, is finally out! Thanks to my twilight TV surfing and The Today Show. I fell in love with Gavin’s music ever since I heard it on the One Tree Hill Soundtrack years ago. He’s one primary reason why I like Matt’s music so much. In some ways, I find resemblance in the music that they make—blues-y and alternative. And they’re both piano players! Here are sample tracks from the album.



Gavin Degraw

As my pen moves across paper, I can see Lola is still wide awake, anxious eyes at the ceiling. She can’t sleep and I clearly understand why. For a medical practitioner, the hospital is place to heal the sick, but to most of those on the other side of the fence, it’s a place where people die—the main reason why people dislike hospitals and the like. I can sense her anxiety as she lies on this bed, surrounded by sick people, punctured with intravenous lines, and desperately trying to sleep against guttural snores and the air conditioning’s endless buzz—a sick lullaby.




. . .

This is one of the two entries I was able to write when I was in the hospital to watch over my Lola last Sunday. I was half-way through the second when my pen ran out of ink. I was really frustrated and it was only 1:49 in the morning. My grandmother finally fell asleep and I was wide awake. My body clock remained reversed and without anyone to talk to and without anything to do, I was so bored out of skull and writing was my sole hope to kill time. Here are the original drafts.

On the next bed lied an old woman. Sitting on a chair beside her was a girl enjoying an OTH marathon on a laptop. It was a total mockery! I would’ve watched from a distance but I didn’t want to be rude either. She looked really smart but definitely a snob! I didn’t want to risk it. :P Peace out!



37 comments:

electropunk said...

hope your lola gets out of hospital soon.

i'll search for a torrent of gavin's new album.. haha

ZARA 札拉 [사랑해~] said...

Thanks for sharing here dear!

^__^

Miss u around..

leslie said...

My body clock remained reversed and without anyone to talk to and without anything to do, I was so bored out of skull and writing was my sole hope to kill time...

i actually get to nurse this sensation sometimes...and know what? whenever i recall what has just happened to me, i realize that this thing beat my wits...i mean, if we're crazy enough to lean on to writing to "live the moment" then how much worse those who are contented into staring into the blank wall?

Lance said...

haha..Funny how your Nanay thought you're going nuts..lol

Our language trainer is also soooo into AI so that's what encouranged me to somehow check an episode on the show..I usually like watching the Britain's Got Talent show on youtube..

I envy you because you can write on a scratched paper... Me? If I have no computer in front of me, I won't be able to come up of an article. And I really love the way you write right now. I love reading your random thoughts about things you like, second to those nerve whacking poems that you compose.. =)

hopefully, when i get my internet connection back in my new place I would make sure to cope with my blog again.

Cheers! And hope your Lola will recovery soon..

Theo Martin said...

Hope this finds you and your lola well.

They're not scraps at all dude.

While i was reading your post, i can imagine you're gonna be a nurse in grey's anatomy. detailed medical findings, pero may puso ang description. naks! :)

lucas said...

electropunk: actually, she out already...earlier his afternoon :D thanks!

you should! he sounds really good. :P

by the way, i can't leave commens on your site. iba yata gamit mong comment box eh..hays...

zara: hi, zara!

leslie: hmmm...i'm curious kung anong nangyari sa yo? but anyway, you're otally right. it'so much better to write than to just stare at the wall...haha!

lance: haha! she was actually bugging me why is it a big deal for me to have a pen and paper. boredom could really drive me mad dude..haha!

I'm watching America's Got Talent. Meron kasi sa cable tv namin.

thanks, mate. actually i am not used to write on scratch paper either. no choice lang talaga. hehe!

good thing you've finally settled on your new place. i'll wait for your upcoming posts then.

Cheers to you too! actually i was just informed that she's already discharged from the hospital :D

theo: she's out of the woods already, thanks, theo!

i love grey's anatomy. i'm looking forward to do a marathon of its latest season! hehe!

jonathan said...

It's good that you find ways to write wherever you go. All we need is a pen, a paper, and our imagination. Keep it up!

Angelo said...

Hey bro, sorry to hear about your Lola, I hope that she recovers well and soon. DM sucks especially when exacerbated by infection. Take good care of her.

Dude, you are old school! I haven't written with a quill and parchment in ages.... the electronic age has taken the romance out of writing for me.... scratch that, it was my horrible penmanship....

I saw Idol while I was flipping through channels last night... good luck to Matt!

cheers man!

lucas said...

angelo: yeah... before she was taken to the hospital, she was given sweet cough syrups that apparently increased her glucose levels...but she's out of the woods now. thanks :D

actually i'm not used to write on scratch either. i just had no choice! hehe!

i think matt did good this week. hope he'll survive for another...

cheers, doc!

jon: yeah... i can't imagine how would be able to survive that night without a pen and paper around... :P

tomato cafe said...

Thanks for sharing the tracks! :D

Denis said...

probably by now you are mourning.

hehe.

prayers for your lola and apir! for the music in your blog (as of the press time) hehe

oy may blog summit, batiin mo naman mga fans mo dun

lucas said...

denis: wow..i can't believe you just spoiled the results! T_T

tomato cafe: sure, mate!

Mon said...

Matt Giraud for the win!!!
By the way, di ko mabasa yung sinulat mo sa scrap. it's so blurry.. hehe..
i'm currently watching OTH Season 5. medyo late ako.. hehe

Angelo said...

Glad to hear that she's okay now, take care of her and yourself too!

I think the Sea of Tranquility will probably be visible tonight or tomorrow.... one day I'm gonna get a telescope powerful enough to see Armstrong's footprints... haha yeah right, I wish....

cheers!

KRIS JASPER said...

Cool! I told you Kris A will be the next AI! yey!

And that Gavin Degraw thing.... appear!

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

May kalokohan ka pa rin talaga....

Sabi ko... swerte ang faily mo sa iyo... Kasi NURSE ka at for sure talagang naaalagaan mo sila....

Get well soon sa Lola mo... Hehe :)

kcatwoman said...

well i hope lola cornelia gets better soon. just go on blogging if it takes your mind away from the worry. and also about the rosary girls novel,.. is that pinoy. maganda ba sya?

Theo Martin said...

my sincere condolences lucas/ron :(

Kris for the wiiin! :)

lucas said...

mon: nako tanggal na si Matt..hehe! pero okay lang. i think i'd shift my bets on Danny. ahehe!

I'm watching the latest episodes on ETC. hindi ako makabili nung DVD eh. hehe! peace out!

chard: hehe! i should be bothered kung wala akong kalokohan sa buhay..hehe!

thanks. she's been discharged already...:D

flor: thanks, flor. my grandma's fine na! :)

the rosary girl's novel is not authored by a filipino. it's quite good. it's a detective story :)

theo: Allen is good...

I'm shifting my bets on Gokey! ahehehe! tanggal na yung manok ko eh.. hehe!

KJ: APIR! HEHEHE!

I'm betting KA will make it to the top 3. i'm still not sure if he could outsing danny and adam..hehehe!

angelo: yeah, thanks!

It's really cool to know that you can still recall your Astronomy lessons. :D

Allen Yuarata said...

Buti nga yung Lola mo nasasamahan mo pa sa ospital. Did you know, when my brother went home nung holy week, our Lola told him some very disturbing farewell messages. You know,,, yung mejo nagpapaalam na.

Anyway, I go for Kris Allen. wooohoo!

Marlon said...

Diabetes, this is one disease i'm afraid i'm going to get someday when i'm way older, I lost my uncle because of it. (i don't know if i had to say that) but i do hope your lola will feel better. another sad story about this is my dear lola, the only grandma i ever knew died when i was in the states, I even promised her that I would do something for her once i returned, but then I was too late.

elYAS said...

sa lahat: maraming salamat. buhay na ulit ako. haha!
[at my [post]

@lucas: haha. bibili ako by next week siguro. :D salamat. baback read na lang ako. :D :D

MAY said...

uy lucas.. ok na ba si lola? :( hope she's fine na...

gusto ko din ng gavin songs.. and super malaking factor dahil sa OTH.. hehe.. :)

salamat sa pagbisita ulit sa blog ko ha :)

lucas said...

allen: almost everybody on my site is rooting for Kris. But that's no suprise. He's really good. But i'm betting on Danny as of now..hehehe!

she's already discharged, thanks :) i hate it when they do that. my grandmother said 'Parang hindi ako magtatagal sa ospital na to' and it was just disturbing...

marlon: indeed, death comes like a thief in the night. very sudden and unpredictable...

I'm so sorry about your Uncle and your Lola. Diabetes is a scary disease but it can beprevented or maintained...

thanks...

elyas: good for you... :)

glad you're back.

may: she's great! thanks so much. malaking factor talaga yung tree hill with my liking of gavin's music :)

gentle said...

hi ron. hope your lola recovers soon. hyper glycemia is different ba from hypo glycemia? i was given this weird sounding name din kasi once, when i went to our clinic sa work, 2 years ago ata, for reason na bigla ako nag chill at nanghina for no apparent reason.. ayun.. bumaba daw ang blood sugar ko sabi ng doctor. kakanerbyos, yung feeling na para kang biglang binuhusan ng bucket na punung-puno ng yelo, ganun ang feeling.

lucas said...

gentle: yeah...they are total opposites actually. Hyperglycemia is a condition wherein blood sugar in the blood is high above the normal levels...in your condition, hypoglatcemia, mababa naman. there are many reasons for hypoglycemia pero mas common yung kapag nagutom ka. you turn cold and clammy, dizzy, weakness, etc... ayun. baka nagutom ka lang..hehe! :P

Jake said...

Oist! What's the Rosary Girls all about? I'm intrigued. (Actually I'm looking for a good read) :)

lucas said...

jake: It's a detective story...about a serial killer whose victims are all girls. leaving rosaries to their dead bodies was his signature (hence the title). I'm not yet sure if I'm liking it or not though. I'm a little bit preoccupied with other stuff...hehehe!

kalansaycollector said...

naku get well soon to lola.

ahy buhaaay!

lucas said...

kalansay: she's all well now, my friend :) thanks...

Roland said...

ok nba si Lola???

nakakatuwa, talang nai-scan pa pati yung draft copy.
paano ba mag adjust ng body clock?
two weeks nako sa work ko on night shift.
hirap pa ren ako. bumubigay ang katawan ko bet 3-6am.
hav u heard "melatonin?"

ingatz!!

kokoi said...

kamusta na lola mo now?

lucas said...

roland: yeah! ok na siya! :)

melatonin? di pa yun yung substance na sinisecrete ng pineal gland. major factor yun sa sleep cycle...

thanks, roland...

kokoi: ok na po ang lola..thanks, koi... :)

HOMER said...

I wonder why the Americans didnt vote for him. He's the most talented I think of the finalists.. His style is very classy! He's actually my bet! Too bad he got booted out!

lucas said...

homer: I totally agree! hays... i lost my appetite for 'idol' when he got voted out...

i'm rooting for allen, btw. i need to shift my bets. hehehe!

caryn said...

glad your lola is all better ;-) take care ron and keep writing ;-)

lucas said...

caryn: thanks, caryn :)