You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


12.5.09

phlegm


WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO EASY TO STRAY and to get lost than to find their way back?

The version of you that I’ve learned to love still sticks to my throat—stubborn phlegm that lately pushes me to the verge of breathlessness; an amalgam of blissful memories, perfect, pristine, and relentless, defying the continuous downpour of rain spattering against the roof and windows of this lonely house. And now that I have the chance to finally unveil who you really are, far away from the ghosts of our past, I suddenly found myself scared. I am not ready to let go of such beauty.

I tried to find the answers as I stared lazily unto the wet night. A cup of coffee was my company and some alternative music to color the monotonous crackling sounds of water against everything. The truth slowly revealed itself: I am terrified to know you because you might not be the person I’ve always imagined you to be. I am selfish for what my mind thinks but that picture of you is all I’ve got—my only hope to find a way back. Your willingness to reach out awakened a hope, once in a deep slumber; a hope to pick up the threads of an old life that I am longing for so much that it feels almost an ache. And now as I stroll on this new path for us I am afraid that the thread would grow thin still and eventually break.

People say that sometimes, one needs to fool himself into believing things that aren’t real, especially when those things are his only means to be saved. I am not sure what complicated emotion lurks inside my diseased heart. I do not know if it’s love or a twisted form of fanaticism. But love usually thrives in the unknown and in the uncertain. I guess I’ll just have to believe that it is real—my sole anchor and means of salvation to escape away from a fate I do not wish to suffer. I need to believe that it can save me from myself, which is slowly turning into something far away from the person that I’ve always wanted to be. These are those moments where decisions are proven insufficient. It takes a mind to decide but it requires a heart to choose. Unfortunately, I have a weak one.

The rain slowly hushed eventually muting the noises it was making against tin roofs. And when it finally ended in silence, I was still there, elbows on my knees, hands under my face. On my side was a cup that now laid empty, hollow, waiting to be filled. Strangely, it felt like sitting with myself. The perfect marriage of the lack of light and the cold hums of the evening air was strangely elating despite of my melancholic thoughts and Switchfoot’s nostalgic lullabies. The emotion invoked words from nowhere, suddenly arranging themselves on a blank piece of paper. Half-way through it, a sad thought walked past like a rude passerby:

When we finally meet, I might not recognize her anymore. To finally look at her as friend will take some time. The phlegm must be coughed out—which I have proven is as stubborn as myself.






34 comments:

Denis said...

*one needs to fool himself into believing things that aren’t real, especially when those things are his only means to be saved.*

so true. And this often keeps me sane.

hahah naki emo.

Elay said...

galing galing.. clap clap

lucas said...

denis: ahehe! naghahasik ako ng ke-emohan!

elay: thanks, my friend :)

Aris said...

ako man, may minahal na kahit anong pilit, hindi ko makalimutan. hanggang ngayon nakakapit sa dibdib ko at kahit alam kong dapat ko na siyang tanggalin, patuloy ko siyang pinananatili kahit masakit at nahihirapan akong huminga. patuloy kong nilulunok kahit dapat ko nang iluwa. sana matagpuan ko na ang bagong pag-ibig na magsisilbing mucolytic sa aking puso. :)

Jake said...

Brod, ang tawag dyan...IN LOVE. Hahaha!

I like the way you describe the situation. One of the few entries that conjured vivid images in my mind.

The thing is, a pleghm is a substance produced by ourselves in certain situations. You may expectorate the pleghm at one time but, stubborn as it is, it will keep coming back FROM WITHIN.

Dylan Dimaubusan said...

Swithcfoor ei, anung kanta ba?

Phlegm?! I dunno sounds yucky to me, lolz.. But to compare it with the feeling that you're so wanting to let go but couldn't...hmmm, that's something..

Hayz, certified emo ka nga...but as long as your insanely sane, it's okay..

--The book you mentioned - No. What's it all about?

Theo Martin said...

iba yung nagdadrama at iba yung may nilalaman ang drama hahaha.

in fairness kahit emo, feeling ko kinalkal ang utak to find the right words. pinagnilayan nang husto.

Always a pleasure reading your entries. kahit matagal ang pagitan, sulit ang paghihintay! Keep it up Ron! :)

Theo Martin said...

aris, carbosisteine lang ang katapat niyan. me tinitinda akong gamot sa plemang yan. hahaha, mura lang kasi generic. :)

jonathan said...

The uncertainties of loving and being loved make us scared. But if we hold on to fear, we will never find what we are seeking for.

You write with passion and I see myself in your entries but in different angles. Keep them coming!

Lance said...

it hurts, holding on to memories we're better off letting go.
Hi there, mate! =)

gentle said...

kuya, emo ka din!!
di ko kinaya da drama!! ehehehe..
gudlak sa diseased mong puso..
at switchfut pala ang soundtrack mo!

:)

lucas said...

aris: [sana matagpuan ko na ang bagong pag-ibig na magsisilbing mucolytic sa aking puso. :)]

--i too wish this... :)

jake: in love? i'm not really sure. how can someone fall in love with a memory? hmmm...

i agree. but in my case, it's a phlegm that i'm not able to expectorate. ever.

dylan: 'you' by switchfoot..hays...hehe!

i'm actually surprised i'm still sane. hehe!

it's about the unconditional maternal love. nakakaiyak siya. matatapos ko na nga eh. you should read it. :)

theo: thanks for reading kahit na predictably emo ang mga posts ko. hehe! hindi ako makapagpost lately kasi i'm preoccupied with other non-sensical stuff..hehe! :P

kung pwede lang carbocistine ang solutio bakit hindi! hehehe! pabili!!! :P

jon: people fear the unknown...like death. most people are afraid because they do not know for sure what's on the other side. people fear the uncertain than death itself...

i'm curious to know the your 'angle' on this one..ahehe. peace out!

lance: i totally agree, mate! :)

Allen Yuarata said...

iluwa mo kasi yung phlegm. O di kaya'y pwedeng i-scoop-in ng traktora ang plema. wahahahahaha! Remember that ad? haha!

Anyway, if it's love then spit it out. Just like what we do with a phlegm. Don't swallow. haha.

Allen Yuarata said...

btw kuya, about dun sa latest post ko, i think the best thing we could do right now is make some noise about it. If it becomes really really noisy, then the people up there could eventually hear it. hehe.

JOSHMARIE said...

It takes a mind to decide but it requires a heart to choose. -SO TRUE.

Naalala ko tuloy ang aking nakaraan. Ayun. Inom ka ng robitusin para mawala ang pleghm. Hehehe. Nice entry lucas!

Millionaire@age20 said...

Hi Kuya Lucas! Right now I have cough and also a love life. And it's just so timely to read this post! Hahaha! Bravo! I love this post! You should be my writing teacher! hehehe.

Dhianz said...

ang sarap sarap magbasa nang sulat moh. i wish i can write somethin' like dat too... see i'm speechless... as always... wehe.... hmmm nabasa koh lang sa twitter moh na sabi moh eh u think u have a flu... pagaling kah... ingatz... Godbless! -di

Summer said...

kamusta! miss ko rin tong blog na to ah :D


Summer
A Writers Den

ShatterShards said...

Sometimes, we get addicted to the idea; to the thought of being with someone; to the point that it hampers with one's life. And sometimes, we are fixated with the "idea" more than the actuality of that certain someone. This is where "love" becomes "addiction," and try as one might, it's hard to let go. There are no nicotine patches for this kind of affliction.

I've been there; it isn't such a happy place to be.

----
I'm fine, thanks for asking. Been busy lately; no social life, no online one either. :-D

Chyng said...

Heartaches last for as long as you want it to be. The only person who can free you from your heartache is you. - Source: Hallmark


Happy entries na yluet ha! ;)

karmi said...

coffee plus rain equals one certified emo post. :) hehehe.

teka, parang coffee din ung theme nung latest entry ko ah.. minsan nga magkape tayo! hehe:)

"To finally look at her as friend will take some time."

parang, kung ako yan, hindi kape ang iniinom ko. alak! hahaha. :)

MAY said...

hope always gives us reasons to not let go.. hope gives meaning to our lives, because hope is something all off us own but more often than not is also the one thing that continues to crush our hearts into bits of pieces clinging on to it as it allows us to believe it could be revived again in time...

maybe, stubbornly we continue to love somebody because we hope.. that someday, somewhere, somehow...we would meet another person who'd make us love them more than what we have as of the moment...

but for now.. our wasted heart will continue loving that one person, as because for the moment, that's the only perfect thing to do... :(

hay naku lucas.. napapa-emo mo na naman ako.. :)

lucas said...

allen: sige i'll remember that. 'do not swallow'. hehe!

sige goodluck sa advocacy mo :)

josh: robitussin! tama! kaya lang wala akong pambili..hehehe!

millionaire: good luck on your love life then..hehe! writing teacher? nako i'm not sure if i could be one...hehe

di: yeah...actually sipon lang naman pero I'm starting to develop a headache and i'm all teary eyed. para akong naiyak for no reason..hehehe!

thanks as always :) God bless you

shatts: i totally agree...we're in love with the idea.not with person itself. but there's only one way to confirm this. jump!!!

I wish you well on your busy sched! :P

chyng: hanep. kasbisado pati mga hallmark quotations. :P o sige i'll try to write happy posts next time. kaya lang don't have the time yet. ang dami kong pang drafts eh..hihi!

karmi: haha! oo nga noh? parehong kape ang theme ng posts natin!

sige ba! hehehe!

alak nga yata dapat kaya lang mas affordable ang kape...hehehe!

may: wala na akong maidadagdag pa may. very well said. hope makes us stubborn!

senxa naman kung napapa-emo ka..hehe!

REDLAN said...

COMMENT ON A NIGHT ON SCRAPS:
-it's late to comment but I hope your grandma is fine na. Napangiti ako dun sa moment na naghingi ka ng pen and paper sa nanay mo. Hindi niya alam....

COMMENT ON YOUR DOORSTEP:
-epilogue nga dahil iisa lang ang pinapahiwatig ng post na 'to, Nabasa ko na 'to sa previous posts mo kaso ibang pagkakataon nga lang. You relaly have a creative mind.

COMMENT ON PHLEGM:
-napakalalim naman ng binitiwang mong mga salita. Nakakaantig sa tenga kapag binitiwan mo 'to verbally. Ngayon ko lang narinig ang kanta sa page mo. Galing at napakaganda ng bago mong header. Naaliw ako sa pagtitig. Gifted talaga. Anong ang ininum mong gatas nun? hehehe

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

May swine flu ngayon... Hehe :)

Ingat lagi....

Kailangan mag ingat...

Well, sa phlegm.... Uso yan ngayon... hehe :) Pabago-bago panahon.... Pero inom ng maraming water at gamot...

Love? Go on... Hehe :) Magandang inspirasyon iyan.

HOMER said...

Nice post!! Felt it!!
I hope you've released the phlegm already! It only takes a matter of time!

Ei if its alright with you I want to keep track with your thoughts. I'll include you in my blogroll, dont worry No Service Charge! hehe! Feel free to add mine too. Thanks! :)

lucas said...

homer: the cough is still there unfortunately and made worse by my colds...ahehehe!

thanks for dropping by...

richard: swine flu nga agad ag pumasok sa isip ko eh...hehe..pero ngayon medyo ok ok na. neozep lang naman ang katapat...

thanks :D

red: medyo late na nga ah..hehe! but thanks for taking the time to comment.

anyway, my lola's fine na.

ahh...yung first part yun. naghihintay kasi yung lalaki dun. ngayon dumating na yung hinihintay niya..ahehehe

slamat, red. Bonakid yata ako dati. i'm not sure..hehe

thanks for dropping by...

gentle: emo ka rin di ba??? (or at least dun sa last post mo :) APIR! ahehehe! i love switchfoot.

KRIS JASPER said...

Again, nice chosen words you've posted.

Talking about phlegm.... waaaahhhh!!!!! Im an incubus of viral plague at the moment.

HOMER said...

Thanks Luke! (hehe!!), for the comment and link..
BTW, saw your profile, you're from Laguna pala more than half of my life was spent in Laguna eh. Keep in tats! :)

RJ said...

Minsan itong plema, hindi nailalabas... May mga pagkakataon kasing walang ibang choice kundi lunukin. Nakakatawa, pero totoo.

Sa pag-ibig kaya?

Mon said...

parang tatlong araw ata ako tumambay sa post na to. ninamnam ko talaga bawat linya, hahay! parang phlegm nga naman ang pag-ibig kung minsan... mahirap i-labas! peru pag-nailabas na dapat di na ibalik pa! grosss.. hehe

kendi said...

you probably need ambroxol, or perhaps ectrin? one capsule TID. hehe.

but love is one disease of which the only cure is the thing itself. :)

lucas said...

kendi: [but love is one disease of which the only cure is the thing itself. :)]

this sounds familiar. sayo ko din yata nabasa yun eh? people suffer from a disease caused by lack of love? hehe! but very true...kelangan ko nga siguro ng ectrin/ambroxol at L-O-V-E. yikes! san ako hahanap nun? hehe!

mon: nilabas mo na kakainin mo pa ulit??? yack! ang gross mo, mon! hahaha! salamat naman sa palagiang pagbisita...hehe!

peace out!

RJ: very true, RJ! pati nga sa sipon ganun eh. hahaha! i remember my pathology professor. umamin siya na nilulunok niya yung sipon niya kasi hindi siya pwedeng syminga habang naglelecture! hahaha!

homer: you used to live here in laguna? where? dito ka nag-aral? cool :D

you're welcome, homer...

KJ: thanks, KJ: ) what do you mean you're an incubus for viral plague? are you sick too?

ShatterShards said...

Love is a sickness of the brain, because the brain stops to function when the body is afflicted by love. haha!

Jumping requires faith, and a whole lot of courage, which is sometimes hard to come by. That is a reason why it is so hard to distiguish between the love of the idea and the love of the person. Jumps are followed by landings, and if you're not careful, you may end up bent, bloodied and broken.

---
Yeah, I was glad too, of the company I had. If not for them, I wouldn't have stayed sa venue. The sun was particularly good as well, although we did prepare for swimming under the rain; may dala kaming mga payong, para hindi kami mabasa ng ulan habang naliligo sa pool. Haha!

Wala talagang kaparis ang baha rito, karamihan ng kalsada, nagiging ilog.