in dark and in light

WOULD A LOVE SURVIVE IN HIDING? Like everything else that has life and that breathes, will it suffocate in the torment of rules and ill fate?

They say love can see in the dark, but for how long? Our feet stand in the same ominous place now and I am grieving. For when love has finally found us, it is when we decided to take flight, away from the eyes of those who would take you away for me.

And for this I have to stay away. And you can’t be too close. And it pains me. Even God knows how I crave for your presence—so intoxicating to my soul that I would lock you in an embrace and not let go, if I could. I’d rather chew on these fleeting moments rather than walk alone in this dark path. My love is strong, but I am afraid my heart would crumble to pieces on the ground without knowing that you’ll be with me till the end.

The day dissolves into night, so fast that frustration is eating me up from inside because I am once again reminded of how powerless we are against the arms of time that strangles us. When this stolen moment ends and when we finally walk away from the shelter of our sanctuary built in stealth and endless longing, I will once again miss you, from the moment I turn my back till I take the last step to see you again. It’s strange because even at this moment with your back against me, my arms around you and my hands intertwined with yours, I still miss you terribly. I believe that the only times I forget to miss you is when I’m sporadically thrown into a stupor where my daydreams plunge me to a place where you do not exist, leaving me standing alone before a dead end. My nightmares are the only entities that kept you away from me, but they are still unable to purge you from my thoughts. You are everywhere, even in dreams.

When you love in the dark, nothing will seem to be enough. You can’t kiss enough. You can’t hug enough. You can’t love enough. You can’t be happy enough. Everything seems to lack because in the back of your mind, something is screaming that loving is an act that you should be proud of, and to show the world how blessed you are for being a keeper of the heart of the most amazing person; the one soul out of the billion that beats in time with yours. You shouldn’t need to steal a glimpse behind your back before you kiss or hold someone’s hand. One should love freely like breathing air in and out of your lungs, without consent, without restrictions—free. But this world will always choose to tell us who to love and what things we should be afraid of. And for this, I am sad. I have yet to love freely and fearlessly.

I am scared and torn, thinking the darkness might find away to finally eat our hearts and that I might lose you if we step out into the light. For now, we had to be this way, keeping the distance, chasing time, and struggling to force our hearts closer to bridge the distance. I’m all wrong for you and I know it but I have fallen in love without taking a step. I have to stay away but I do not have that kind of heart that could bear that thought anymore. All I want is to be here with you, and to love you, one way or another, both in darkness and in light.