You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


7.1.09

greatest story never told: the epilogue


I SAW HER FACE and suddenly my heart was home again. it was a conflicted feeling. i am not even sure what it means exactly. her memory once again knocked on my door and i welcomed it in like an old friend. i felt the familiar warmth, protecting me from this cold and windy night.

there are just too many memories that wrote my past, but hers is the one that i never tried to cast away. have you ever been to a point in your life when you thought you could never fit in this world? the very same place that dictates what things we should wear or what we should be afraid of or who we should love? well, she saved me from that ugly place and whenever i dwell on her presence or on her memories, i feel different…and yet feel so normal.

there were still nights when i would look up to the heavens and deconstruct this complicated emotion. sometimes it is love but most of the time it is more like an illusion. questions hang over me but they are no strangers to me anymore. sometimes, i would look back and wonder what if i took that path where she and i could be together. i have been trying to imagine what my life could’ve been if i walked along that broken road set before me. but the more i linger on these thoughts; the idea of the possibility that she still owns that sanctuary in me becomes more absurd.

sometimes i would convince myself that i just love the idea of her. for some reason she has become an epitome of the person that i could share a piece of my heart with. i am terrified that i might not be able to move on from her ghost; the most beautiful i had ever seen. i have learned that in someway, it’s harder to detach oneself from a fantasy than to accept an inconvenient reality.

a line was drawn when i walked away. another was drawn when i broke her heart. and beyond those lines was a wall. i was the one who drew the lines and built the wall. i should be burned at a stake for inflicting her pain she didn’t deserve, and yet there she was, silently knocking…

it was christmas eve…

len-len: ron… do you think we could still be friends? i mean real friends?

lucas: of course. why not? i was your friend before. i would like to think that i could still be despite of what happened between us. is everything okay?

len-len: no. nothing. i guess, i just miss you.

lucas: i miss you too. it might be too much to ask because of what happened between us but if you’ll ever need anything or you need someone to talk to…i’m just around, alright?

len-len: you still haven’t changed nor dropped that superman act of yours. i am fine. thank you…

if the heart could be measured i am not sure what part of it still beats for her. or what measure of time is needed to make this stop. with a heart, broken or not, it’s still in her memory that i run home to. a person could have multiple soul mates in one lifetime and i had found one. it was her. my comet, my lighthouse, the breadcrumbs that used to lead me back home. and as much as i wanted to write a never-ending story of our love, it is time to close the book we once tried to write. we were stranded on a crossroads before. but now, it is up to the bridge of chance of destiny to realign the stars that once lighted our paths…



31 comments:

MarcoPaolo said...

speechless ako sa nabasa ko... hehehehe... i think you have a good relationship with len len...

God bLess!

Denis said...

awwww

si ron naman eh

naka nganga na naman ako in front of my pc reading this post.

i feel for you

REDLAN said...

pang bedtime story ko na lang to mamaya. hehehe. at bukas na ako mag-comment. mukhang interesting yung conversation nyo. exciting.

wanderingcommuter said...

tsktsk... pasok music...


"muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag ibig. muling pagbigyan ang ating nakaraan...."

hehehe

lucas said...

marco: it's not exactly good. complicated is the right term i guess :)

danis: ahehe! aba isara mo na yan baka ano pang pumasok dyan. ahehe! thanks, denis :)

red: sige red :) tulog ka ng maigi :) hope this post helps...hehe!

ewik: hahaha! really funny... haha! masarap lang magreminisce pero walang tamis na ibabalik. epilogue na nga eh..hehe!

Chyng said...

that's the best thing to keep after breaking up, the respect for each other. rare!

teka, ano ba tlga, lucas or ron?!

MarcoPaolo said...

Oh... sad to hear that naman... complicated ba? tsk tsk... anyway have a nice day!

-SMILE-

Myk2ts said...

teary eyed. yeah. we can't simply deny the fact na kahit gaano kasakit, hindi natin kayang magalit sa taong pinakamamahal natin. cryer :'(

eliment said...

matagal din akong nag-pose bago makaisip ng sasabihin........... mahirap na sitwasyon yan. pero alam kong mangingibabaw yong kung ano ka sa kanya. kung naging mabuti ka sa kanya at maganda naman ang pinagsamahan. palagay ko pwde kayong maging magkaibigan uli.

lucas said...

chyng: it's ron :) lucas is my alias..ahehe!

marco paolo: yeah..pero minsan pakiramdam ko ako lang ang nagpapakomplikado..but thanks :) have a nice day.

myk2ts: hmmm...yun na nga eh...pero natural lang na magalit di ba???

eli: thanks mate :) i am still blessed kasi kahit papamo magkaibigan pa rin kami...

alex said...

wow the dialogue part is simple but very powerful

i felt it

T_T

ZARA 札拉 [사랑해~] said...

I really hope you can face through this...

I faced this before, and up until now..I'm still walk alone..

Cheer up Ron!

Thanks for dropped by!

Elay said...

that's really sad.

you know, I never thought of a single chance that old lovers can be 'real friends'
there will always be something in you or in her that will bring a sense of awkwardness.

lucas said...

alex: i guess somethings that really matter could be found in the simplest of things...

zara: thanks, zara :) and you know what, it feels to be alone sometimes but nothing beats having a company :)

God bless you :)

elay: i thought so too... pero siguro it depends on the foundation of the friendship before becoming lovers...

REDLAN said...

Bedtimestory ko ang post na 'to the other night....Very well said...

whatever happens i know na ginawa mo dahil sa kaligayahan mo. kaya goodluck.

PUSANG-gala said...

"sometimes i would convince myself that i just love the idea of her", may be----or you are just clinging to the idea of love.

the situation is too complicated if you don't know the whole story, so like me, I donno what to say----

but I have a question Ron---why didn't you go for it? you should have continue pushing---that way, you are not asking yourself now---what if?

KRIS JASPER said...

when you asked about feeling fit in this world....

I thought, hmmm...... I dont belong in this world. Maybe when I die, I wont decay, instead I'll just erupt.

If this is the epilogue, will there be a sequel?

JoShMaRie said...

bakit di pagbigyan muli ang INYONG pagmamahalan... kung mawawala ay di bat sayang naman... *sings*

may LSS ako. narining ko si bugoy kumakanta sa radyo kanina. hehe. :)

duke said...

thank you for dropping by my blog. hope to see you there again.

lucas said...

red: would you believe me if i tell you that i am not sure what things could make me happy anymore?

pusang gala: because i decided that it was the right things to do. sometimes walking away is a simple yet sincere act of love.

KJ: i am not sure :)

josh: i love that song by bugoy! :)

duke: of course :) i added you to my roll :) thanks for the drop too :)

Reyn said...

We always have a choice, Ron. Be happy with what you choose.



Wag kang tumulad sakin. :P

RJ said...

S'ya ba 'yong nang-iwan sa yo na wala man lang pasabi bago ka mag Shade ng mga Boxes sa nursing board exam?! Whew! Pagkatapos ng lahat...

Siguro kung ako hindi na kami friends.

Pero ramdam kong nais nyo pa ring dalawa na mag-realign ulit ang mga bituin sa langit para sa inyo. Sana kung ano ang kagustuhan o mga nais ng puso ninyo ni Lenlen 'yon ang mangyayari.

gravity said...

waaaah!!!! you left me teary-eyed. i dont know what else to say. sapul...

Dylan Dimaubusan said...

hmm, well, i guess love needs no measurements.. just allow your heart to feel what's really inside it and let it all out..

there's a time for everything. a time to love and to let go of the ones we loved. if that's the case.

and yeh, i'm back here again..

cheer up!

bulitas said...

godbless you and lenlen.
=)
nice one, ron.
smile, move forward and face this year full of hope. =)
apir!

Dhianz said...

nung binabasa koh syah... napapa-awwww akoh...tapos pagkatapos... napa-wow akoh... everytime binabasa koh ang mga post moh ron eh puro awww and wow! lang atah ang nasasabi koh... wala na kcng dapat idagdag pa sa kwento moh... as in whew! ang galing... yan bah tlgah 'ung luv story moh noon?... kung yan nga ako'y mag-aabang nang ending nitoh... kung nde man maging kayo ulet so it means nde syah ang soulmate moh... i believe you only have one soulmate... you are destined to only one person... i dunno who'z dat person is... but wat i do know she'll come in God's perfect timing...so 'unz... luv ur post ron! GODBLESS! -di

lucas said...

ton: yeah... i have made my choice... i just wish my heart wont falter this time...

RJ: nope...hindi siya yun...she and i never engaged ourselves into a 'formal' relationship :)

dylan: glad you're back, mate :) let go and let live!

bulitas: we're able to keep the friendship and with that i am very grateful :) thanks, mate :)

gravity: :) thanks alot... sapul ba? tsl tsk. hehe! i'll drop by later :)

dhianz: yeah i guess pero ito na yung ending. friends which is really despite of what happened :) makikiya ko din ang soulmate kong yun :) salamat, di :)

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

Base on your experience ba ito?

Hehe :) Wala lang.... Parang senti ka now... Good naman ang story.... Kaso bad ang naging ending... Huhu!

KRIS JASPER said...

so no part 2?

lucas said...

lionheart: yep...ito ang lovestory ko DATI..hehe!

KJ: nope..wala. hehe!

istepf said...

nakatutuwa nald,, english version ito..Ü

christmas eve was such an unforgettable night, wasnt it?

if only lenlen could read this....