You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


22.11.08

blinded


I WISH YOU WERE BLIND, so that you will not be able to see the scars and the imperfections of this face, or this skin i’m wearing. how i wish you see nothing but black, dark enough for you to see my light. sometimes, when you look at me with those brown eyes, i just want to stick my fingers into them, so that you’ll lose your sight of this world, and see my heart instead. that is all i want. you have the perfect vision and yet you refuse to see.

i sometimes wonder what if i am blind. what if colors just decided to hide from me like the way you hide your heart? would mine still beat for you even if i won’t be able to have a glimpse of your beautiful face? i guess it would still, for whenever i close my eyes at night, i could still see you: a blinding image in absolute darkness that calms the storm, raging from within me; a balm for my weary soul; a beacon that leads me to the light, and yet i have never felt so lost in my life.

could you please just gouge your eyes out for me? i just want you to see me like how i see you right now. let darkness swallow my face, my whole body, me. and from nothing just try to paint an image of me by remembering how i hold your hand, or how my voice sounds like when i call your name; just remember how i used to write your name on the sand and try to listen with these words i am softly whispering in your ears. do you hear me? don’t tell me you’re deaf. try to open your heart so that you will able to see; so that you will be able to hear. just let it open and hear me knock. i am on your doorstep and i am saying i love you.

you now walk on flowers. i walk on weeds, slicing me. i am all wrong for you and i know it. i just wish my heart knows and believes that truth too because it’s tricking my mind into thinking things to spare me from an incredulous pain and ordeal. i would rather embrace the pain. somehow bitterness is the only way to get rid of the agony; the only way to learn how to let go. i must sleep with this pain or else it will not leave my bed. but in the back of my thoughts, you’re the only one i want to share my bed with tonight.

some say that life is like a series of images passing by at blinding speeds. life is fast and short. but there are moments in life when a moment hovers and stand frozen in time. it’s like a miracle, and when it happens, make sure not to miss it. perhaps one of these days, this event will come your way. my fingers are crossed that when it happens, it will be my image you will see among others, floating in space, flashing you with a smile. i’d want you to pick and keep me in your pocket and i’ll keep singing the songs you love so much.

i am here in front of you right now, naked against your skin. i am hugging you, so tight because i’d never want to let go. as you lay against my chest, can you see me? can you hear me? just try to lose your sight and keep the vision. let the darkness swallow me and nothingness break me. and then make and mold me once again. i am the one for you and you know it. i am knocking desperately now, begging, banging on your door.

as you lay against my chest, can you feel that? that is the void where my heart used to be.

but can you hear this? this love i give you under my breath…







37 comments:

JoShMaRie said...

hayayay pag-ibig. nakakakilig. babalik ako pag nasa wisyo na ako para namnamin ang post mo lucas. :) nagparamdam lang muna ako. tc!

PROSETITUTE said...

all i can feel is bitterness, and rejection. very verbose mo. :) nakakakilig. hohoho

RJ said...

Whew! So this is how you express your LOVE!

What do you want for her?! Total enucleation?! NLP? To loose her sight, yet keep her vision?

What happened to your heart?! Oh my... Why is your chest empty now?! Who performed the cardiectomy? tsk, tsk, tsk...

Nice post, Roneiluke! (,"o

FerBert said...

pats you on the back

Sya ang nawalan..

hindi nya makita kung anong meron ka at kung anong kaya mong gawin para sa kanya..

kung naging babae lang ako.. pinikot na kita Ron para pakasalan mo ko.. hahaha

tiis lang muna.. mamumulat din yan.. o kung ayaw talaga nyang imulat ang mata nya.. tusukin mo na lang ng tinidor.. joke lang.

onatdonuts said...

"you’re the only one i want to share my bed with tonight."

NAKS, ang pag-ibig nga naman..haayy
hehe kaya pala lucas na ang name mo, binata kana hahaha

__________________

aba aba lucas na ang name mo, binata na, hindi na pang totoy haha
Panuorin mo yun, maganda...HOMERUN, a singaporean film. 2003 to nirelease. NApakaganda nito! nakakaiyak pa. huhuhu

Jake Tornado said...

Grabe.

Ang bigat.

'Yun lang.

Skron said...

Kinda of a morbid post but I know where you're coming from. Although most of the time. I think I'm the one who's blind.

------------------------------------
I don't like PSP games, and the games that I like on XBOX are usually ported to PC.

I'm a PC gamer for life.

joaqui_miguel said...

"somehow bitterness is the only way to get rid of the agony; the only way to learn how to let go."

In a way, i agree.

lucas said...

JM: always feel free to drop by :)

prostetitute: really? bakit ako hindi ko maramdaman? ahaha! thanks!

RJ: nope. actually, this is how i express boredom.

ferbert: ANONG NANGYARI??? BAKIT MY HELLO, GOODBYE? nilisan mo na ba ng tuluyan ang blogosperyo? hays...

i'll miss reading from you.

onat: haha! tapos nako sa pagbibinata kuya onat! haha! i'm turning 22 this dec. hahaha!

jake: mabigat ba? need help? ahehe!

skron: ahh..i see...you're more of a PC gamer pala.

joaqui: thanks :)

Dhianz said...

wow! 'la akong masabi.... ang galing tlgang magsulat... kung sino man yang girl na yan at mabasa nyah yan... aysowz... for sure she'll fall inluv w/ you.... graveh... galing moh tlgah magsulat... next time nga eh ipagpriprint koh yang mga post moh... hehe.. gaganda kc eh... hey really ur such a great writer... galing!... ang sarap i-compile 'tong mga post moh at pagsamasamahin at i-hard bound book..hehe... 'un lang... again wow! =) i'm a fan of urs...

ingatz lagi... GODBLESS! -di

lucas said...

actually 'the girl' does not exist...or not yet. ahehe! she was just a figment of my wild imagination. hehe! thanks alot...i really appreciate it...:)

uhmm..actually naisip ko din yun. i told my bestfriend, hales, that when i die, i want her to make this site into a book compilation. ahehe..got the inspiration from cruel intentions...ahehehe!

God bless you too :)

Dhianz said...

galing gumana nang yutakz moh... nde pa nag-eexist yan ah... pano pah pag nag-exist nah... 'la nah... malulunod na kme sa mga words moh...hehe... pag nag-exist yang babaeng yan.. swerte syah sau... naks... really i'm a fan of urs... galing moh kc eh... yeah kapag kinuha ka na ni Lord at ma-compile toh... eh tiyak bestseller toh... naks.. pero sendali bakit hintayin pa na kunin kah ni Lord para gawing book... ngaun nah as in now nah!...lolz... pero nde... mabubuhay ka pah nang mahabang mahabah... magkaka-anak ka pah at magkaka-apo...hehe... pero hey ur really good... u got talent... use it wisely... may ganon eh noh?...hehe... tc! GODBLESS! -di

Mugen said...

I wonder if you would be able to speak those words, when you're already dedicating them to someone. :)

jules said...

did u write this? gosh. if u did, u write so well!

Jules said...

shocks ikaw nga ang nagsulat!

JoShMaRie said...

lucas!!!! ako ay natuwa! pinanindigan mo ang pagiging LUCAS. hehehe. :) mas okay yan. mas may recall :)

lucas said...

dhianz: you think so? ahehe! sana nga. mas ok yun para mas dramatic ang effect. ahehe! maraming salamat talaga :)

mugen: ahehe! siguro oo. mas masarap magsulat if something you feel is based on reality, right? ahehe!

jules: AKO NGA! hehe! thanks for dropping by :)

JM: ahehe! thanks!

onatdonuts said...

wow december din pala ang birthday mo...parehas tayo .

bulitas said...

dear friend, should the eyes fail to see you, appeal to her other senses.
make her feel your presence, smell you intentions, hear the beats of your heart and taste the sweetness of your words. all the best!

eli said...

naks inlove si brother! haha

alam mo minsan masarap magmahal sa isip lang. siguradong di ka masasaktan, walang kaagaw. ikaw ang gagawa ng sarili mong love story--naku napagdaanan ko yan..hahaha

REDLAN said...

pasilip silip lang ako dito. bukas na ako magcomment. i printed out your post. pang bed time story kasi. di pwede nakaw basa sa office ang ganitong post. kasi naman medyo mahaba tapos, ayaw kung dumugo ang ilong ko sa office. lol. dapat basahin muna ng maigi bago mag-comment kaya till tomorrow lucas.

Reyn said...

Ron slash lucas:



This is one of your greatest posts! Hehe... I could imagine myself doing these to you-already-know-who... :P

gentle said...

blinded, or masuyong pagsusumamong "pansinin mo ako", ani lukas. hehehe. teka, bat nga ba lukas ka na?

lucas said...

onat: waaa! malapit na naman pala tayong tumanda! ahaha! peace out!

bulitas: dear friend, thanks to words of inspiration..ahehe! but again, i couldn't do those things when the person despise you right? ahehe!

ali: sounds a little desperate though...ahaha!

red: ahaha! nakakatuwa naman! parang take out lang ah? ahaha! nako sana makatulog ka ng mahimbing kung ganito ang bed time story mo..ahehe! thanks alot :) feel free to drop by anytime :)

reyn: wow...bitterness! hahaha! musta na?

gentle: ahehe...character yun sa one tree hill played by chad murray. magulo din kasi isip nun..ahehe...

PUSANG-gala said...

yan ang pinaka takot ko---ang mawalan ng either boses, pandinig or paningin. There's a lot to see and say kasi....but I guess when you lose one, you become more sensitive in the other and maybe it's better after all.....

sabi nga nung kanta.

isang bulag sa kamunduhan--ligtas ka sa kasalanan. tm?

KRIS JASPER said...

It is unfortunate that some people still judge the book by it's cover...

AND I'M ONE OF THEM PEOPLE unfortunately.

But my heart looks beyond what my chinky eyes couldnt see. So my reasoning is still balanced actually.

Chyng said...

ang ganda...

nwey, i still dont want to close my eyes. i want to experienced all of these with my eyes wide open!

REDLAN said...

Haha. nakalimutan ko sana basahin. Pagcomment mo sa post ko saka ko na lang naalala. Kaya kinuha ko sa bag ko at basahin. Hmmmm Kahit anong post mo bed time story talaga dahil mahaba siya. pampapagod at pampatulog except lang yung Halloween post mo(lmao). Pero nakakasakal ang post na to. hmmm. grabe ang tama nong gurl sau. balang araw maka move on ka rin. sana bumalik siya pero huwag mong hintayin baka maiwan ka sa tadhana. kaya goodluck.

Blue Rose said...

wow! very well said. galing magsulat ah. dadalasan ko nga pagbisita dito. i like your blog.

by the way, thank you very much for dropping by at my site.

istepf said...

lucas n pla h.. hehe.. lakas trip k tlga!=)

miss u much..♥

dabo said...

one time while having drinks with wandering commuter, i blurted: i am a writer, i live for love

hahaha.. it strucks him and then it hits me too after a second or two.

why did i said that? i don't know until i finished reading your peace.


tama, walang particular inspiration, minsan just product lang ng wild imagination

i know where you were coming from and when reality hits you, no words could match the joy and the pain.

ka bute said...

i wonder para kanino 'to?

lucas said...

pusang gala: ahehe...tama ka dyan. sabi nga sa bible gouge out your eyes, cut away your tongue or mutilate your hands if they're causing you to sin...

KJ: so is there any advantage for having chinky eyes??? hehe.

Chyng: tama nga naman. ahehe! mahirap ang walang nakakakita. why do people need to be superficial? hmmm...

red: ahehe! hindi ka ba pinatulog nung halloween post ko? ahehe!but anyway-highway, fiction lang po ito...ahehe!

blue rose: sure:) always feel free to come by. thanks very much...

steph: haha! pinangatawanan ko na! haha!

dabo: ahehe! i couldn't agree more. we are writers and we all live for love...well, it doesn't hurt to try and decode and describe love by using words... :)

kabute: para sa lahat ng nasasaktan dahil sa pag-ibig! ahaha! ANG KORNI KO!

ruff nurse-du-jour said...

posts like these stem up from previous experiences right?

if that's the case, let me give you a hug. :-)

TENTAY™ said...

i am the one for you and you know it. i am knocking desperately now, begging, banging on your door.

-good luck lucas. if it's your true love, she'll open the door for you, without the need of bangin' it.

=)

lucas said...

ruff: it's not but thanks! ahehe!

tentay: i agree in a way. love is not something forced.

~ Dyilyan Dyosa~ said...

aw. sweet and sad. sob. i feel you.