You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


25.11.08

life in shading boxes


HALEY, TOGETHER WITH OTHER GAZILLION NURSE ASPIRANTS will be taking the national licensure examinations this coming weekend. i know exactly what they’re feeling right now. i remembered taking the boards five months ago (time is running freaking fast!). it was a very grueling and pressure-filled experience. i am just thankful that i was able to pass them, unscathed and with sanity intact…or so i thought.

when i was about to take the boards, it was not the examination day that was tough, it was the anticipation. i am a worrier. a lot of negative things gets inside my head that i sometimes think i have an anxiety disorder of some sort. but i couldn’t help but feel anxious. i was just not prepared when i took the examinations that could dictate the fate of my professional career.

it was barely three months before the day of the examinations when i experienced my first heartache caused by a very bad break-up from my very first serious and very dysfunctional relationship. i mean what kind of person would commit into a relationship and then suddenly disappear without showing a face? gosh. i sound so bitter. hehe! but anyway, i was broken and those days were the darkest times of my life. i just lost it; the concentration and my focus, especially when the examinations were looming closer. i kept asking why now? why did it have to happen at this crucial moment? it could’ve happened after the exams, right?

my head was all over the place. i attended review sessions to force medical stuff into my dried sponge of a brain and went home after, not to study, but to drown myself into the imaginary lives of people in tv series instead. the building pressure and the crushing pain my heart was putting me through drove me to the edge. i don’t want to use the term suicidal but something close to it described what i was feeling. it was tough and i used the lamest ego defense mechanisms known to psychology to cope with my struggle. but i had to bring myself back into consciousness and pick the pieces up. i thought i was too late.

it’s a full whole week before the examinations when i finally stood my ground and decided to leave my house and join a group study at a friend’s dormitory. i couldn’t study in my room. my pale pink room held memories that could easily pull me into melancholy, driving me mad. it’s true that the good memories are the ones that dig deep and become hurts. i did the right decision to be in a new environment to study and had friends around me to share my struggles with. for the first time i saw a clearing in my twisted thinking. i successfully bombarded my brain with the essentials i needed to learn and review. i only had 2 hours to sleep everyday. it was a race against time but somehow, the quantity of information didn’t mattered. it was the drive. and i held on to it as long as i can and as much as my heart wanted to crumble from inside me.

then the day of examination came. i took the test as doubts hovered over me and the hypnotic heat of the examination room forced my mind to give up and just sleep. after two days of answering multiple choice questions and shading boxes (at times bite my pencil in the hope of coming up with the correct answers), and long hours of dueling with my mind, my heart, my self; after months of waiting, i finally stood triumphant. i passed the test.

passing that test meant a lot to me. it somehow meant that i have proven myself of something. i thought and felt that i was being a mediocre, and yet i passed. my heart was breaking the whole time and yet i was able to hold my head held high. i am strong. our mind would sometimes tell us that we are weak but it’s all in our heads. life is a series of tests. everyday, is a battle, and the mind is the battlefield.

hales, if you’re reading this, i hope this may inspire you in a way. like i said, it’s okay to feel laxed, (or be disarrayed in my case). brilliant minds don’t need much bombardment! haha! you just need to give your best shot and be sure to sharpen your pencils well. hehe! you’re one of the smartest people i know. there’s no way you could fail the exam! (i’m no longer hearing a lot of this anymore which makes me strangely happy. hehe!). i’ll pray for you.

guys! let’s give hales (and all those who will take the boards) a shoutout, shall we? go, hales! nail it! and top it! :) i’ll be waiting for your treat after your exams, especially with my birthday coming up. hehe! a movie treat (i am thinking of ‘twilight’) would be highly appreciated as well. haha!

peace out!


39 comments:

PUSANG-gala said...

out of the topic to RON ha but I just wanna ask the question bago ko pa basahin yung story u today----at bakit LUCAS>??? why Lucas? is the your real name mate?

Mys Lyke Meeh said...

Geezz---remember my dayzzzz at the peak of my board examzz, it was really a roller coaster! Yet, if you have faith above and to urself... u can make it!

Aim high, don't settle for the passing score---baka madulas yung passing score ng one point, delikado--kaya aim mo yung 100 percent, tiyak pasado ka!Avoid mo yung anxiety and stress! ---

Hmnn---God Bless!

Dylan Dimaubusan said...

GO HALES! R.N. ka na!

uno mi kumento ei?

i felt that also. that kind of anxiety before the exam. except of course the break up and the pain it caused you, but look at you know and what you've become despite the heartaches..

anyway, the thing is, i happen to experienced 3 consecutive accidents before the exam, pero di nman detrimental at grabe.. naisip ko lang na may kapalit ang lahat nang yun.. na papasa ako!

after the test it was like my subconscious mind is still prayin while i'm asleep.. nakaka-adik, one week pa nun before malaman ang result, but that was the longest week in my entire life.. nyaha!
looking back..

Bless you, your career and ur lovelife!

cheers!

Ely said...

Kaya ayoko mag-take ang board eh. hehe

My brother is taking the exams this weekend too. I wish the best for him, and Hales!

Fjordan Allego said...

buti ka pa, pagkatapos ng challenge na yun, naging matagumpay ka pa rin. samantalang ako, hindi ko yata kinaya kaya ayun, nagkabagask bagsak ako last sem at hindi ako makakagrad this march dahil sa kagaguhan ko tsk tsk..

http://fjordz-hiraya.blogspot.com

onatdonuts said...

gud luck kay hale...good luck din sa insan kong magte-take ng exams hehe kayang kaya niyo yan! gayahin niyo si kuya lucas niyo, nakapasa. minani yung exam. hehe

Chyng said...

I know the feeling too. And i thought wrong timing ang DENGUE that I got TWO WEEKS before the board exam. Worse yung sayo, a heartbreak. Mas nakakaloka yan.

And waiting of the result, mind breaking! haha

GO Hales!

Lance said...

wow... haley is cute huh.. hehehehe
goodluck to her and to your movie treat!

RJ said...

Board examination is much better than shading the boxes in the Tests of Life, I reckon.

In the boards, we have time to prepare, to review before the examination. But in life there's no review session, it's a test right away.

In your love life, it's even worse, I think. You have no other 'choice' but to shade the only box saying "...broken and these days will be the darkest times of your life." In this case, I myself couldn't consider it a bonus multiple choice test question!

Congratulations nga pala! Good luck kay bestfriend Hale mo.

KRIS JASPER said...

awww.. nice that you havent turned bitter. If it's me, nah... Anw, I have taken the board exam twice and it's true... success is sweet if you work hard for it.

Good luck to them then.

Reyn said...

GL Haley, nail that Boards! Haha...


Sayang I wasn't able to meet you while I was in Laguna. Siguro next time, pag nagawi ulit ako sa lugar nyo :)



Ron, para kay Haley yan ah! Hehe..

REDLAN said...

May bago naman akong homework or bed time story to read later tonight. I'll be back here tomorrow for the comment. Hope okay lang sau.

istepf said...

im the first to comment! haha.. himala ito! ;)

yap, reading this make me recall those dreadful days of reviewing.. hehe.. time really flies, had it been 5months already?Ü good thing we were able to pass it..=)

to ate haley, my groupmates, classmates and friends: goodluck guys! study hard but pray harder.. ;)

antay n lng kmi ni nald ng mga treat nyo h, we're just a text away!=)

madjik said...

Good Luck Everyone.

november taker din ako ng board.

and I hated the waiting part din dati..

haley james said...

...luke, i love you.Ü

...I can never thank you enough. I feel like crying right now, because what you just said is completely true. the anticipation becomes worse every single day before the exam. Just like you, i am having anxiety attacks (hahaha! I need constant tree hill and explosions in the sky music just to keep me functioning well...Ü)specially 'coz i haven't studied as hard, as serious and as painstaking as my batchmates did...

...thank you for believing in me,
thank you for this post,
thank you for being an inspiration,
thank you for being my bestfriend...

...I hope you can come by before I go to manila, i miss you so much!and I am up for the treat!Ü...


...hay, to everyone who's gonna take the TEST with me. keep the faith, we can make it and be RNs next year (haha! easier said than done, whew!) God bless,Ü...

...haley.Ü

Mugen said...

Buti na lang at hindi ako dumaan sa ganyang exams. Nakakapressure nga siguro. Nakita ko yung tension sa mga kaibigan ko na kumuha ng civil eng exam.

~ Dyilyan Dyosa~ said...

congrats! :) sweet!

xxxborgexxx said...

compartmentalize your emotions so you could easily shut doors when you need them shut like when you need to study or you need focus at work or you're having sex. don't keep everything in one place inside your head so if you decide to think of something, you can shut up all the rest :) cheers, you might not need the advice after all. you conquered what needed conquering.

PUSANG-gala said...

a very bad break-up from my very first serious and very dysfunctional relationship---is something that you really can't afford during abig exam like this.....

...haha. but you are okay now Ron ayt? don't be bitter now mate, keke

PUSANG-gala said...

I enjoy examinations....and interviews and speaking in public,,,....but of coarse I also felt the pressure during my licensure examinations. Was part of the thrill...

I hope Hale the best---and all aspiring nurses who will be atking the exam....

Reyn said...

Ron, you looked "kalma" lang nung nakita kita after the Boards..hehe...that's what we call "partida"...

REDLAN said...

Busy rin ata si Lucas ngayon.

REDLAN said...

Uy, sana okay ka lang ngayon. Ako medyo ako na rin. Kulang lang talaga ng pahinga.

REDLAN said...

Kaya nakalimutan ko basahin ang bedtime story.

REDLAN said...

Naging newspaper ang post mo dahil kaninang umaga ko na lang binasa habang naga almusal.

REDLAN said...

Grabe ha, naging positive ang effect ng break up mo sa pagkuha mo ng board. obviously, smart people are always smart.

REDLAN said...

naalala ko last week, nagpabili ang niece ng officemate ko ng red underwear para suotin niya the day of the exam kasi nursing grad rin siya. swerte raw magsuot ng pula kapag kumukuha ng exams. ngayon ko nga lang nalaman yan. lol

REDLAN said...

kaya goodluck sa friend mo na si hales. uy grabe ang deal mo ha. sana ang condition is ikaw ang maglibre sa kanya kapag makapasa siya at kung hindi siya manlibre sau para may pursige na tinatawag. alam mo naman ang ending nyan, siya pa rin manlibre sa'yo. teka panu kami? hehehe

ka bute said...

i hate exams. hehehe. gudluck to her. :)

bena said...

buti nlng talaga wala kaming board exam na yan kc kung hindi kahiya talaga sa family ko if makulelat ako.. hihihi.. but sure it's gonna be worth the experience din noh..

Denis said...

hay im back na din. cute ni haley ha. goodluck haley aka ron's girl hehe

Blue Rose said...

good for you ron. tama yan wag damdamin ang kabiguan. ehemmmm... nagsalita daw ako noh! noong nabroken hearted ako, it takes years (mga 7 years ata yon) before ako nagcommit for another "serious" relationship at nag-asawa.

anyway, goodluck to hale.

eli said...

hi..naku naalala ko tuloy nung sumabak din ako sa board! balitaan mo kami kung anuman ang result ha.
uy wag mo i-perfect baka isipin nila ngcheat ka! hahaha Godbless!

may sagot ako sa tanong mo sa last post ko. tnx

alex said...

awwww

sweet mo sa bestfriend mo ^^

REDLAN said...

uy, ano nangyari?

REDLAN said...

okay ka lang?

REDLAN said...

bakit di ka na nagreply sa mga comments mo? hehehe

REDLAN said...

hope you're okay. Happy weekend!

JoShMaRie said...

kaya naman pala parang may kulang. hindi pala ako nakakadaa dito nitong mga nakaraang araw. good luck sa beshy mo and to all na kukuha ng board exam. ;)


good morning lucas!