when i was about to take the boards, it was not the examination day that was tough, it was the anticipation. i am a worrier. a lot of negative things gets inside my head that i sometimes think i have an anxiety disorder of some sort. but i couldn’t help but feel anxious. i was just not prepared when i took the examinations that could dictate the fate of my professional career.
it was barely three months before the day of the examinations when i experienced my first heartache caused by a very bad break-up from my very first serious and very dysfunctional relationship. i mean what kind of person would commit into a relationship and then suddenly disappear without showing a face? gosh. i sound so bitter. hehe! but anyway, i was broken and those days were the darkest times of my life. i just lost it; the concentration and my focus, especially when the examinations were looming closer. i kept asking why now? why did it have to happen at this crucial moment? it could’ve happened after the exams, right?
my head was all over the place. i attended review sessions to force medical stuff into my dried sponge of a brain and went home after, not to study, but to drown myself into the imaginary lives of people in tv series instead. the building pressure and the crushing pain my heart was putting me through drove me to the edge. i don’t want to use the term suicidal but something close to it described what i was feeling. it was tough and i used the lamest ego defense mechanisms known to psychology to cope with my struggle. but i had to bring myself back into consciousness and pick the pieces up. i thought i was too late.
it’s a full whole week before the examinations when i finally stood my ground and decided to leave my house and join a group study at a friend’s dormitory. i couldn’t study in my room. my pale pink room held memories that could easily pull me into melancholy, driving me mad. it’s true that the good memories are the ones that dig deep and become hurts. i did the right decision to be in a new environment to study and had friends around me to share my struggles with. for the first time i saw a clearing in my twisted thinking. i successfully bombarded my brain with the essentials i needed to learn and review. i only had 2 hours to sleep everyday. it was a race against time but somehow, the quantity of information didn’t mattered. it was the drive. and i held on to it as long as i can and as much as my heart wanted to crumble from inside me.
then the day of examination came. i took the test as doubts hovered over me and the hypnotic heat of the examination room forced my mind to give up and just sleep. after two days of answering multiple choice questions and shading boxes (at times bite my pencil in the hope of coming up with the correct answers), and long hours of dueling with my mind, my heart, my self; after months of waiting, i finally stood triumphant. i passed the test.
passing that test meant a lot to me. it somehow meant that i have proven myself of something. i thought and felt that i was being a mediocre, and yet i passed. my heart was breaking the whole time and yet i was able to hold my head held high. i am strong. our mind would sometimes tell us that we are weak but it’s all in our heads. life is a series of tests. everyday, is a battle, and the mind is the battlefield.
hales, if you’re reading this, i hope this may inspire you in a way. like i said, it’s okay to feel laxed, (or be disarrayed in my case). brilliant minds don’t need much bombardment! haha! you just need to give your best shot and be sure to sharpen your pencils well. hehe! you’re one of the smartest people i know. there’s no way you could fail the exam! (i’m no longer hearing a lot of this anymore which makes me strangely happy. hehe!). i’ll pray for you.
guys! let’s give hales (and all those who will take the boards) a shoutout, shall we? go, hales! nail it! and top it! :) i’ll be waiting for your treat after your exams, especially with my birthday coming up. hehe! a movie treat (i am thinking of ‘twilight’) would be highly appreciated as well. haha!