You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


16.11.08

of masks and bus rides


I LIKE TO TRAVEL, but for someone who wants to explore the world and wander to the both ends of it, i fear being lost the most. every time i end up to an unfamiliar place, anxiety wells up from inside that corrupts my mind, feeding the fear that embraces me. i know i can ask for directions but somehow i feel hesitant, probably because i am used to be the one who usually give the answers---answers to questions about the pathophysiology of a certain disease entity or on dilemmas of life, of love, and so on. people treated me to be the know-it-all and somehow i embraced the role and agreed to wear the mask they had made for me. i had realized that the more it lingered on my face, the harder it gets to wear it off.

i became an actor of some sort; a great one. as i played the main role, i became the leader material, the straight-a student, the artist. it felt great at first. i was stereotyped and the prejudice was very hard to break. people were looking up to me like a person who can do virtually anything; as if i was invincible, conveniently ignoring the fact that i was supposed to bleed somewhere. i am no superman and yet the red-caped hero has kryptonite as his weakness.

i continued my act on the stage and realized that the disguise was somehow liberating. there was a kind of freedom where i could do anything with the character i chose to play. i was able to make an image of myself i thought was better than the real me. i had no idea that i was doing the same for others. It turned out i was not able to see people for who they really are but for what i wanted them to be instead. i was being corrupted. i tried to humble myself by appearing humble, but deep inside i knew that my head was floating up in space.

but like all plays and tragedies, the show was bound to end. the transition was not easy. the mask weighed on me, eager to pull my face to the ground. suddenly, i wanted people to know me for who i really was and not as the image seared in their heads. as the feeling of greatness left me, i became very vulnerable. i was weak and scared. i didn’t know what’s scarier: the ugly person i was becoming or the face behind the mask. the confusion spiraled to mediocrity till i completely lost control, and yet the label across my chest still burned. i was pressured. i suddenly found my self living up to what people expects of me. but when i did, the promise of happiness was nowhere to be found. i had learned that fake people are sad people.

i love to travel and still try not to get lost. whenever i ride a bus, i would look out and watch as places and people pass by. it was like watching a series of images; a blur of colors and lights. whenever the bus halts, i tend to closely observe people outside. in someway it felt like watching a series of frames from a movie happening in real life and in real time, from a front-row seat. as alternative music played on my ears, i am curious to find that most people look weary. i could tell through their eyes. they are like walking zombies, but more importantly, they look lost. empty. i always wonder if their faces mirror mine and if someone out there wears the mask i once wore. but one thing’s for sure: there are a lot of impostors out there and i was one of them. maybe i still am… riding on this bus towards an unknown destination, uncertain if i’d ride it to the end.





38 comments:

gentle said...

ang deep. wag shado magpaka deep, ang lines sa face, madaling magshoshow cge ka.

RJ said...

I think we're on the same bus! I'm just seated behind you, i'LL now start to take all my masks off so you can identify me! o",)

This is another reality of life!

RONeiluke, RN said...

gentle: hehe! marami naman akong stock ng botox dito sa bahay! hahahaha!

RONeiluke, RN said...

RJ: wow...astig! libre mo ako ng pamasahe! hahaha!

istepf said...

of masks.. nainiwala akong lhat ng tao, at some point of their life, have worn their mask.. iba't-ibang klase pra sa iba't-ibang dahilan, iba't-ibang sitwasyon.. whats important is at at the end of the day, alm nla that it is still much better to take that mask off, and show the world who they really are.. ;)

of bus rides.. love to travel too!=) ok lng sking maligaw bsta my pera sa bulsa! hehe.. mhirap n, bka d n mkauwi p..=)

..miss ko agd ung huling music mo,, napaltan mo n pla..Ü

ka bute said...

mahirap magtravel ngayon... mahal pa pamasahe eh. har har har. emo dude ah.. (--,)

haleyjamesÜ said...

...LUCAS,

...i agree, that was indeed very deep. i know that there is an undeniable truth in every word; so, i want you to remember, you can always be real with me.Ü I understand perfectly how that felt, in more ways than you know...

...i miss you, lapit na exams.=(

...love, HALEY.

RONeiluke, RN said...

steph: i couldn't agree more! :) ang saya naman talaga! suki ka na sa blog site ko. hehehe! gumawa ka na rin ng sayo para makabalita nman sayo :)

nako mahirap talagang gumala ng walang pera! hahaha!

ahhh..yun ba? hehe! dami nga ngandahan dun. medyo nagsawa nako eh..di bale balik ko minsan :)

hays...miss na kita :(

kabute: nako tama ka dyan...bekit kasi wala pa ring hybrid cars dito sa pinas..hehe!

hales:

HALES,

do you know how much i'm missing you right now? hays...nakatambak na yung tree hill dito sa bahay. i was thinking of crashing by your place yesterday kaya lang naisip ko baka nagrereview ka na ng puspusan...i'll see you before you take the exams... :)

you're one of the few who really know me :)

muah!

alex said...

i hope you'll realize the destination of your bus soon ^^

ako rin i love watching people from the bus window and i have the same feeling as you do...

maybe it's just that a lot of us are not really contented of what we have, or we're taking things for granted, or a lot of people are not really strong dreamers (they dream yeah but no action)

maybe that's why a lot of us look empty...

~Kinesics said...

Ron Kalbo :) I really like your writing...it's very deep. I get crazy reading through it :) and thats a good thing! :)

I think it's ok to wear the mask...guard your heart...as long as you know who you are- thats what matters. Wherever the bus takes you, make sure you TAKE THE REAL RON with you. People reach their real destination if they carry themselves with them and know how to look back and learn from their past.

Lastly,

have fun with the ride! :)

~kinesics

madjik said...

sometimes kasi its easier to wear the mask and just go with the flow.

just dont forget to remember what mask is on from time to time!.:p

Chyng said...

hello ron!

malayo o malapit, it's the journey that's impt. so enjoy lang!

tara, san next destination naten?

Looking For The Source said...

nosebleed ako. tissue please.

Ely said...

hayop! talent kung talent!

I was so into "how you wrote it", that i forgot to understand what you've written. LOL

wanderingcommuter said...

dude, getting lost is a part of the travel. if you get lost then enjoy the walk where you look you way back...

eli said...

mama....sa tabi nalang po! nakalimutan ko yong maskara ko. holdaper po ako! hahaha

nice writing about life. your really great!

uso ata ang maskara ngayon! :-)

REDLAN said...

nun, takot rin ako maglayag mag isa. lagi na lang ako nakabuntot sa pamilya, nakadepende sa iba.pero natutunan kong tumayo sa sarili, gumawa ng sariling desisyon and i found happiness. kaya ko rin pala. magawa ko rin pala. ganun yun. masarap mag adventure at maglayag para sa sarili minsan.

dito sa blogsphere ganun rin. natatakot ako na may katapusan rin dito pero i learned to enjoy what blogworld is offer. it has a lot to offer. Nakaka enjoy.

talented ka pala sobra hindi lang sa pagsulat at pag story telling. pero feeling mo warrior is a child ka. hmmmm. enjoy mo lang.

Dylan Dimaubusan said...

wow. every words uttered were so deep that my mind would probably get lost in your profound thoughts.

one way of saying that you're a stranger in a every stranger's lives.

but every individual are destined to take off their masks and identify themselves somehow at some point in time..

teka, nakakahawa naman ang pagka-poetic mo. ako ba ito? lolz

Abou said...

ayoko ng mga biyahe.

me motion sickness ako.

istepf said...

hehe, napapadalas n nga ako,, pg my libreng oras, binubuksan ko plagi.. mnsan dumdalaw din ako s mga kaibgan mong bloggers dito,, natutuwa kc akong mgbsa.. well, im more of a reader than a writer.. ;)matagal ko n din nrealize n hndi ko field ang pgsusulat..=) and im ok with that..Ü

miss u too..=)

lapit n exam ni ate haley,, ;)
blitaan mo ko pg pupuntahan mo sya, bka mkjoin ako,, pra mkita ko din before sya mgexams.. oki?=)

mwah,,♥

JoShMaRie said...

ang lalim mo lucas. hindi na naman kita maarok. hehe.

----
namiss ko tuloy sumakay ng bus. masayang mabuhay ng walang maskara pero minsan di yun maiiwasan. katulad yan ng pagpapanggap na masaya ka pero hindi naman talaga. at syempre nakakatuwa ang mga tao na mahal ka pa rin nila kahit di ka magsuot ng maskara. :)

gravity said...

we all get tired and lost sometimes. yet we still need to keep on going, hoping that someday we'll see the light of day. =)

Lionheart : Richard the Adventurer said...

ei Roni... Hehe :) wala lang...

Ang pagtatravel, parang buhay... ANg buhay, parang nagtatravel ka lang.

hehe :) Actually, nagpaparamdam lang ako. I am back!

RONeiluke, RN said...

Alex: I couldn’t agree more… they look empty because deep inside their hollow…

Kinesics: hehe! Kelangan tlga may kalbo sa pangalan ko. Hehe! Well, ang bilis tumubo ng buhok ko. I’ll be visiting the barber soon :P

Thanks for your kind and positive words. I really appreciate it 

Madjik: the sad thing is, people usually forget that they’re wearing a mask.

Chyng: truly, happiness is usually found along the way, not necessarily on the destination.

Looking for the source: hehe! Naubos na. hehe!

Ely: pwede ba yun? Haha! but thanks anyway. It’s cool your back.

Wandering commuter: that’s the thing… may memory gap na yata ako. Hehe! I have a poor sense of direction. Hehe!

Eli: MAY HOLDAPER! Hahaha! Tayo lang naman yata nagpauso eh…sa ibang araw mascara para sa mata naman! Haha! ang korni ko!

Red: truly, one can find happiness in solitude. It’s somehow liberating to journey alone and be independent. But sometimes it’s scary. The more we become free, the more responsibilities we gain on our shoulders…

Dylan: very well said. Hehehe! Kaw yan! Hahaha!

Abou: dati may motion sickness ako. Kahit naman ngayon eh lalo na kapag matapang yung air-freshener! Hehe!

isteph: suki na nga kita eh! hahaha! salamat sa pagsuporta :) actually balak ko pumunta next week...gusto mo? sabihan mo ko kung anong day ka pwede :)

nako ang dami mo ng comments hindi ko na alam kung saang post mo nilagay..hehe! saka ko na replyan yung iba ha? hehe!

love you!

JM: i totally agree...we pretend sometimes and wear a tough armor. the best talaga yung mga ganung tao. loving you for who and what you are :) thanks :)

gravity: very well said :) thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

lionheart: parang multo lang ah? hehe!

Fjordan Allego said...

lahat naman yata talaga tayo nakapagsuot na ng maskara at patuloy na may isinusuot na ganto.. ewan ko lang, pakiramdam ko kasi ganito, parang kahit tayo mismo, hindi rin natin kilala ang sarili natin. Parang, pag sinabing nating ganito tayo, darating din yung point na masasabi nating 'hindi pala tayo ganun'.. para bang walang assurance lahat.. parang sa ngayon ganito tayo and after tomorrow, pwedeng magbago tayo at ang maskara na suot suot natin...

a ewan!

hahaha!

wag mo na lang seryosohin hahaha! nag-iisip na naman ako ng kung anuano.. tsktsk..

http://fjordz-hiraya.blogspot.com

JoShMaRie said...

yan ang gusto ko sayo lucas! marunong kang tumingin ng totoong maganda! wahahaha! :) oo si kuya onat nga yun. :)

RONeiluke, RN said...

fjords: i think we are dynamic individuals including our personality. the good thing is we can choose the person we want to be, by wearing masks or none at all...

JM: hahaha! good thing i have an eye for true beauty..hehe! o baka lumaki na ulo! haha!

KRIS JASPER said...

we often hide behind a mask and say things others would ONLY like to hear...

That's what I am in this relationship...

istepf said...

next week,, hmmm.. monday kc punta kmi prc, susubok ulit mgpregister, hehehe.. sna payagan n,, anyway, tues or wed cguro nxt week, would that be fine? let me know oki?..=)

hehe.. lito k n b? hehe, ayos lng po.. meron p nga ko comment s mga older posts mo.. hehe.. gudluck tlga syo..=)

miss you.. love you too..♥

RoNald said...

wow nice naman. I enjoyed reading but I forgot to took off my mask. grrrr. di ko tuloy mabasa lahat. :)

sunny said...

ahahaha! well, i love d drama of this post, the struggle for 'humbleness",hahaha! dude, loosen up, there might be downside for being such but you were created to be like that,wahaha! ya knw, the 36flava of life,youre 1-of-a-kind...that's your personality simula pa nun 24months old ka,lol...nakikiangas lang parekoy....my point is yan na eh, yan ka n tlga,lol...basta keep on rocking wag k lang mangtatapak ng ibang tao and try to level up with others, un lang,lol magandang araw!

RONeiluke, RN said...

steph: oo! sobrang lito nako! haha! but thanks alot!

sana naman payagan ka na para naman sipagin nakong magseminars at mag-apply! hahaha!

sige next week ha? morning :)

miss you!

KJ: being transparent in a relationship i think would be better though...

ronald: thanks, ronald mcdonald! haha!

sunny: thanks for those kind words...hehehe!

PUSANG-gala said...

i had learned that fake people are sad people.---that's true RON.

...but I also agree that we have to fake it sometimes. At whatever angle you wanna see it, it's really a sad life and if you don't know how to fake a smile, you're dead.....

PUSANG-gala said...

I love being with my friends and my family because I don't have to pretend whenever I am with them. I just have to be myself......

Trying to be the person you are not drains you a lot of energy and denies you the happiness of being with yourself.......

Mugen said...

Babalikan ko ito Ron. Just to say my heartfelt thanks for the "get well" messages you commented on my blog. Ingat ka lagi. Looking forward to read your posts.

RONeiluke, RN said...

mugen: sure mate :) so magaling ka na ba? feel free to drop by anytime. peace out!

pusang-gala: hahaha! akala ko kung sino na yung dumaan na pusa. kaw lang pala hehe!

very true...i believe that happiness is a choice and that life will suck if you make it suck...hehehe!

thanks alot mate :)

istepf said...

nald! waaaahh! nkpgpregister n kmi! yipee! buti n lng hndi kmi luhaan umuwi! hehehe..=)

nald, wed n lng tyo punta, morning dw kc my pasok p din pla te joi.. txt mo n lng ako kc bka d ko agd mbsa reply mo, mgmovie marathon n lng tyo s knila! hehe..

c u..♥

lucas said...

steph: wow! good for you! so pwede ka na rin magseminar! weee! balitaan mo ako ah kung plano mo.

sige sa wed na lang...may pasok xa sa morning??? hmmm..ano ba daw sked niya? hapon tayo punta? what time?

gege..txt kita kapag nagkaload ako..ahehe