You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


14.8.08

invisible


I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE… i want to escape just for awhile. just this one night. i just can’t seem to bear this ugly feeling that freezes my heart over…my mind…my soul. i just don’t know what to do. i tried to run as far from this feeling as possible, but still, it has a clever way of finding me. sometimes, i think, this is part of who i am, but i can’t tolerate such thought because it disgusts me. i am disgusted down to my very core.

paranoia is a very ugly feeling. i am afraid of it. terrified. and now i am both afraid and terrified. it was a dead end for me. nowhere to run. the only thing that i could do is step back, turn around, and find another way out, but there was none. i’m in a box. i am no claustrophobic though. i just feel alone. a prisoner left to die. i shackled by own hands, my own feet and threw away the key. and now i sit here in the hope that my words could help me through the night. i hope more words would come. they are the only ones who could save me.

i don’t like my thoughts right now. the thoughts seemed like winged demons that haunt me, that strangle me. faceless and very eager to leave me breathless. dead. i don’t want to think, because every thought is a poison. a deadly poison. paralyzing. numbing. numbness is the only benefit i could see from thinking. in that way, i would not feel anymore. and by not feeling there is so sense. and by being senseless, pain would not be able to find me. i would be invisible. pain will not be able to pierce my heart and what’s left of its broken pieces that i have tried to pick up for five months. i think i am successful of fixing it, but i don’t trust my thoughts anymore, perhaps just this one night. i am scared of every thought for every thought is like a ghost, a nightmare, an ominous sign.

how i wish i could vomit my thoughts, like how i tend to vomit when i accidentally eat rotten left-over foods in our cramped fridge. how i wish there was an anatomical connection between my brain and my digestive tract. if there was, and i’ll be able to sick off my thoughts, i wonder what they would look like. will they be winged like i have imagined them to be? will they be in solid form? in liquid? gas? what will their color be? black perhaps? yes. i think that’ll be their color. the darkest shade nature could muster. something impenetrable by any light. yes. black, because nothing could be darker to what i am feeling and thinking right now. at this very moment, my thought and my feelings are one. one entity. they have joined forces to enslave me and kill my one last light left. i hope there’s someone out there who could fan my flame and kindle the remaining light…

i am glad that unconsciousness is looming near. i will finally sleep. this is my favorite form of escape for the peace it yields calms the spirit, and the calm quiets the noise in my head. i want to sleep, uncertain if i would still want to wake up. sleeping is the one thing that could help me now, besides these words written by my fingertips. i feel some finality in sleeping, for as i close my eyes, it seems like i am having a final glimpse of the world before drowning in pitch black darkness. that once i close my eyes…there will be no turning back. i’m on the edge of sleeping now… the thoughts now seem very distant and quiet like a vast expanse of open sea… peace within my reach…

i decided to read what i have written so far. i have no intentions of making anyone feel like i do… but they were so sad… the words… the night seem so dark tonight, and the moon casts a hazy glow… i am so sad, for beside the burden that torments me, i am losing hope that there would still be anyone or anything that could be a balm to my troubled soul…

i can’t hold them any longer. they are burning my eyes. i guess i’ll just let them flow. let the cold air dry them on my face as i close my eyes to sleep… it’s alright to cry tonight, i guess.

---

"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."

--Lucas Eugene Scott, One Tree Hill


23 comments:

joaqui_miguel said...

"it’s alright to cry tonight, i guess."

Yes, buddy. It's ok to cry tonight. Cry and let them all out. For when they will be out of your system, they cannot enslave you anymore. This will pass. :)

Aethen said...

You feel very low. Don't let this feeling eat you. Seek the Light, never let darkness take advantage over you even a moment.

Yeah. Cry. Let it flow, it will
lessen the heavy feeling inside. Savor it also.

Hope you'll feel okay. :)

leviuqse said...

hey emo mode ka ah!

i hope you get better, cry it out!

odin hood said...

ako rin i want to be invisible.

last night umiiyak ako. i cried until i fell asleep. buti na lang i fell asleep haaay sarap matulog. tama ka on what you said about sleep:

"this is my favorite form of escape for the piece it yields calms the spirit, and the calm quiets the noise in my head. i want to sleep, uncertain if i would still want to wake up."

Eyprille said...

I really find it amusing and even amazing to know such a male blogger like you exist. I mean...just the way you freely express yourself unlike any other guys out there is kind of...hmmm...different? Basta...haha! I know madami talaga ang magagaling na bloggers or male bloggers. But most of them speaks of stuffs na either to make money thru their blogs or just about anything in specific.

Oh well, I hope you'll feel better and be able to face any issues regarding yourself. I may not know anything about you or how you feel, but I truly sympathize. If you want to let go of those awful thoughts, if they are, why dont you write them down including those that you feel bad about. Then burn them away or bury them down. Or try to assess why those things keep bugging by..again, writing them down...then try to think of things on how to deal with them. Maybe it can help you out...hehe...Good luck.. :D

orangemonk3y said...

"Prayers work best when nothing else works at all." :D

Lance said...

The truth will set you free, bro...

hehehehe

keep it cool..

nice talaga nang article na to..

cheers!

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

you were wishing for a quicker connection between your brain and GI track?

How about between your brain and your respi (specifically your nose?)? At least you could try to sneeze it out (whatever it is that's bothering you)

dabo said...

no offense ha.. while reading this, rhihanna's disturbia is playing on the fm hehehe

--- --

tinay said...

c r
y.



if not if not, pick a pebble and throw it as strong as you can. i used to own a slingshot, i use it whenever i feel bad. :)

whimsy loneliness is a dick. make it squirt ;)

wanderingcommuter said...

dude, now is the time that i think you need to eat sweets and chocolates.
rainy season just started and you still have a long way to go to feel this feeling. i think you need to brighten up once in a while.

cheer up!

Juz said...

felt alone?

sudden sadness inside out?

....

quiet. dull. no one around?

....

been there..
its hard ryt?

hope ul be better!

wow! RN! finaly opened ur site..

boying said...

tulog muna at siguraduhing gumising kina-umagahan...

Mugen said...

When nightmares are close, I pray.

Hugs.

spongebabe said...

are you being emo because postponed ang showing ng "half-blood prince" to July 2009?

wait lang ha, ikukuha kita ng blade.

hehehe.

TENTAY™ said...

hey wat's happening, mukang emo ka din... wats bothering you?

teka, i have read one of your comments, nagaaply ka ng callcenter? sabay tayo? lol. job hunting ulit ako....

babay blogging muna.. take care. =)

rimewire said...

--

emo amp

hakhak

elyens poreber

XXXxx

Blacksoul said...

Thats d exact feeling im feeling right now.Very detailed and i feel that.

Blacksoul said...

Appy ka rin callcenter??
Saan bA Maganda?

MagPepeople Support ako eh Sana Matanggap.

yoshke said...

emo much? hehe

it'll get better. cry it out. :)

Bryan Anthony the First said...

musta ang allergy?

dabo said...

ala lang..parang disturbing ang post na ito.. tapos eksaktong ngaplay ang kanta ni Rhianna..ayun di na disturbing lol..

Roland said...

hayz... iyak mo lang... pag tapos na u... tayu tayo ng club... inyaki club... nagiging iyakin ako lately eh. haha.