I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE… i want to escape just for awhile. just this one night. i just can’t seem to bear this ugly feeling that freezes my heart over…my mind…my soul. i just don’t know what to do. i tried to run as far from this feeling as possible, but still, it has a clever way of finding me. sometimes, i think, this is part of who i am, but i can’t tolerate such thought because it disgusts me. i am disgusted down to my very core.
paranoia is a very ugly feeling. i am afraid of it. terrified. and now i am both afraid and terrified. it was a dead end for me. nowhere to run. the only thing that i could do is step back, turn around, and find another way out, but there was none. i’m in a box. i am no claustrophobic though. i just feel alone. a prisoner left to die. i shackled by own hands, my own feet and threw away the key. and now i sit here in the hope that my words could help me through the night. i hope more words would come. they are the only ones who could save me.
i don’t like my thoughts right now. the thoughts seemed like winged demons that haunt me, that strangle me. faceless and very eager to leave me breathless. dead. i don’t want to think, because every thought is a poison. a deadly poison. paralyzing. numbing. numbness is the only benefit i could see from thinking. in that way, i would not feel anymore. and by not feeling there is so sense. and by being senseless, pain would not be able to find me. i would be invisible. pain will not be able to pierce my heart and what’s left of its broken pieces that i have tried to pick up for five months. i think i am successful of fixing it, but i don’t trust my thoughts anymore, perhaps just this one night. i am scared of every thought for every thought is like a ghost, a nightmare, an ominous sign.
how i wish i could vomit my thoughts, like how i tend to vomit when i accidentally eat rotten left-over foods in our cramped fridge. how i wish there was an anatomical connection between my brain and my digestive tract. if there was, and i’ll be able to sick off my thoughts, i wonder what they would look like. will they be winged like i have imagined them to be? will they be in solid form? in liquid? gas? what will their color be? black perhaps? yes. i think that’ll be their color. the darkest shade nature could muster. something impenetrable by any light. yes. black, because nothing could be darker to what i am feeling and thinking right now. at this very moment, my thought and my feelings are one. one entity. they have joined forces to enslave me and kill my one last light left. i hope there’s someone out there who could fan my flame and kindle the remaining light…
i am glad that unconsciousness is looming near. i will finally sleep. this is my favorite form of escape for the peace it yields calms the spirit, and the calm quiets the noise in my head. i want to sleep, uncertain if i would still want to wake up. sleeping is the one thing that could help me now, besides these words written by my fingertips. i feel some finality in sleeping, for as i close my eyes, it seems like i am having a final glimpse of the world before drowning in pitch black darkness. that once i close my eyes…there will be no turning back. i’m on the edge of sleeping now… the thoughts now seem very distant and quiet like a vast expanse of open sea… peace within my reach…
i decided to read what i have written so far. i have no intentions of making anyone feel like i do… but they were so sad… the words… the night seem so dark tonight, and the moon casts a hazy glow… i am so sad, for beside the burden that torments me, i am losing hope that there would still be anyone or anything that could be a balm to my troubled soul…
i can’t hold them any longer. they are burning my eyes. i guess i’ll just let them flow. let the cold air dry them on my face as i close my eyes to sleep… it’s alright to cry tonight, i guess.
"As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone."
--Lucas Eugene Scott, One Tree Hill