You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


11.8.08

scratch

MY CLOCK TELLS ME IT’S ALREADY ONE FIFTEEN in the morning. it’s a really cool clock.; red against the pale pink wall. there are no numbers on its face, just markers so you could tell the time. cobwebs were already formed, which seem very eager to stop the arms of the clock from turning. eager to stop the time. well i hope they can.

this post has nothing to do with clocks or cobwebs (which i might say are more persuasive than my mother when it comes to cleaning my room). my insomnia seems to have gotten worse as the days pass. sometimes, i find myself unconsciously, looking blankly at my clock, desperately hoping it could doze me off to sleep. so lame of me.

three nights ago, i finally felt drowsy and sleepy at around 9 o’clock in the evening. i would be sleeping early! (woohoo!) it was a good sign, i thought, that my body had finally found my circadian rhythm again. not yet.

the universe seems to conspire and prevent me from having a goodnight sleep. i was on my comfy bed under my blankets, warm against the cold brought by my air conditioning unit. with damien rice on mp3 player, i finally dozed off to sleep. i was really optimistic that i would be having a sweet dream that night (no more me pulling my teeth out), but no sweet dreams nor nightmares for me, but something worse. something more difficult to tolerate than pain…

i felt an itch on my chest…then an immediate action….an impulse….an instinct…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

feels really good to scratch something itchy, like having a sore, decayed tooth removed, or successfully squeezing a big pustule of a boil in your butt or acne on your face.

scratch…scratch…scratch….

i could imagine my face while doing it. it was like being on a weird sexual plateau.

scratch…scratch…scratch…

i was thankful i didn’t cut my fingernails short yet. i was very equipped to give every itch a good, satisfying scratch…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

but something went wrong. every scratch of the itch felt great at first, but the itchiness seemed to notice that i was enjoying myself. perhaps, it realized that i do not deserve such pleasure. the itchiness had gone worse, up to the point that scratching became ineffective. the more i scratched, the more the itch grew worse…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

the itchiness had to stop. i need to sleep… but my hands seem to act on their own accord…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

the itchiness won’t budge. it won’t let me sleep.

scratch…scratch…scratch…

then, the itchiness spread throughout my body like wildfire, metastasizing like cancer on to my neck, abdomen, my armpits…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

then, my back, my pubes, my ass…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

it devoured my thighs, my legs. ..

scratch…scratch…scratch…

it consumed almost every surface and crevice of my body, leaving me helpless, and a slave to my own long-finger nailed hands…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

i couldn’t do anything with it except to scratch. the red clock was bearing witness to my struggle and it just hung there, indifferent, listening to my every whimper. the itchiness now seemed to be beyond my skin…

scratch…scratch…scratch…till grew tired and fell asleep.

it was ten in the morning the next day; the same itchiness woke me up. i ran to the bathroom in a desperate attempt to wash it away with soap and water. and i stood there facing the bathroom mirror. grossed out. my chest and abdomen were so inflamed, as if someone had deliberately sprayed me with red paint. dark red spots could be seen around my arm pits, and my back was graffitied with clusters of red islands. i could see the scratch marks all over my body. for the first time, i felt the pain from the where the skin had broken. i took a bath, while suffering the sting of soap and water against the impaired integrity of my skin. then, i immediately ran to the drugstore to buy celestamine—an anti-inflammatory, anti-allergic, and anti-pruritic drug. i was having an allergy i should have known better.

allergic reactions are caused by allergens—substances considered foreign by the body and which triggers the body’s defenses by releasing chemical substances in the bloodstream, mainly histamine, which causes the redness, inflammation, and itchiness--in medical term, pruritus. antihistimines, like celestamine, usually counteracts allergic reactions. but what caused my allergy? i blamed my facial and chest hairs (which i have no plans of shaving), my bed sheets (i changed them immediately), the safeguard soap (i switched back to belo), and the egg i ate that night (i doubt this is the culprit. i love eggs.), but until now the itchiness is still there, less severe though, due to my medication. global warming didn’t help either (like it has any benefits). hot temperature and sweating seem to aggravate my condition. when i sweat i could actually feel the creeping sensation the itch makes, followed by goose bumps that usually starts from my neck to my upper extremities, forcing my hands to scratch. but i know better now. i cut may nails very short (so short they now hurt too) to prevent myself from making further damage on my skin…

it’s now 3:10 on the clock, and i could now feel an itch developing on my neck again. how i wish i could scratch it this one time. but no. i guess i will just now take my medication and hopefully unconsciousness would take me soon…

scratch…scratch…scratch…

29 comments:

yoshke said...

so you still dont know what caused it? hirap naman nyan. sabe nga nila, matitiis ang hapdi, ang kati ay hindi. wahahaha

boying said...

antihistamine, cetirizine...
Vit C...

tulog?

salingPUSA said...

Ron, mukhang ganado ka magsulat lately. Nice articles. Maybe you should write a book. seriously....

leviuqse said...

allergies!
ugh! i can imagine the stings when you showered.

now i wanna scratch me self too

ika said...

nangati rin ako bigla. lolz.

yung belo soap, na-allergy ako. as in. parang yang nangyari sayo.

RONeiluke, RN said...

to yoshke: naku...hindi pa nga eh..huhu! nangangati pa din ako ngayon...hays...pain is more tolerable than an itch! chronic itch in my case...thanks for your comment...

to boying: i'm sorry hindi ko nagets yung comment mo...xenxa na medyo slow ako minsan...but thanks for reading m post...

to salingpusa: ahaha...wala lang magawa maliban sa pagkakamot...hehe! wow...a book? i dream of writing..sana magkatotoo..thanks!

to leviuqse: hahays...ang hapdi talaga...kung pwede lang wag hawakan kaya lang sobrang kati...makikamot ka na din! ahaha!thanks!

to ika: ganun??? hindi kaya ayaw matanggal kasi nagbebelo ako...hmmm...nako makapagpalit na nga uli ng sabon..thanks!

odin hood said...

insomniac ka rin pala... the best solution para sakin pag di makatulog ay di ako matutulog hahaha mag-online na lang ako or manood tv kaysa ma-stress ako sa kakapilit matulog...

baka naman shingles na yan... check mo if nasa isang side lang ng body mo yung rashes (like kung nasa right side lang lahat or nasa left?)

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

you had allergies? with what? are you sure it's not chickenpox?

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

anyway, i hope you wont have any infections... TC.

infinity8 said...

I think I'm not allergic but whenever I got an itch, I scratch a lot. O.o Eh maputi pa naman ako, 'pag nangangati ako, I have huge red marks all over my arms (Dahil sa arms ako lagi nangangati.. Hehe..)..

joaqui_miguel said...

hey, hope you will feel better soon. :)

Mugen said...

Buti na lang nawala na yung rashes ko sa bandang left torso. Tagal ko rin pinagtyagaan to. HEhe.

boying said...

haha. ako nga, e. nang tiningnan ko ulit 'yong comment ko napa-isip ako ng malalim. hindi ko rin naintindihan. haha.

recommend ko na lang sa'yo si Dr. McFitch. hehe.

Lance said...

i, too, have allergies.. it usually wakes me up during wee hours in the morning and will immediately rush to the doctor because i would have hard time breathing.. now, i would take extra extra precaution about eating seafood, or anything from the sea, excluding only the small and common fishes available in local market.

spongebabe said...

ako allergic din a alikabok. tsaka sa mga mayabang. tsaka sa mga pa-demure at pa-cute na mga kolehiyala na mga wala namang utak. hahaha.

dabo said...

im using belo right now (pero babalik din ako sa perla) hehehe.. gusto ko sya kasi matagal matunaw..

baka allergic ka sa pagtulog talaga...wahehee joke..

--- --

seriously, this a good piece wahhh naiingit ako ang galing ng pagkasulat..

the menace said...

ang kati na rin dito. nagkkamutan na kame. hahaha

Roland said...

napakamot ako bgla... bakit kaya ganun kapag kinakamot mo mas lalong kumakati... may kasabihan nga dba, pag makati daw palad mo ibig sabihin magkakapera ka daw... eh sa katawan ang sa yo.... naku baka sex life yan! ..may mababaliw sa katawan mo, hahaha.

sama akong sampu!

Bryan Anthony the First said...

check your airconditioning filter, might be mighty dusty...

get well soon!

acey said...

hi, ron! i hope the itch is gone now. maybe you're just allergic with the products you're using (lotion? soap?). baka sensitive ang skin mo and you need something that doesn't have harsh chemicals. :)

RONeiluke, RN said...

to odin hood: hays, sobrang insomniac tlaga ako, lalo ngayon na there's nothing to do at home. gusto ko sana maginternet hanggang sa makatulog ako eh wala naman kami ineternet...i'm renting. hehe! Shingles?!!! hindi...di ba malalang version ng chicken pox yun? o measles...i forgot..thanks for your comment..i'll be writing your tag soon... :)

to kris jasper: no, i don't think it's chicken pox...chicken pox usually starts with fever and flu-like symptoms, skin develops with water-filled papules...hehe! baka nga allergy..pa-chek-up ako this week...thanks, mate!

to infinity: nako sinabi mo pa! maputi din ang skin tone ko kaya ang sagwa sagwa niya...very obvious...urgghh...you're allergic to what?

to joaqui miguel: thanks alot...i hope so too...

to mugen: hays...good for you...ako medication and i'll be seeing my doctor this week..baka kung ano na to eh...thanks for visiting...

to boying: that happens to me...A LOT! hahaha! so you're a technician or something? yeah, i know him...cool doctor...thanks for the referral...

to lance: wow...so you're allergic to seafood...hmm...you're having severe allergy when you experince difficulty of breathing...allergic reactions tend to close or constrict your wind pipe...take extra precaution...thanks for your comment, mate...

to spongebabe: hahaha! sino bang hindi allergic sa mga ganun...i hate girls when they act that way...i don't know why...pareho tayo...dust makes me itch...thanks!

to dabo: wow...pareho pala tayong nag-bebelo...perla? masubukan nga minsan. kaya lang natatakot ako kasi di laundry soap yun...hehe

---

waaa! you flatter me...i love the way you write too, seriously...lalo na kapag may pagka-emo ang tema...thanks very much!

to menace: hala! hindi nga??!! haha! ako ba may kasalanan?..hehe! thanks for visiting...

to roland: sex life?!!! waaa! sana ay magdilang-anghel ka! hahaha! mas maganda kung may kasama na ring pera! sampu? ang dami naman...hehe! sana ok na pagtatae mo..haha!

to bryan anthony: might be...pero bakit ako lang...tatlo kami sa kwarto eh...o mas sensitive lang ako? hehe! thanks very much...

to ms. acey: wow. that was exactly what my mom said...ahehe...the itch is still there but not compared to what had happened that night...im on medication...adik na nga yata ako..hehe! thanks very much!

boying said...

@roneiluke, rn:
nood ka pala ng one tree hill? ilang gabi naming hindi tinulugan 'yan ng brother ko. umaabot nga kami ng madaling araw, e. umabot kami hanggang season four.

tsaka 'yun ding "desperate housewives". 'di rin namin tinutulugan iyon ng kapatid ko. mas na-bore pa nga kami sa "heroes", e. hindi namin tinuloy.

ang kinababaliwan niya ngayon ay prison break. pero, hindi na ako nakakanood kasi andito na ako sa manila. tsk. tsk.

Abou said...

prone din ako sa kati sa balat. buti na lang na discover ko ang dermovate, isang pahid lang, agad na e ease

he he nag endorse ba

Richard the Adventurer said...

Pruritus 'yan! (Medical term for itching!)

Hehe :)

Try any antihistamine... If you want derecho ang tulog mo... Try mo Iterax!

RONeiluke, RN said...

to boying: waaaa!!! hays sa wakas! may nakarelate na rin sakin about one tree hill...hehe! ang galing no? dati nga 5 am nako natatapos manood...sobrang adik ko! maganda rin yung "desperate" kaya lang mas gusto ko pa din yung earlier seasons...yung heroes hindi ko na naituloy...ang tagal ng interval eh,,,natamad...prison break ang top. 4 sa lahat ng paborito ko...very well written ang story..cool twists! hehe! thanks for visiting again...

to abou: DERMOVATE??? waa! salamat sa pageendorse...bibilihin ko na PRONTO! ahehe! thanks for your comments...

to richard: halatang hindi mo natapos basahin yung entry..ahehe! but that's ok...thanks for visiting...are you studying health sciences?

Jake Tornado said...

Kakatakot naman yan! One time I ate nothing but chicken. I slept and woke up at about 3 AM and found myself scratching like hell. Doc M had to rush to a drugstore (his anti-histamine supply got short). Grabe, I don't want to go through that ordeal again.

dazedblu* said...

Geez, more scratches dear :) better ask a derm to consult tht itch.

napundingalitaptap* said...

metastasizing>>>sosmaryyowsep...

o well, try mo kayang wag magisip minsan, baka sakaling makatulog ka ng mas maaga-aga... ahaha.

hmmmmmm, at sabi ko bilang isang sikolohista, ISIP, ang ISIP...makapangyarihan yan.

ako pag may mga allergic reaction tseneling, itinutulog ko lan...hehe.

o well, o well, o well. . . wala naman something which troubled my mind habang nagbabasa until now, maliban lan sa PINAKAUNA KONG SINABI SA COMMENT KO... hasos!

napundingalitaptap* said...

oh well, kinakati din pala ako...

told you, ang ISIP... ahaha!

anyway, may mga lamok talaga sa area where i am sitting nayun...so yun!

parang kinati kasi yun mga rraders mo...ahaha!

who's to be blamed?ahaha!

flyfly!