You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


6.8.08

die, ron, die!

I WOKE UP LATE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, at around 2 pm. yes. very late. my insomnia have been very eager to eat my eyes out for five consecutive nights already. the rainy season didn't help my condition either. the cold weather pinned me to my stinking bed. i had no choice but to sleep hoping a higher power wakes me up.

and i woke up. looked at my crypt-keeper-look-alike reflection on the mirror. the bags under my eyes were screaming. i don't blame them. i was so hungry i could eat anything. i ate two hot dogs, scrambled egg, rice (lots of it), and of course, my creamed coffee. nothing much happens during my ordinary days. i went to the computer shop. blogging has always been the highlight of my life lately. after i went home from the shop, i chilled on the sofa, and stared blankly on what the television set had to offer when i started to feel the weight on my eyes. the high level of serotonin in my bloodstream, due to excessive consumption of carbohydrate, made me drowsy, i thought. i wanted to fight it. i just woke up. but the cold weather and my eyes overpowered me till i gave up. and then there was darkness...

i was with my best friend joy in front of a washed-out concrete building. i could remember a cat prowling on the stairs leading to the entrance. there was a sporting event that night (something connected with the upcoming olympics but i think we're nowhere near beijing). we talked about applying for a job in a certain call center agency, and then we went to a nearby stadium. the stadium was big but nothing compared to beijing's 'bird's nest'. we entered the stadium through an underground entrance concealed by white tarps. joy led the way...and then i felt it.
i felt an itch. not pain. i felt an itch on my gums that holds my right lower canine (pangil in Filipino). it was an impulse that i couldn't resist. an instinct. i was shocked to see my self desperately pulling the tooth from my gums. i could taste warm blood pooling in my mouth. it was a relief though. strangely, there was no pain, almost ecstatic instead. i could remember the feeling of having a tooth removed using a thread. i held the tooth in my hand. joy was sitting before a nearby white, square, monobloc table. there was a bottle of coke on it. she was talking to someone i do not know. i sat opposite her. i couldn't talk, trying to prevent the blood and saliva to flow out through my trembling lips. i tried to tell her what i have done by looking in her eyes. but she just gave me a puzzled look. i had to empty my mouth. i grabbed the bottle of coke, ran away to somewhere i couldn't remember...it was 9 pm on my timex already.

i opened my eyes, and stared blankly on my wall. i could still feel the sensation on my gums where my right lower canine is rooted. and i was relieved that the tooth was still there. solid. firm. i touched it. puzzled. apprehensive. and then, i tried to have a hold of everything i could remember from the dream. but like all dreams and faces of ghosts, the more i try to remember, the more i forget. it was like holding on to something soaked in oil. slipping away. falling away. fading away.

i have always known that losing a tooth in a dream is an ominous sign--a death omen, like snakes, coffins, ravens, and spectral dogs. but i never believed it, any of it. my intellectual never tolerated such pathetic thoughts. i never believed in such non-sense. i am a man of science and a man of faith, but not on those stuff. i am never a fan of the supernatural but i admit i am afraid of ghosts--things i haven't seen. the unknown. however, the dream left me a little anxious, apprehensive, scared?

after sharing the dream to my tita percy, he told me to stay at home, and that telling the dream was a bad idea. i did not ask why. those to whom i shared the dream told me weird things to counteract the omen. ego told me to bite my pillow (eew! not the saliva-stained one!), pj told me to bite anything made up of wood (i was in the net shop when he told me this. hehe!), tita percy told me to knock on them instead (tok! tok!), and nanay told me to pray (the best advise i took. hehe! and because it's not a weird advise.). at first i was a little hesitant to go out but boredom finds me at home. perhaps that's the reason. perhaps death thinks i am bored with my life and decided to take it instead. creeps.

i remembered kris jasper's poll asking if i would want to know the exact date of my death. hell, no. i don't want to live the rest my life in anxiety and in the thought that i will die soon. i don't want to see my self as a ticking time bomb. i don't think i could take the drama. even if there's a death omen or not, if it's your time to die, then it's your time. i do not believe in superstitions because i believe in God and that he is the only one who knows everything, down to the exact second i will breathe my last breath.

now i think. i am afraid to die, i guess. perhaps because of the unbearable pain that usually precedes it. but mostly because of the uncertainty of what will happen next. the unknown. i believe in the afterlife and it is the one thing, i think, that makes the thought of dying bearable. mastering death is the acceptance that death is inevitable, and that death is the foundation of life.

sometimes, i wonder; how will i die? will i die in a vehicular accident (classic..hehe!)? gunshot on the head (instant. almost painless.)? fire (so slow)? but i am more curious to know, what happened to the tooth i was holding, back in my dream. too bad, i couldn't remember, and never will...

---

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death..."

-- JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

38 comments:

KRIS JASPER VAN DYKE said...

aint sure if this (very) long post is about death, dying, depression, insomnia or "tooth".

lol.

tina said...

Death is merely continuation at another level. Its just the physical body that dies.. but your soul/spirit remained untouched.

i suggest you read what dreams may come by richard matheson. =)

TENTAY™ said...

Heyy! U'r a HP Fan! Based on your last quote, and previous post... (but dont get the impression that I didnt read your whole post because I did finish it.) =)

Anyway, dreaming of losing a tooth is a bad omen, that's what the elders told me. And yes, I got that advise too (biting a wood) and I did it just to play safe I guess? Luckily, nothing bad happened. =)

As far as I know, it's not you (the dreamer)who will die, but someone close (KNOCK ON WOOD). And if it's a molar tooth (bagang? sory di ako dentist hahahaha)...

That's why life is like a rosary, full of mystery (korni ahaha), you won't tell when will you blow it big time.

--------

Anyways, I added you on my links, lakas mo sakin eh. hahahha. =) daya ako wala pa eh! hahahahah

Chyng said...

until now it still bothers me a little when i saw a missing tooth in my dream..

Abou said...

tayaan mo kaya sa lotto ang yung napanaginipan. ano ba ang numero ng patay, malay natin swerte pala hatid nito sa yo he he.

balato ko ha.

mrs.j said...

so anu ng sagot sa invites and for the record hindi me galit okay?

penngwen said...

My mom told me that having a dream of losing, aching or pulling of teeth means you need to go to the dentist :)

Skron said...

Sure, man. I'll add you to my blogroll as well.

tinay said...

let's die happy deaths. i mean, let's live so well that death won't be something we won't look forward to.



ps
i recommend you listen to CocoRosie. They make you feel so alive. youtube them kumbaket nagiging bugaw na ako nila. haha.

the menace said...

whoa! talk about some one day chronicles in webby ink! hahah


jon's song is sentimental to me. hehehe

spongebabe said...

don't worry, i've had lots of "teeth" dreams before and no one died. ^_^

salingPUSA said...

Humans are afraid of things they cannot understand. we are afraid of death not because of the pain it entails but the uncertainty of what is to happen next.....

Sabi nga nung isa kong kakilala. He is afraid of dying coz it's going to be his first time just in case. Yes, there are things in life that happens only once. A point of no return, that idea scares the hell out of each and everyone of us....

Mugen said...

All I'm asking is that I'd live long enough to serve my mother. After that, I'm ready to go. :)

wanderingcommuter said...

some actually say that you need to bite a bark of a tree... i did it once and it was quite embarassing because a neighbor saw me doing it. hahaha

Eric said...

Insomiac ka pala...same here dude....I have been combating this since then.....

TENTAY™ said...

hmp may chizburger nga ako wala naman ako sa links paren. hahahaha. parang bata eh no. hnmp!!!

RONeiluke, RN said...

gosh...thanks for the comments everyone...ang dami ng updated blogs hindi ko mabasa...i'll read you post tomorrow...ciao!

the donG said...

ako sana peaceful yung pagkamatay ko. hirap yung ibang mga sitwasyon. tulad ng nasabugan, chinop chop, tinorture...

mrs.j said...

:P

caryn said...

man, that is one surreal dream! i've heard about those supperstitions connected with teeth in dreams. someone told me to bite on a piece of wood. weird huh?

pray ka na na lang. i hope nothing untoward happens to you.

RONeiluke, RN said...

to caryn: really weird...one of my most remembered and surreal dream experiences...someone actually told me to bite the bark of a tree (thanks to wandering commuter) i'll stick with praying...thanks alot...

--wow...isa kang emo! hehe! hays...ganyan tlga ang buhay. same thing happened to me. she just disappeared. i tried desperately to find her. until nalaman ko she's already happy with someone else...they have gone scared. and didn't even try to explain...so insensitive..hehe! im adding you to my roll...

leviuqse said...

it's strange i've had the same dream of losing a tooth for 3 times na..... last one was last week. nothing happened naman and so far everything massively good is coming on my way hehe, mabuhay ang THE SECRET ni rhonda byrne!

anyways, death is indeed a scary thing, but if we think about it, it's in the endings that something becomes more meaningful.....

Lance said...

why do we forget dreams sometimes, especially those good or weird ones?

prinsesamusang said...

i always have dreams about loosing a tooth! i am still very much alive though.

RONeiluke, RN said...

to levisque: wow...that's comforting to know...at least it minimizes the probability that i'll die soon...hehe!

THE SECRET was really intriguing book...guto ko basahin kaya lang wala akong mahiraman..can't afford to buy one too..hehe!

that's very right..let live our lives to the fullest!thanks for visiting...

to lance: that's really an interesting question...we forget the good ones, perhaps, so that we will not dwell on them and forget how to live, i guess..thanks!

to prinsesang musang: wow...buti na lang...hehe! that was really comforting to know..thanks for commenting!

kalansaycollector said...

may post akong about death dati at nacurious na rin ako kung paano ako mamamatay. haha.

acey said...

hmph. where did my long comment go?

RONeiluke, RN said...

hala ms acey, wala po akong narereceive na bagong comment from you...my comments are moderated and i would never reject any comments from you...baka sa iba napunta..:(

anyway thanks for dropping by again...hays...i'm done celebrating. i need to work! hehe! the gov't offices need to upgrade...as in super upgrade! hehe! i'm sorry again..

to kalansay collector: what's the title of your post??? cool... i'll check it sometime...thanks for commenting...:)

bena-yot said...

oh my! im also having this sleeping issues lately which bothers me a lot coz i really feel so withered not getting enough sleep each day.. and regarding dreams of ur teeth getting extracted is bad daw.. go check it dali in dreammoods.com so you'll know the meaning behind that.. i actually got scared when i found out its interpretation coz I had dreams like that too.. kaloka!

jericho said...

alright. creepy. hehe. or maybe your dream just tells you it's time to go to the dentist? or stop eating sweets? hehe

RONeiluke, RN said...

to bena-yot: hays...kaw rin pala may problema sa pagtulog. parang gusto ko na ngang bumili ng sleeping pills eh..hehe! umeksena pa yung allergy ko..huhu! anyway thanks for the tip...titignan ko agad...thanks for your comment....

to jericho: nako eh hindi nga ako makabili ng chokolate! huhu! nakakamiss yung paborito kong cadbury...pero magpapatingin ako sa dentista next week..thanks!

Ely said...

hmmm, wala pa ako dream about pulling my teeth off. lumilipad lang talaga ako sa panaginip ko, hehe

napunding alitaptap... said...

hangdameng comment. . .hardcore!

oh well, akala ko magiging vampire ka sa dream, or better called nightmare mo. . .

ahaha, no jowk . . .akala mo pipigilin mong makasipsip ng dugo ng tao. . .so folkloric. . .i s*ck. ahaha!

hmmmmmmmm, ako, dumudugo ang ilong ko hindi ngipin.wahaha. . .hmmmm, sa totoo lan, bahagya kong sinusumpa ang ingles na blog(may naaalala kasi ako sa old blogging days ko, hehe) pero. . .hmmmmmm, mahusay ka ha, napapabasa mo ako!

anyway, DASAL LAN. . . maaalala ko, umiiyak ako dati kasi natanggalan ako ng teeth, MADAMI. . .at nagngangawa ako, sabi ko pa "mommy, daddy, ang ngipin ko, PAANO PA AKO MAGIGING MODEL NITO" no jowk. . .it really happened(sa panaginip nga lan)! ahaha!

flyfly!

RONeiluke, RN said...

to ely: wow...ikaw na lumilipad sa panaginip! KABOG! haha! parang si clark kent lang ha? hehe! anyway punta ka sa freammoods.com if you're curious kung ano ibig sbihin ng panaginip mo...thanks for commenting!

joaqui_miguel said...

I guess, it can be said that fearing death is human nature and not fearing it is sometimes considered weird. It goes with the teritory that we fear the unknown. Nobody really knows what happens after death because no one really came back to tell us about it. As most suggested, let's just live our life to the fullest. We'll never know when we will go, but when it's our time, whether we dreamt of out tooth being extracged or not, we should just be ready to say we did a good run. :)

RONeiluke, RN said...

to napunding alitaptap: waaaaaaaa!!! you're back! ang tagal mong di nagparamdam..lumipat ka lang pala ng istasyon..hehe! cool makeover!

nako naipon lang akng comments kasi wala na akong magandang maisulat...wlang inspiration..hehe! anyway, maraming salamay sa compliment. good to know at napapabasa kita..hehe! i'm curious though what happened in your old blogging days...hehe!

waahahaha! nakakatawa naman ang panaginip mo..tlgang pangarap mong maging model? ahehe! pero ang maganda ay buhay pa rin tayo kahit na sangkatutak na ngipin ang mawala sa mga panaginip natin.hehe!

thanks for visiting again! vampires are cool!

to joaqui miguel: kung may patimpalak ang blog ko kung sino ang may pinakamagandang comment as IKAW NA ANG PANALO! wow..thanks for the insight, and thanks for the time you had spent to think, and share your thought...ciao!

Roland said...

modern na tau dapat di na naniniwala sa mga pamahiin... but oftimes such dream could serve as a warning or reminder.

ur mom is absolutely right... prayer is the best shield we could rely on when something happens.

i leave you with this quote:

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies within us while we live." -Norman Cousins

RONeiluke, RN said...

ahehe...i don't believe it either pero sa daming kababalaghan na nangyayari sa mundo, i can't help but be a little apprehensive about it..ahaha!

yeah...sa lahat ng pwedeng gawin...prayer is definitely a sensible and effective way...

nice quote by the way.

i appreciate the comment...thanks!