die, ron, die!

I WOKE UP LATE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, at around 2 pm. yes. very late. my insomnia have been very eager to eat my eyes out for five consecutive nights already. the rainy season didn't help my condition either. the cold weather pinned me to my stinking bed. i had no choice but to sleep hoping a higher power wakes me up.

and i woke up. looked at my crypt-keeper-look-alike reflection on the mirror. the bags under my eyes were screaming. i don't blame them. i was so hungry i could eat anything. i ate two hot dogs, scrambled egg, rice (lots of it), and of course, my creamed coffee. nothing much happens during my ordinary days. i went to the computer shop. blogging has always been the highlight of my life lately. after i went home from the shop, i chilled on the sofa, and stared blankly on what the television set had to offer when i started to feel the weight on my eyes. the high level of serotonin in my bloodstream, due to excessive consumption of carbohydrate, made me drowsy, i thought. i wanted to fight it. i just woke up. but the cold weather and my eyes overpowered me till i gave up. and then there was darkness...

i was with my best friend joy in front of a washed-out concrete building. i could remember a cat prowling on the stairs leading to the entrance. there was a sporting event that night (something connected with the upcoming olympics but i think we're nowhere near beijing). we talked about applying for a job in a certain call center agency, and then we went to a nearby stadium. the stadium was big but nothing compared to beijing's 'bird's nest'. we entered the stadium through an underground entrance concealed by white tarps. joy led the way...and then i felt it.
i felt an itch. not pain. i felt an itch on my gums that holds my right lower canine (pangil in Filipino). it was an impulse that i couldn't resist. an instinct. i was shocked to see my self desperately pulling the tooth from my gums. i could taste warm blood pooling in my mouth. it was a relief though. strangely, there was no pain, almost ecstatic instead. i could remember the feeling of having a tooth removed using a thread. i held the tooth in my hand. joy was sitting before a nearby white, square, monobloc table. there was a bottle of coke on it. she was talking to someone i do not know. i sat opposite her. i couldn't talk, trying to prevent the blood and saliva to flow out through my trembling lips. i tried to tell her what i have done by looking in her eyes. but she just gave me a puzzled look. i had to empty my mouth. i grabbed the bottle of coke, ran away to somewhere i couldn't remember...it was 9 pm on my timex already.

i opened my eyes, and stared blankly on my wall. i could still feel the sensation on my gums where my right lower canine is rooted. and i was relieved that the tooth was still there. solid. firm. i touched it. puzzled. apprehensive. and then, i tried to have a hold of everything i could remember from the dream. but like all dreams and faces of ghosts, the more i try to remember, the more i forget. it was like holding on to something soaked in oil. slipping away. falling away. fading away.

i have always known that losing a tooth in a dream is an ominous sign--a death omen, like snakes, coffins, ravens, and spectral dogs. but i never believed it, any of it. my intellectual never tolerated such pathetic thoughts. i never believed in such non-sense. i am a man of science and a man of faith, but not on those stuff. i am never a fan of the supernatural but i admit i am afraid of ghosts--things i haven't seen. the unknown. however, the dream left me a little anxious, apprehensive, scared?

after sharing the dream to my tita percy, he told me to stay at home, and that telling the dream was a bad idea. i did not ask why. those to whom i shared the dream told me weird things to counteract the omen. ego told me to bite my pillow (eew! not the saliva-stained one!), pj told me to bite anything made up of wood (i was in the net shop when he told me this. hehe!), tita percy told me to knock on them instead (tok! tok!), and nanay told me to pray (the best advise i took. hehe! and because it's not a weird advise.). at first i was a little hesitant to go out but boredom finds me at home. perhaps that's the reason. perhaps death thinks i am bored with my life and decided to take it instead. creeps.

i remembered kris jasper's poll asking if i would want to know the exact date of my death. hell, no. i don't want to live the rest my life in anxiety and in the thought that i will die soon. i don't want to see my self as a ticking time bomb. i don't think i could take the drama. even if there's a death omen or not, if it's your time to die, then it's your time. i do not believe in superstitions because i believe in God and that he is the only one who knows everything, down to the exact second i will breathe my last breath.

now i think. i am afraid to die, i guess. perhaps because of the unbearable pain that usually precedes it. but mostly because of the uncertainty of what will happen next. the unknown. i believe in the afterlife and it is the one thing, i think, that makes the thought of dying bearable. mastering death is the acceptance that death is inevitable, and that death is the foundation of life.

sometimes, i wonder; how will i die? will i die in a vehicular accident (classic..hehe!)? gunshot on the head (instant. almost painless.)? fire (so slow)? but i am more curious to know, what happened to the tooth i was holding, back in my dream. too bad, i couldn't remember, and never will...

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"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death..."

-- JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows