hit and run

I SAT THERE. waiting. i didn’t know what to feel. excited perhaps. but i think i was more nervous than excited, because for the first time i would be alone with you at last. i was perspiring. the heat there in the city was different from where i came from. i was in your world. i was excited to be in your world because you live in it. i think it would be really nice if we could both live in your world together. but your world makes me perspire. it was so hot. even the air-conditioning unit of the place where i stayed, while waiting for you couldn’t penetrate the heat. sweat was cascading from my pores, like miniature rivers…

thirty minutes had passed and the sun was steadily setting, coloring the skies in red and casting long shadows on the streets full of people. people who seemed miserable. people on fast-forward. people running against time. why were they in such a haste? the sight made me uncomfortable. felt like i need to move too, not just to sit on that already moist round, white-painted chair. it was growing steadily dark outside, intensifying the colors of lights from shops, speeding vehicles, the red, orange, and green color of the stoplights. what took you so long? where are you now?

i was staring at the busy street when i saw you. i couldn’t forget the pink top you wore. it looked good against your skin. and of course the smile. your shy smile that made me smile, revealing my not so white set of teeth. you sat opposite me and gave me that shy smile again. i hated you for it. you made me so happy.

we decided to feed our hungry stomachs and you lead the way. because it was your world. i am new to this place. i was glad you were there so you could tell me where to go. so i won’t get lost. but you didn’t know where to go and the thought that we’re lost made me strangely at bliss. i could face the fact of being lost, as long as i was with you. it was a sweet thought. being lost in your world. something new at last. enough of my monotonous life. but i know in the end we would find our way back. our way home.

we were able to eat at last. i have learned that you prefer sprite to quench your thirst. what have you learned about me? do you still remember my favorite color? my middle name? my favorite food? do you still remember how i smile? or how i walk? how i hold and play with your hands? how i look into your eyes? your eyes bothered me a lot because i could not get a firm hold onto them. they were constantly moving in their sockets as if looking for something. i was there in front of you. and i asked you to fix your gaze into mine because i was telling you things. beautiful things that came from my heart. i asked you to look into my eyes so you could see my heart. did you see it?

then we decided to go. it was really late that night. i had a long way home. this was not my world. i was about to cross the street when you held my hand. god they were so soft. i was glad you pulled me back and asked me to stay. i wanted you to stop me. i considered it as a good sign… it was a good sign…

then we walked along the city sidewalks. i have never seen the city this beautiful. the orange glow of lampposts against the darkness and how they make the leaves of city trees glow like gold, and the building shine like ancient palaces in fairy tales. perhaps i was in a fairy tale. perhaps that was a dream because i was so happy. i couldn’t remember the last time i felt happiness like that. happiness that brings about hope and salvation from an eternally melancholic life.

we sat on the side of an empty road, looking over the beautiful sight, pretending to breathe smoke-free air. i was looking to the heavens and beholding the beauty of the stars, and the moon. i was in a romantic movie, i thought, for being in a moment like that. it was so surreal. i was so happy that i was there with you. i felt everything. i felt so alive, especially, when we held hands, as we walk, dancing through alternating shadows and light…

we crossed the seemingly empty street, and everything seemed to be in slow motion, even the car that hit us that threw us both up in the air and down the warm concrete. most people believed that before you die, you will see your entire life flash back before your very eyes. in my case it was different… it was my life… with you…

i had glimpse of a giant ferris wheel…

you and me on the seaside, overlooking the sea we couldn’t see…

us, standing next to each other, shooting balls… (you won, of course)

my body, intertwined with yours…

you and me devouring each other’s lips, under the stars, overlooking a river, watched by fireflies…

we were already dead before we hit the ground. no tears were shed. no heaving breaths were heard. just silence. at least at that moment your eyes were fixed onto mine. blank. if only you could only see me too, you would be able to see my eyes sparkling with stars they couldn’t see anymore…

we died.

then there was silence… eerie… unbreakable…

then they were heartbeats. and breathing. and blinking of eyes against the blinding glow of a rising sun. we lived again. we stood up a little confused. a little dazed. we didn’t felt pain. just confusion and the mounting urge to go home. we didn’t notice that we’re bloody. in fact we didn’t notice each other. we walked on different directions without a word. with nothing but emptiness… and ran… ran as fast as we could.

and now i write as if nothing happened…i write as if that night didn’t happen at all… i have realized that it was very easy to write about fantasies than reality based on facts…it was a dream. i knew it. that’s why i was able to write this one so well because there were no facts to follow. just pure make believe. i write as if i have forgotten. i write as if i didn’t learn to love you. as if my heart didn’t break…as if i didn’t gave you a piece of my heart… my heart on your soft hands i will always miss to hold.