You have not known what you are.
You have slumbered upon yourself all your life.
Your eyes have been as much as closed most of the time.
What you have done is already in mockeries.

The mockeries are not you.
Underneath them
And within them,
I see you lurk...


-Walt Whitman


19.9.08

para kay len-len


WE ARE SO FAR APART but i am not at all surprised. a little sad but i know everything happened for a reason. actually i’m currently swimming in memories as i write this open letter. i couldn’t help it. tomorrow is a special day for you. you have really matured through the years and i unfortunately am wasting my time waiting for something i don’t know what. speaking of immaturity.

last night, i was planning to write something for this blog, but inspiration didn’t come as i had expected. i just stared blankly on my monitor with my fingers on the keyboard. but the words didn’t come as they usually do. i even took a shower, drank my favorite mocha coffee, and turned on some alternative music, but i only ended staring at my monitor… waiting for the words that didn’t come…

i couldn’t sleep last night. writing usually lulls me to sleep but last night, it failed me or rather i failed myself because i was not able to make my head turn its gears and do its job. i was not inspired to write, i guess. i remembered how excited i was to write whenever i get an inspiration. i used to lie prone on my bed, take a glance of your painting on my wall, and write using a pencil on my tattered notebook filled with your four-letter name i unconsciously wrote. i write whatever comes into my head. back then, words were overflowing. limitless. powerful surges of words like blood from an artery rooting from my heart to my hands. i could clearly remember how those words filled pages, and how those pages turned into books. it was js prom when i gave you the first one, on your 18th birthday, the second, and six months ago, you gave them back to me. again, i was not surprised. it’s just karma.

since i wasn’t inspired to write last night, i decided to read something instead. i first thought of angels and demons, but dan brown could wait till tomorrow. i browsed my bookshelf and found it—'i like you just because' by albert j. nimeth. it was a very remarkable book and i was able to spot it almost instantly because of its bright yellow cover. the yellow book i call it. i turned to the title page. there was a note from me. i know i’m a corny person but upon reading the note, i could bet my head, that i’m the corniest person on earth alive. i gave that book to you on your 17th birthday. i told you on the note that it cost 75 pesos. i lied. it was only 50---bought it from the catacombs of national bookstore in pavilion mall. it is a book about friendship. i gave it to you in an attempt to mask my true feelings. we should’ve taken that book seriously. now i’ve realized i became your lover first before i became your friend… and now, we’re nothing but strangers.

what struck me upon reading the note was the date. 18 sept. 2004. “it’s today!” i silently screamed to myself. you’ll be celebrating your birthday soon. and i got excited—that, i am not surprised. that familiar excitement never left me. the excitement i feel on the eve of your birthday. the same excitement i still feel whenever i see you. i never told that you’re very intimidating, but in a good way. intimidating in the sense that i have to be at my best whenever you’re around. in the sense that you never fail to make my heart skip a beat or make me jump off my skin. i am not good in remembering dates, or numbers. you might find this weird, but i never forget to remember your birthday.

i wish you all the happiness, because you deserve it. this day would be really hard to celebrate without her around but i know--she’s with you. you are one of the strongest persons i know. i have always envied and admired the strength that emanates from you. life has been difficult, and i had made it much worse for you, i know i did, and i did so sorry.

logic tells me you’ll not be able to read this, and i know you’re busy taking care of glyneth and preparing for the upcoming boards. but my heart hopes, in some way that you would. i am drowning in memories right now. happy memories. i am not asking nor hoping for anything. i had learned to accept that. i just can’t let go of the memories. let me keep them just for awhile. i want to keep them for they remind me of who i was. i am so far from the person i have always wanted to be and in some way the memory of you makes me a step closer. let me keep them till i find my solid ground.

happy birthday. stay safe.

always,

-- Basta

23 comments:

odin hood said...

happy bday len-len

(tama ba si len-len ang may bday?) hehe

kingdaddyrich said...

she should be reading this.

and this would be a great birthday gift.

*wink wink*

Toilet Thoughts said...

hala. Ang sweet! Pero sad. Na sweet.

hope all works well. Mabasa kaya nya ito?

Leonardo said...

Gosh, just my a happy birthday note to someone special can mean so deeply. Ironically, u remind me of Tim Burton. I don't know why.. Might be your views towards life in its deepest symphony.

wanderingcommuter said...

aaaaawwwww....


yun lang ang nasabi ko...

grabe...


aawwwwwww.....

Pinay Sexy said...

Hi good day my friend! Would you like to have exchange links with me? here is my site:
pinay sexy
message me in the latest post of my blog if you are interested.. thanks!

redlan said...

uy basta, walang kupas na panunulat. congratulations but i feel sorry for you. sana, basta, i dont want to insist. sayang. pero sabi mo nga hindi mawawala yung memories kahit naging strangers na kayo sa isa't isa.

the painting, the yellow book, naging memory rin sa akin yung mga yun. kasi dito ko rin nabasa ang mga yun.

pang ilang chapter na ba 'tong post na to? kasi naman ang galing mo talagang magsulat. parang nagbabasa lang ako sa national bookstore.

keep it up. aabangan ko ang susunod na kabanata.

i will be back here again. hope to read more soon. jk.

leviuqse said...

sana mabasa niya ron!

Abaniko said...

Someone's madly in love, without a doubt. :D

Bryan Anthony the First said...

aw! makikibati na rin. try ko nga rin coffee for inspiration... sometimes kasi porn ang gamit ko

:-)

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if your not convince its ok , im just giving you an idea cause i know your a serious blogger like me, so lets earn while we doing our habit.

i will msg you soon when i get my 1stpayment for proffs(^^,).

here is the link if your interested
in my offer,.

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have a nice day(^^,).

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Chyng said...

juicekilz, answeet. natutunaw ako!

well, your darling may read this book in time. pero sana YOU GAVE US A TEASER, kahit sypnosis nung book, o kahit best lines..

caryn said...

aw, i hope you're feeling better ron ;-)

Myk2ts said...

cryer. ultimate cryer.

bena said...

todo na talaga to ron! i think it's about time you start making a novel already! this post is one heck of another sad story but super sweet! hihihi.. hope len-len would be able to read this.. luck luck! ;)

KRIS JASPER said...

I wish there's this solution that we could drink that will clear the rust/emptiness in our head...

Then we'll be inspired again,
and write freely.

tinay said...

sana may maloko sa akin gaya ng sumulat nito :P haaaay. haha. reading this makes me wonder if there is someone anonymous who writes about me too. :D

ps
ron, if you are interested with mp3s of our recordings, let me know ;)

leviuqse said...

nabasa na kaya ni len?

the menace said...

maraming salamat sa palagiang pag comment sa blog ko.

youre really a man of few words.=)

sa tanung mo naman sa huling comment mo--- ganito yan ser:

si Brian Gorell as you know put up a blog to basically turn down high profile people na kalaban nya as he claims them to be douche bags and bastards. so puro rant and rants yun...

sa thailand naman, the prime minister according to reports put down blogs which posted articles or commentaries against him. i think 400 blogs yun if i heard the reports right-- oh well, im no expert.

kaya people are asking if Blogs are still good media with all of these rantings.

;)

keep writing!

st charles said...

kaw ba c bayani agbayani? para kasi ito kay len len ang cnulat mo.

Roland said...

kalungkot naman... anu na bang stat ni len2? ...sana magkaayos ako... sana marealize nya kung gano mo siya kamahal... nakkuuu, naalala ko tuloy si popoy... he was the one madly in love to basha... but they end on breaking up... after two long years nagkabalikan din naman sila.... when they both realized they were meant for each others... sana gnyan ang maging ending ng love story nyo.

i wish you all the love in the world. u deserve to be happy.

RONeiluke, RN said...

yun about kay lenlen naman... it's just so over before it even started. it's just so complicated. it is between a rose and thorn for our love. i had learned to accept that many moons ago :)