para kay len-len

WE ARE SO FAR APART but i am not at all surprised. a little sad but i know everything happened for a reason. actually i’m currently swimming in memories as i write this open letter. i couldn’t help it. tomorrow is a special day for you. you have really matured through the years and i unfortunately am wasting my time waiting for something i don’t know what. speaking of immaturity.

last night, i was planning to write something for this blog, but inspiration didn’t come as i had expected. i just stared blankly on my monitor with my fingers on the keyboard. but the words didn’t come as they usually do. i even took a shower, drank my favorite mocha coffee, and turned on some alternative music, but i only ended staring at my monitor… waiting for the words that didn’t come…

i couldn’t sleep last night. writing usually lulls me to sleep but last night, it failed me or rather i failed myself because i was not able to make my head turn its gears and do its job. i was not inspired to write, i guess. i remembered how excited i was to write whenever i get an inspiration. i used to lie prone on my bed, take a glance of your painting on my wall, and write using a pencil on my tattered notebook filled with your four-letter name i unconsciously wrote. i write whatever comes into my head. back then, words were overflowing. limitless. powerful surges of words like blood from an artery rooting from my heart to my hands. i could clearly remember how those words filled pages, and how those pages turned into books. it was js prom when i gave you the first one, on your 18^th birthday, the second, and six months ago, you gave them back to me. again, i was not surprised. it’s just karma.

since i wasn’t inspired to write last night, i decided to read something instead. i first thought of angels and demons, but dan brown could wait till tomorrow. i browsed my bookshelf and found it—'i like you just because' by albert j. nimeth. it was a very remarkable book and i was able to spot it almost instantly because of its bright yellow cover. the yellow book i call it. i turned to the title page. there was a note from me. i know i’m a corny person but upon reading the note, i could bet my head, that i’m the corniest person on earth alive. i gave that book to you on your 17^th birthday. i told you on the note that it cost 75 pesos. i lied. it was only 50---bought it from the catacombs of national bookstore in pavilion mall. it is a book about friendship. i gave it to you in an attempt to mask my true feelings. we should’ve taken that book seriously. now i’ve realized i became your lover first before i became your friend… and now, we’re nothing but strangers.

what struck me upon reading the note was the date. 18 sept. 2004. “it’s today!” i silently screamed to myself. you’ll be celebrating your birthday soon. and i got excited—that, i am not surprised. that familiar excitement never left me. the excitement i feel on the eve of your birthday. the same excitement i still feel whenever i see you. i never told that you’re very intimidating, but in a good way. intimidating in the sense that i have to be at my best whenever you’re around. in the sense that you never fail to make my heart skip a beat or make me jump off my skin. i am not good in remembering dates, or numbers. you might find this weird, but i never forget to remember your birthday.

i wish you all the happiness, because you deserve it. this day would be really hard to celebrate without her around but i know--she’s with you. you are one of the strongest persons i know. i have always envied and admired the strength that emanates from you. life has been difficult, and i had made it much worse for you, i know i did, and i did so sorry.

logic tells me you’ll not be able to read this, and i know you’re busy taking care of glyneth and preparing for the upcoming boards. but my heart hopes, in some way that you would. i am drowning in memories right now. happy memories. i am not asking nor hoping for anything. i had learned to accept that. i just can’t let go of the memories. let me keep them just for awhile. i want to keep them for they remind me of who i was. i am so far from the person i have always wanted to be and in some way the memory of you makes me a step closer. let me keep them till i find my solid ground.

happy birthday. stay safe.

always,

-- Basta